When coaches, therapists or counselors ask how much work have you done on yourself, what they are really asking is how much information from your past have you figured out the reasons why you behave a certain way, why you respond the way you do, have you figured out why you criticize yourself for every little thing and why you became the woman you are in this moment. It is being asked during therapy or asking yourself the hard questions and digging deep within to find the answers. Most people need a coach or therapists to unearth these answers.
Before attracting my second husband, I too needed to do my own work on myself in order to find out why I was attracting the same type of man, what behaviors I was repeating that was stopping me from experiencing the love I wanted and why I did not fully accept the skin I’m in. I had to sit with myself and answer these questions and plenty more in order to get the full picture of who I am, where I was constantly going wrong and how I could change things around for myself by implementing small tweaks as well as trusting the process.
Yes, relinquishing control about the outcome was tough but it made me understand me. It had and continues to help me trust my instincts and my gut feelings. You know that feeling you get when something is not right but you are having a hard time pinpointing what it is. Well, my gut would tell me when something was not right while I was dating. I began to trust it and do the hard thing. . . Choose myself and walk away or to confront the situation and his behaviors.
By working on yourself, you will gain a ton of insight and perspective about the way you view yourself, view people of the opposite sex and gain answers to a lot of ‘why’ questions. The ‘why’ questions range from very simple to very very complex to face, acknowledge and accept.
Doing this inner work on yourself shows just how willing you are to opening up and being vulnerable later on with your partner. This ultimately makes things easier later on while dating as the flood of emotions will have passed you by and it will make it easier to talk about. All the things that make you vulnerable will be a part of the stories you share with your partner so they understand you on a deeper level. This is how a beautiful relationship begins: the sharing of stories, understanding what makes you, you and how you feel heard and understood.
Think about it, when was the last time you put yourself in a position to stop going through the same things while dating? Have you ever asked yourself, how do I stop dating the same person over and over again? Or how do I stop myself from reacting in such a horrible manner? How much time have you taken away from the dating scene or are you the person that continues to jump from one relationship to the next?
The next thing I want you to think about is your friendship circles. Yes, your friendship circles, the people that are in your life. How are they showing up in the dating scene? Are they talking about how dating sucks every time you speak with them? Could they be feeding you negative thoughts and energy, and you take on the negative thoughts and feelings about dating into your own personal life? Maybe at one point, before you spoke to them you did not think about dating in a negative light but because you have internalized their ideals, they became your own, which is why you keep attracting the same kind of man. Think about it, is it your voice you are actually hearing or is it someone else’s voice and negative opinions?
Have you done the work by irradiating your baggage? Not dealing with your baggage is a tell-tell sign as to why you keep dating the same person over and over again.
Have you ever thought, if you are really ready to be married? If you are truthful with yourself the answer is probably no, and that is okay, that is why we are here. I want to make you more aware and bring more consciousness to where you are currently, so you can do something about it. Because only you can do something about it. It does not matter how much you talk to different people or what they have to say. This journey of working on yourself is a continuous journey and one you have to walk alone. This is a marathon. This is not a sprint. This is not something that you want to go out and just do i.e choose a partner really fast just because you are scared of being alone or you really do not feel worthy enough to figure out who you are so you could choose somebody better in order to increase your chances of having a better love life.
Do you know what marriage is all about? If you do not, let me give you a clue of some of the things that marriage is all about. Marriage is all about growth. It is all about tests. It is all about building together, becoming a better person, selflessness, compromise, becoming one with your partner and supporting one another.
If any of the things mentioned do not sound like something you currently possess then that is what you need to be working on. Most of us . . . Noone has to tell us how to be a selfless person, that is something that is innate. It is a quality we are born with. Next, you must decide to practice this, understanding that when you go through a trial or valley in your relationship that that is nothing but a test. And, it is all about how you handle the test. When the tests of life come, are you acting like a spoiled brat who never gets their way? Are you asking yourself if you could have handled that situation better? It is always the small changes that make the biggest difference.
When you understand that something is always going to come, it is all about how you show up when it arrives. It is all about how you are growing through this and other unexpected situations.
Need help with getting ready for your mate and eventually marriage? Sign up for your FREE 30 minute coaching conversation because my mission is to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one coaching conversation at a time! Ready to join in one my mission with me?
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Life & Relationship Strategist