When you think about the word selfless what comes to mind specifically in correlation to yourself? According to dictionary.com, selfless means being concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own; unselfish. If you compared yourself to the definition, how would you rate yourself from 1-10? One is not selfless at all and 10 is very selfless. Give this question some real thought while you are preparing for marriage. Being selfless cannot be the place where you think solely about yourself, especially as you enter into a partnership. You should consider, as much as possible, your partner and your partner should consider you and your needs, as much as possible, as well. If you two have children or extended family living with you, being selfless stretches you even more.
It is not about how selfish you can be. It is about how selfless, you must be. It is about how selfless you must be when you embark on the journey of a relationship and marriage.
“Selflessness takes great responsibility and seems impossible to do at times, but being selfless leads to a wonderful lasting relationship.” ~Unknown
A wonderful lasting relationship sounds pretty great. Wouldn’t you agree? Relationships are all about growth. It is all about helping you understand who you are. It is all about helping you understand who your partner truly is. It is all about both of you showing up as your best authentic selves.
Things are not always about you. Consider the needs, wants and desires of your partner or potential partner. Sometimes, and more often than you even want to, you are going to have to put the needs of your spouse or maybe even your children first, before your wants or needs.
Another thing, how often do you accept his differences? Most people look at their differences and think they are a hindrance, however, your differences will liven up your relationship. You get to know more about your partner on a deeper level, it will keep the relationship spontaneous and you two can let the differences be a way of viewing things from another perspective.
Look at it like this, where you are strong, your partner is weak, in a lot of cases, and where you are weak, your partner is strong. This is where you balance one another out.
Yes, the differences may get on your nerves, under your skin and may even annoy you but they do not have to, especially if you understand and continue to have those conversations with your spouse where you get to know him, how he was brought up, the way he thinks, the way he acts and the way he reacts to certain things. Are you willing to move and grow through the differences or are you going to be the complainer?
Another thing to consider is do you broadcast what you have done for them during a fight? Did you only do those things because you were expecting a reward of some kind or because it was a nice gesture? Did you do those things because you were looking for the acknowledgment or because you wanted the same in return? Once you go down this road your partner will begin to look at you differently. He will think about all the things you have done previously and begin to question your motives behind doing them for him. He will also stop accepting your “help” so he does not have to deal with these things being thrown in his face later on. Do not fight dirty ladies. This will come back to haunt you. And guess what? You will always feel lonely and alone. He will continue to pull away and the resentment will fester. You may start to wonder why there is so much distance between you two or why you guys are living as roommates.
When the safe space is taken away the feelings start to follow.
The next thing to think about is to establish balance. What do I mean by that? You want to be selfless in your relationship but you also want to be selfish with yourself, at times. What I mean by being selfish for yourself at times is, when you need to recharge or to reconnect with yourself, when you are feeling like you are getting irritated with everybody around you, you need to take a timeout and be selfish in that moment. This will help you recharge and get yourself back in alignment. This ensures you come back as your refreshed self, ready to give from your over running cup.
The last thing is to pray for guidance. Pray for different ways to be more selfless in your relationship. Pray for guidance from God and just say “Dear Lord, help me. You know I can be very selfish. I want to work on being selfless, especially with him. They bring the better side out of me and I like that side of me. Supply me with more ways to be more selfless with him.” Pray, pray and pray some more. I can assure you that prayer changes things.
In what ways can you be more selfless? By the way, being more selfless, patient and loving comes with hearing the strategies over and over again as well as the implementation. Find out more strategies at www.youtube.com/MarshaunO.
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Relationship Strategist