While dating, there will be many times when you feel very alone. These are the times that you must focus on choosing to be happy, continuing to work on yourself and loving every moment of your free time without any distractions. For some people this is the time when they feel the most sad. So when they start dating again, they have a tendency to become desperate and quickly choose any partner versus the mate that is best for them. During this desperate attempt to find someone to combat the loneliness in their life, they have a tendency to force a relationship out of something it is not.
Being forced to do anything does not work in the long run. Your chosen partner may go along with your plans for a little while but the rebellion will start once he starts realizing he is going along with the things you are creating or making him do versus what he wants to contribute to the “relationship”. Do not allow your desperate lonely feelings dictate who you choose for your life long partnership.
So, why do we allow our feelings to run the show even when we know logically jumping into a relationship based off of desperation will never work for a long term relationship? Slowing down the process and getting to know the guy is the best way to cultivate the relationship you dream of experiencing as well as being able to discern if you need to move on from this dating relationship due to red flags appearing. We do this because of our fear of never finding someone in the future, of never being chosen by any one at all and we do this because we do not like being the single one in our friends group. We allow others to dictate when, with whom and how long we should be single or choose a mate for that matter, sometimes even to the detriment of our happiness.
Be on the lookout for these things, so you do not feel like you are forcing the relationship to happen. Unless you both are on one accord, and you are both available emotionally, physically, spiritually and ready to be in a relationship, it will never work nor go the distance. One of the things I want you to think about is, how often each of you are calling, texting, emailing and facetiming one another? How often do you two communicate? Do you find that both of you are reaching out to one another or is this one sided? Are you the main person who is making sure you two speak during the week or even daily? Do you find that you often make the first contact or you two probably would not talk that day or every few days? For example, are you always sending the text messages in order to make sure you two go out on dates or just hangout? Is he answering your calls and texts in a reasonable time or is it hours and hours or even days later before you get a response? Is that response some form of him saying that he has been busy versus saying ‘I’m Sorry’ and then making sure the date is still on and you are still available?
One way to figure out if things are being forced is to mirror what the other person is doing. If he realizes that you two have not spoken that day or the next, see if he reaches out to you to see if you two are going to hangout or if that date is still on. If not, then it will hurt but you will be able to see who was really into whom and who was just going along with things. I mean, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone where you have to do all the work? No. I didn’t think so. By mirroring what he does at some point, you will be able to move away completely unless he decides to come back stronger this time around. Otherwise mirror what he is showing you and if this brings you closer great. However, if it takes you further apart then accept this as well. Accept that you were more into him than he was into you. It happens. But do not force anybody to be with you. You do not want to force anybody to make you feel like you are their second choice.
Another thing you want to consider is if you are constantly changing who you are when your partner is in your presence. This, my friend, is forcing the relationship because you cannot keep that up. You are headed down the same road you are trying so very hard to avoid. . . the road leading to a breakup. You do this because you fear him leaving you if you show him your true self. You do this for fear of being judged about who you are. You do this because we all want to feel loved, cherished and shown off to the world as a priceless gem.
One thing I really liked about my boyfriend, now husband, is each time we were about to end one date for the evening, he made sure we already had the next date planned. It wasn’t that he knew all the details where the next date would occur but we did have the day and time set. I later found out that he did this because he said he knew I was a good woman and he did not want another man to snatch me off the market. There was no forcing the date or the issue to see each other again. He knew he liked my character and looks so he made sure I knew it. Men know when they want to take you off the market, they might not do it right then and there, but they already know when it is a good thing in front of them, they will do something about it.
The last thing I want you to think about is do you feel alone even when you are with him? For example, while hanging out do you feel comfortable enough to just sit in silence and watch a show or do you feel like you must talk in order to feel the connection? If you do not feel comfortable enough to just be when he is around then you may be forcing the relationship to be something it is not.
Slow things down while preparing for marriage. You do not want to just go out there and choose someone because you are tired of the dating process. Do not do it. Do not force the relationship. This, my friend, is a blessing in disguise although I know it may not seem that way in the moment. Understand who you are, why you do the things that you do and consider how much work you have done on yourself. Understanding all of these things are going to make a huge difference for you to attract and choose your next partner.
There are some things you have to do differently but you still know when a person is truly into you and enjoying your company. You both do not want the date to end. And that is how you know that you are not forcing the relationship. Also, pick up on what my husband did with me, he made sure before either of us left the current date we were on, we set a new date and meeting time for our next date.
Remember, you are not out here to meet every person. You are dating to meet your person that is right for you and who will become your forever date.
Tired of feeling like you are always forcing the relationship to blossom? Ready to gain the knowledge and be done with struggling to fit into someone else’s world? I understand and once experienced the same feelings. I then decided enough was enough and began the process of working on myself in order to understand why I kept feeling like I was into him more than he was into me and why I kept attracting unavailable men. Enroll in my course The 6 Secrets to Finding Yourself and Attracting Your Soulmate. It will answer the above questions and so much more. Choose you today so you can attract and choose the man for you later.
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Life & Relationship Strategist