We are back! We are discussing our marriage preparation series: How to prepare for marriage. Preparing for marriage can seem daunting if you do not know which areas of your life you should work on and/or be conscious of. One of the reasons the divorce rate is over 50%, is due to more than half of the people who get married never face their past. The things from your past relationships as well as the things that happened in your home environment as a child, affect the person you have become. You do not want to entertain and date someone just because there is nobody else around. Not addressing your past plays a part in your beliefs about who you believe you deserve to be with. It also plays a role in who you attract and begin your relationship with. Who you attract stems from where you are currently on the journey of getting to know yourself fully, which includes your likes and dislikes. Deciding to date someone solely because there are no other suitors will bite you in the bottom in the long run. You do not want to entertain and date somebody just because you are feeling lonely or alone. You do not want to entertain just anybody in order to pass the time, while waiting on the man you will marry. It does not work this way.
I’m not talking about when you are on the fence about a guy because you do not feel the butterflies or the date was just okay and nothing spectacular happened. You may say “Okay! Let me go ahead on this date. Let’s see what happens with this.” I’m talking about you truly knowing there is no way in hell this relationship is going to work out, but you still go on the second or third date. Here is why you do not want to do that.
1. This stops and blocks you from attracting your true soulmate.
You will block your blessings. You will be stopping the very thing that you want to come into your life. There is no way that you are going to attract the right guy to come and be a part of your life if you are still dealing with this guy, the time killer or space filler, that you have no interest in. You lessen the chances of you being open to someone else you really like crossing your path and you will start to feel as though you are settling.
2. This keeps you emotionally attached to someone you should not be attached to.
You will start to develop some feelings for this person even if they are not deep feelings. You are only there because you are feeling lonely rather than because you want him by your side. You are only there because he is there when you want him to be there. You are there because he allows you to do certain things that you know you don’t want to do but you are secretly trying to run him away so you do not have to be the “bad guy.”
3. You are afraid to be alone.
You do not want to be alone. You do not want to be the person who is consistently showing up at the gatherings, alone, or without a date. You are afraid of what others will say about you and you not being in a relationship. You may even feel unloved or unworthy to be chosen if you are
not in “any kind” of a relationship. Deep down you do not feel good about yourself, so being around and in any kind of relationship is better than no relationship at all. Right?
4. You’ll continue to have sex with him especially if the sex is good. Keeping that soul tie.
Keeping someone around only for the sex becomes a very empty, lonely relationship after a few times of this happening. When there is nothing deeper to tie you to the guy emotionally, spiritually and mentally. You will be satisfied for a very short period of time. Sex is important but it is only so important when you want to feel loved, appreciated, honored and respected. When he runs away from the emotional stuff or does not share who he really is or what he wants, you wanting him sexually dries up just as fast.
5. This behavior makes it harder for you to give that next person a real chance.
Anytime you are deliberately creating space for someone who will not be in your life for the long haul is not only a waste of time but it is a deadend waiting to be reached. This guy may really, really like you but you never see him for who he really is nor do you give him a real chance. Because you are not open to giving him a real chance, when someone else crosses your path you are not able to give him a clear shot either because you are entangled in this other relationship. You are still connected and not ready for the relationship you say you want. You will constantly repeat the same type of behavior over and over again until you learn to be alone and NOT feel lonely. This will inevitably lead you to falling into the arms of men who do not deserve you or that you will never see your future with.
Sis, do not entertain someone just because there is nobody else in your immediate path. You have to get to the root of ‘WHY’ you feel lonely when you are not in a relationship, whether it is meaningful or not. Ask yourself: “What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to be alone?” When you are able to fully answer these questions then and only then will you be preparing yourself fully to get married and stay married.
By the way, if you’d like to go deeper with a series of questions pick up my book “Getting Over Your Ex”. You can do this sis, with a little help. Click here!
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Relationship Strategist