I remember how scared I was when I finally decided to speak up and ask my partner for what I needed to be happy, secure and to feel wanted in my marriage. Before I started to ask for what I needed on a regular basis, I can remember how nervous I would feel, how dry my mouth became just before speaking and how I stumbled through asking for what I needed.
As I asked more often and slowed my speech, asking for what I needed became easier and easier. The nerves never fully go away because I have always had a nervous gut feeling due to me rarely using my voice while growing up, so this is still a struggle to this day. However, I know how important it is to continue to use my voice and ask for what I need.
Most people never ask for what they need due to the fear of rejection of some sort. Fear can creep in and steal many, many things in life including you ever experiencing what you need out of love and life overall.
Here are 5 reasons why your needs are not being met:
You are not sure what your needs are
Your needs are not being met, because you are not sure what your needs are. If you do not know what those needs are, have you taken the time to sit down for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes and actually write down what it is you need in order to be happy in your relationship? Ideally, you really want to do this while you are single and not seeing anybody. However, if you are dating someone or married or in a long-term relationship, have you applied this concept before? If you have not, this is the perfect time to sit down and create a list of the things you need in your relationship. If you cannot verbalize them, your partner cannot meet them nor is he or she a mind reader.
You never verbalized your needs
Your needs are not being met because after you figured out what your needs are, you never verbalized them to your partner. See, it takes time for you to really hone in on what your needs are and then inform your partner these are the things you need to be happy in your relationship.
Consequently, to know this information and never verbalize it, then what is the point? You cannot expect your partner to magically know what your needs are and then meet these unknown needs. Most of us have dated several people. What we did for our last
partner may not be the exact same recipe for success we need to implement for this current partner. In general, there will be things we all need such as honesty, respect, faithfulness and love being shown to us. Those are the basics. However, there may be other things that you are unaware of that you have to do differently. You may have to show up in a different manner for your current partner and love them slightly differently.
Maybe your ex’s love language was quality time, but this partner’s primary love language is gifts. So, then you have to give more gifts in this relationship. You have to be flexible in how you show love to your current partner because it may not be the same as anyone else you have ever been in a relationship with.
Again, if you never verbalize your needs and keep them bottled up in your head, do not expect your partner to be a mind reader or just know what you need. That will never work out. You will just feel frustrated, angry and annoyed.
You overcompensate in every relationship.
Your needs are not being met because you overcompensate in every relationship. Why are you doing this? Maybe you feel your partner is going to leave you. Maybe you feel if you do not do this, then there will be repercussions, such as an argument occurring or you feeling lonely or leaving you feeling like you are not good enough. Stop overcompensating in every relationship because everyone you are giving your time, energy and effort to, do not deserve it. Let’s just be real, this includes, the person you are currently dating or in a relationship with. Sometimes you will have to cut the cord. Also, if you are overcompensating in every single relationship, not just your romantic relationship, but also with your siblings, friendships and your parents, then there is an insecurity of some sort showing up.
To figure out why you keep overcompensating in all your relationships, sit down, take pen to paper and write down all the reasons why you are overcompensating in every single relationship. Doing this will give you clarity and an idea of where you can change things so you stop feeling depleted and start loving yourself more.
There are no consequences
The reason why your needs are not being met is because when your needs are not met, there are no consequences. For instance, you want to make sure you two are spending quality time together then you two have that conversation. You both agree upon the terms that are suitable for you both. Maybe after this conversation and agreement your partner still does not comply; they still do not show up in the way you need. They were
placating you just for the moment. Now that you know this, there are no consequences.
Even though you two set the date and time to be intentional about falling in love with one another, dating each other and being intentional about giving each other the opportunity to be the priority in each other’s life, one of you just keeps dropping the ball. Since there are no consequences, your partner believes you are okay with their underwhelming performance. You may get mad but that is the extent of your consequences. You sulk and seethe but you do not address your precious talks and what they promised to do. You sweep it under the road. You think it is going to get better but it never does. The cycle just continues. You get pissed off. You do not talk about it. He or she just gets off the hook because they know that you will get over it soon and things will be back to normal. And the cycle continues.
However, if you put a stop to things, then your needs would be met. Now, this is going to be uncomfortable. It will take you out of your comfort zone. You are going to feel like why do I need to do this? Why do I have to say this? Why do I have to keep repeating this? By doing this, you are teaching your significant other how to treat you in the long run. If you deal with how uncomfortable you may be now, then you can stop having this same conversation later.
So, what are your consequences? For example, when you tell your child “Miesha, listen, don’t do that or you will get a timeout or your phone will be taken away, well guess what, your child pays attention. She will think, I probably should not do that anymore if I want to keep my phone. We all have an inner child who wants to come out at times. Your partner is the exact same way. If your consequences are never enforced, then it does matter and he or she will keep undermining your requests..
You automatically think others should do what you are doing.
You automatically think others should do what you are doing which is why your needs are not being met. This is not the way it works in life. Just because you have a giving heart does not mean that everybody around you is going to be giving.
Everyone does not show up the exact same way. Everyone does not think the same way. Since everyone is not on the same frequency of niceties or giving respect or showing how they love you or the like, you must be flexible in your views and understanding of where your partner, and other people are in their growth journey.
Looking for more ways to be more present in your relationship or to ask for what you need in your relationship or finding ways to connect deeply with your spouse? I can help. Let’s chat. Book your FREE Coaching Conversation today!
Looking for more unique ways to connect on a deeper level with your spouse? Check out my book Reignite Your Relationship by 7X and 365 Days of Love For Us: A Couples Coloring book.
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Life & Relationship Strategist