I recently put a post on Facebook that said, when you shut down and keep the distance between the two of you, this is the first sign that a breakup is about to occur. Someone then sent me a message asking, what if he shut down first? Should I continue to try to speak to him or what?
My response to her was asking a lot of questions because I wanted her and you to think about your relationship; to think about your marriage; to think about your partnership and what you really want it to be and look like in the future not just for this moment. Answer the following questions:
- Is it more important to keep the distance than it is to create the relationship that you dream about having? Such as creating those intimate moments. Creating laughter. Allowing your children to experience and see you two being in a healthy relationship. And believing you can have a healthy relationship.
- What are you willing to do differently in order to come up with different results? You can continue to keep the distance. You can continue to let your pride and ego get in the way and not speak to your spouse or say things like, “I’ve tried speaking to him and he is not speaking to me so when he gets ready then we can talk.” Well, what if he is stubborn enough to stay quiet for months or for years? I am sure some of you reading this are saying that will not happen, but trust me it does happen. I coach my clients who are going through this where both of them are being silent towards one another. Now months have gone by and some times a year has gone by with no conversing, no sex, nothing but distance, the slow death of the relationship and the love withering away. The more distance you allow into your relationship, the harder it is for you two to speak to one another. The harder it is for you two to come back together. The longer you allow the distance to fester in your relationship, to stay there in that toxic environment, you both are being emotionally abusive to one another. Then, you wonder why you two are living two different lives. Can you guys come back together? Absolutely, but it is tougher.
- Is the relationship worth saving? Do you two have more good times then bad times? Do you feel much better when you two are on good terms and speaking or are you happier and elated when you two are silent and you do not have to be bothered with them? Are you happier when they are around or often feel you would rather be somewhere, anywhere far away from your partner?
- Is he worth you relenting to and once again going to try to break this silence? Really ask yourself is he worth relenting to. Is he worth you breaking the silence and getting your relationship back on track.
- Is it worth you two NOT becoming distant memories of one another? When one of you is not trying to mend the relationship, this is a bad sign. When your emotional needs are not being met you will at some point get that emotional connection outside the relationship. That is just the reality of the situation. We all need that connection. As innocent as most cheating happens, it usually comes from the need for the emotional attachment one party is missing inside the relationship. So, as long as you both are allowing this distance to stay there, at some point one or both of you will have a weak moment and the distance could stay there forever, leading to a divorce or a breakup because both of you are being so stubborn in your current relationship when all you both had to do is speak to each other. I know it is a cliche but communication is key. It is. You have to open up. You have to share. You have to stop being stubborn for the sake of your family, for the sake of your children and breaking generational curses.
- Is it worth stopping your pride and ego from driving this bus? Will you say enough is enough and be willing to exhibit the strength to go stand there, literally, until your spouse is ready to talk. Then stare at him. If enough time passes your spouse will look at you and start to utter a word or two. When this happens you have to be ready to address the reason(s) why you two are in this current situation. Finding out the Why is critical to everything getting back on track. This may take asking several questions before getting to the root of the why.
After you have answered all of the following questions and your answer is, yes, my spouse is worth it and this silence and distance needs to stop today, then you need to go to your spouse. When people know they are doing wrong then they cannot look you in the eye. If you are bold enough to stand your ground while starring your spouse in the eyes, at some point they will look at you. You have to be willing to be there for as long as it takes because you have decided that he, the family and the relationship are both worth saving.
If you have tried repeatedly to speak to your spouse and they are still unwilling to utter a single word to you or you do not see how you can start to turn things around in your relationship then send me a message at marshaun@marshaunolaniyan.com or schedule your Life Changing Strategic coaching call today!
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All the best!
Marshaun Olaniyan
Life & Relationship Strategist