I wanted to come and share with you the best marriage advice I’ve seen, heard and experienced. I did a poll on my Facebook page and simply asked, what was the best marriage advice you have ever received? The results were 15 of the best answers I agree with. These 15 stood out to me, so I wanted to come here and share with you.
Alright let’s jump right into them:
Never do anything once you do not always want to do.
This one translates into the dating game. People say they lose interest or they feel that their spouse has changed after they get married. This is one of the reasons why. The things you were doing to get your spouse were not genuine, you were just trying to impress your future spouse. When your future spouse became your actual spouse, you did not think you had to continue to do those things anymore. That thing(s) you were doing to impress your spouse no longer seems relevant since the chase is over. It’s no wonder your spouse is complaining.
This one is very important. Do not wait for marriage on this one. Consider this while you are dating. Never do anything, not even once, that you do not want to continue to keep up with. This is one of the complaints that we hear from our spouses, our friends and our co-workers; “He does not do the things he did before when we were dating.” This was due to your representative being on that date and not your true authentic self.
Don’t ever tell your parents how awful your spouse is.
Do not tell your parents how awful your spouse is after an argument or go down the rabbit hole of what he does not do within your relationship. Period! When you are finished arguing over that thing or have gotten over the issue and you two are having fun again, your parents and other family members will still be holding on to that transgression. Your parents are there for you. They like your spouse and some tolerate your spouse. The point is, your parents will always be there for you. They want the best for you and if that means not being nice to your spouse due to what you’ve shared, then that is what will happen. They won’t forget your spouse’s mishap because they are not the ones who are emotionally attached to your spouse, you are. Avoid all that drama by keeping your business in your home.
Marriage is what you make it.
Literally, marriage is what you make of it! If you always think and focus on the negative, your marriage will be negative. If you always think of all of the things that he does not do that is what you are going to see. It is also what you are going to focus on. If you are always sad, always yelling, screaming, cussing, fussing and fighting with each other that is how you are going to see marriage and your spouse. On the flip side, if you are always positive and you two are sharing your lives together, constantly laughing and dating then you’re going to see your marriage as the best thing since sliced bread because marriage is what you make of it. Focusing on the positive can help you see your relationship as a blessing as well as the person you are creating your life with.
Don’t compare your union to anyone else’s.
Do not compare your union to anyone else’s relationship. Do not do it! Do not worry about how amazing you believe your friend’s husband is because you do not live with him. You may wonder about a friend’s girl who is always cooking and yours is not. Guess what? Maybe they are not having as much sex as you and your girl. Do not compare your union to your friends, co-workers or any of your family members because marriage is what you make it and you get to actively create the relationship you want. If you want a better marriage, then do something to make it better. Do the things you want to do in your marriage to make it the most memorable and satisfying relationship you have ever been a part of. Make your relationship so memorable that people are asking you questions about how you maintain such a healthy marriage. Become that person because you know deep down inside it took everything in you for a love affair to blossom into something this great.
It’s about give and take.
It is all about give and take. It really is. You are not going to win every battle. You are not going to win every conversation nor are you going to lose every battle or every conversation. It is about give and take; it is about compromise. It is about “Okay, this time you can have that but guess what, the next time, I’m going to choose where we go eat.” That is what give and take is all about. How often are you giving and taking in your relationship? Is everything about you and your way or do things become a problem when they do not go your way?
Choose your battles.
Choose your battles. This one is absolutely true. Everything that comes out of your spouse’s mouth does not need to be addressed in the sense that you complain about it or an argument is the result from their statement. In the beginning, you’re going to feel as though you need to say something but the more that you do not say anything, you are practicing and building that muscle of not responding. The more you do this the better your relationship will be. The deeper your connection due to you holding your tongue. Your spouse will still feel that they are able to come and just be themselves with you. This does not mean you are going to agree with everything your spouse says or does. It just lets your spouse know that you respect him enough for him to just be himself. The more you practice holding your tongue, the more power you actually have. Most people think that you become weak when you do not speak your mind. You do not have to speak your mind about everything, literally, choose your battles. I read something recently where it stated you should let all of the little things go. Then when you do have something important to address your spouse will actually hear you because you are not being a constant complainer. It will make a world of difference in your relationship.
Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness.
Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness. You are! So if you are letting your happiness be dependent on what your spouse does or does not do, then you are giving them too much power. When you give away your power like that you become miserable. Happiness is a choice. Your spouse can add to your happiness but they cannot make you a happy person or even a sad person. If you choose to let whatever they say get under your skin, that is a choice you are making. If you choose to let someone ruin your day, that is your choice. Your happiness is your happiness and you create it all by yourself. You are in
charge. You are responsible for your own happiness. You and you alone.
Put your spouse first even if they are not in this mindset yet.
Put your spouse first, even if your spouse is not of that mindset. Ideally, both of you should be putting each other first because if you put your spouse first and your spouse is putting you first, you two cannot help but win. He is making sure you are happy and you are making sure he is happy. However, if your spouse has yet to put you first, you should still do it. I have said it and I will say it again, if you want your spouse to change, you have to change yourself first! We always look outside for the change we are seeking. You must first look inside and become the change you seek in your spouse. It will happen, just not overnight. After a while, your spouse will observe how you are showing up and this can do nothing but rub off onto your spouse. Just think about the people you surround yourself with the most. You pick up things from them. It does not matter if it is good or bad. Your spouse will do the exact same thing. So, if you want them to change in any way, you have to first do it yourself. You have to be the example.
Never consider divorce as an option.
Never consider divorce as an option if you choose a spouse you are growing with. This must be a spouse that God sent to you and you choose. At times ‘we’ choose our spouses without God and then wonder why the union is really really tough. There was no prayer asking if he is right for you, you are just going along with this person because there was no one else in sight or fear that no one else would come along for another few years. Marriage is sacred and too many people take this for granted.
Keep God first in your marriage.
Keep God as the head of your marriage at all times. The order is God, husband, wife, children then everyone else. If you are making all the decisions yourself, what happened to God? If you are leaving your spouse out of the decision making process, what happened to that level of respect and honor? To those of you who are still talking to your family members or best friend about serious matters before speaking to your spouse, you forgot the order. This is part of the reason why you are having so many issues in your relationship. You are supposed to cleave to your husband or your wife.
A lasting marriage has its seasons and cycles.
I love this one so much, and not many of us think about it. A lasting marriage has its seasons and cycles so do not leave when the winter comes. Every marriage has ebbs and flows. We have our summers and winters. That does not mean you leave during the winter. Do not just throw in the towel screaming I’m sick and tired. It’s not going the way I believe things should go. I’m unfulfilled. I’m unhappy. These are the times you have to weather the storm, get quiet and become a prayer warrior asking God for his guidance. Not every season of heartache will make sense to you but believe me God is behind the scene drumming up something spectacular. You only get to reap your rewards if you stay the course.
Extend grace to your spouse like Christ does for you.
Extend grace to your spouse like Christ does for you. If we did this more often your relationship would be much better because as much as we logically know that none of us are perfect, we still expect our spouse to be perfect and not make any mistakes. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it states “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more
gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Allow your spouse to show his weaknesses to you in order to feel free with you and to receive God’s blessings.
It is not you versus me. It is you and me versus the problem.
When you two have gone through an argument or there is an issue that has not been resolved, remember, it is not you versus your spouse. It is you and your spouse versus the problem. If you both come together, then these issues that are lingering in your relationship can be resolved much faster. However, if you two are battling one another, you are not on the same team. Get on one accord with things in order to get things back in alignment and then figure out how to resolve the issue together so you can stop having the same conversation over and over again.
Marriage is giving 100/100, not 50/50.
Marriage is about each of you giving 100 percent of yourself. Marriage is about each of you giving 100/100, not 50/50. Both of you have to be 100% in, in order for the relationship to thrive or have that lasting power. If you are only given 50 percent this is an F in school work. You are not giving enough if you only give 50 percent out of 100. Let me just be all the way real with you, giving 100 percent, all of the time, is a hard thing to do. It is not impossible. It is a skill that must be worked on internationally. Your relationship will not thrive unless you go all the way in on it. Otherwise you feel overwhelmed and drained.
Do not let the sun set on your anger.
This one actually came from one of the elders. This one was repeated multiple times before I left it here because one of the elders have told this to me multiple times. I decided to leave it as the final tip, because a lot of us still do not do it, which is, do not allow the sun to set on your anger. Resolve the issue before you two go to bed. Sometimes this is not possible to do because you just need time to think so you can be clear about what you want to say instead of just saying the first thing that comes to your mind.
Bonus: Allow your spouse to be whom he is.
This one will save plenty of marriages, which is, allow your spouse to be who he is. This advice was given by a woman who has been married for over 35 years. She is supportive towards her husband and his need for travel. He will travel to places such as India or just places that she just does not want to go. She does not necessarily enjoy doing everything that he likes to do, but she does not hinder him. She doesn’t say, “Hey, stay here with me. I’m going to be lonely; I need you here. Don’t go.” She allows him to be who he needs to be. She finds they are both happier. He brings all of that happiness and joy back into their relationship. She allows him to be him, but he also allows her to be her. Allow your spouse to be who he is and you both will have a much better relationship.
We are the co-creators of our life. We have the power to choose what we want. Which one of the tips are you going to make sure you implement into your relationship?
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All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Life & Relationship Strategist