What does “qualifying your partner” really mean? It means slowing down the process so you can make an informed decision about the man you are allowing into your life as your spouse. It means choosing someone to take this life’s journey with you, on purpose! It means making one of the best decisions in your life so you never feel like you had to “settle.” It means taking the time to get to know the other person well in a way that makes you feel good about your choice of spouse.
How are you qualifying this person? What types of people are you bringing into your life? Are you just accepting any guy that shows you a morsel of attention and expresses how attractive he finds you? I get that that is a part of it for sure, but after the looks then what? So, I ask again, how are you qualifying this person? You cannot rely on the physical attributes alone.
Do you go along with the flow in the hopes that you will be chosen by this guy if you never say “No”? Do you really get what you want by just going along with the flow, never voicing your opinion? For most people this is not the smartest strategy. You have to speak up when something does not feel good or you feel disrespected or when your needs are not being met. You also have to give the guy you are dating a chance to adjust himself and start to improve on what you stated in order to see if he cares enough about you and the relationship before deciding to walk away.
Can he hold a conversation? Have you asked strategic, yet, important questions for you two to talk about? I often get asked, “What questions should I ask my significant other?” The short answer is any question you want. To be more specific ask the questions, in the beginning that mean the most to you? These are the questions that will determine if you want to continue to pursue a dating relationship with him. These questions are based off of your deal breakers list. These questions are the most important questions to ask and receive an answer that fits for you before you move on to the ancillary questions. Questions such as:
“Do you want kids? If so how many? If not why not?”
“How do you like to spend your weekends?”
“What are your religious beliefs?”
“Where would you like to live in the next 1-3 years?”
“How often do you go out to the club?”
“How much time do you usually spend with your close friends?”
“How is your relationship with your mom? Dad? Siblings?”
“Are you in a relationship, engaged or married”
“Do you live alone, with roommates or your parents?”
“What are your top 3 love languages? Which of these is the most important for me to show towards you, in order, for you to feel loved?”
After you have asked a series of questions, take the time to evaluate his answers. Does his answers align with yours? How does his answers stack up? Are they on the right track, enough for you to have another date to continue the process of getting to know him? If after your reflection time, you still feel as though this is someone you want to to know deeper then keep going. If he isn’t then walk away.
Do not get discouraged and do not give up! That is one of the things that I talked about in the first part of this series. The very thing you must keep doing in order to find your mate is to keep dating. You have to know what you want. So, if you stop dating you are significantly decreasing your chances of ever attracting or running into your potential mate. Slowing down and qualifying your mate is the best way to end up with your soulmate. Slowing things down is a beautiful thing. It gives you the opportunity to really evaluate if this person should be in your life for a long period of time. But if you give up, you will never get to the goal of getting married.
How you do one thing is how you do everything so if you are in the process of just giving up on dating you are probably giving up on other areas as well so be conscious of that.
The next way to qualify someone you are dating is to think about their characteristics. What things do you want them to bring to the relationship so you can enjoy one another? Would you like for your mate to be intelligent, kind, devoted, kind-hearted, peaceful, determined or adventurous. Imagine you having a get together and your friends and family keep complimenting you and your choice of mate. How would this make you feel? Being intentional, knowing what you want and sticking to this with a little wiggle room, increases your chances of attracting a guy you’ll be super happy with and wonder what your life was ever like before him.
Next, think about the way he is and you are showing up while on your date, whether virtual or in person date. Ask yourself “How am I showing up? How would I like to show up? What can I do differently? Did I like the way he showed up? Was he present the entire time? Did he make an effort to be fully engaged with me?” After you’ve answered those questions, then plan on implementing your new behavior patterns on the next date if his behavior matches what you like.
Whatever type of person you keep attracting, whether you are conscious about it or not, is exactly how you show up, have similar characteristics, and ask similar questions like yourself. You will attract the person you currently are. The best way to attract a better mate is for you to continuously become a better mate.
Finally, pay attention to the way he speaks about his future. Does he use “I statements” or does he use “we statements”? Does he speak about you two traveling in the future together? Does he talk about the family he wants with you or the life you two will create together? If he is not then you should not include him in your future either.
I remember when I was dating, this gentleman I was seeing would use a ton of “I statements.” These statements often went over my head until I started to understand the words and phrases men use that see you in their future. I was NOT a part of his future but he never told me outright. I started paying close attention to the words he spoke as well as his actions. It’s safe to say that I was right. I was not a part of his future. I’m so glad I walked away when I did.
You have to be just as vigilant and attentive to the man you are attracting into your life. Keep your eye out for the “keeper”! Do not waste a lot of time on someone who does not or cannot see the value in you. Qualify your mate before months and years pass and that is all they are. Months and years of wasted time.
By the way, if you have not started preparing for your future mate because you are holding on to a past relationship or partner, check out my book: You Can Get Over Your Ex: The women’s Healing Journal to Say Goodbye for Good and Mean It: https://amzn.to/2NuaFlK
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Relationship Strategist