When you think about self sabotaging behaviors, what comes to mind?
Let’s define self sabotage. Self sabotage is when we take counterproductive actions which prevent us from reaching our goals. These goals can be anything from your career, your life’s goals and of course your relationship goals.
Why would someone sabotage themselves? There are plenty of reasons why someone would do this. Most times it happens and the person self sabotaging is unaware of their behavior. One thing’s for certain: if you believe you are supposed to make a certain amount of money and you go beyond this threshold, you will find a way to cool things down and revert back to making the amount of money you are comfortable making. This is self sabotaging behavior. You have the potential to be and do so much more but you do not believe you can or should for one reason or another. Your relationship is no different.
If you believe you should be dating a certain level of person but then you meet a man who seems to good to be true or is too “nice” or treats you in a way you are not used to, you will find a way to sabotage that relationship by doing things such as starting fights about anything or repeating how he must be cheating on you because he’s always so nice so something must be going on.
Here’s how to stop these self sabotaging behaviors for good.
1. Decipher the past from the present.
The very first thing that you must do is to decipher the past from the present. Most people do not decipher. They do not come up with the difference. They put everybody into the same box and all of a sudden everybody’s going to do the exact same thing. Well guess what? That is just not true. Everybody is not the same. All men are not the same. All women are not the same. The people that did you wrong in your past are in your past, so keep them there. Please decipher the people, the situations and the things that are happening. Look at the full picture. Look at the full person, not just one incident, and now all of a sudden, they are being put into the bad box, such as the box where you can no longer trust them. This is how you are sabotaging your relationship by putting everybody into the same box. In order to stop sabotaging your relationship you must decipher the people that are currently here today from the people that actually did you wrong, as well as their behaviors and the entire situation.
2. Identify what your triggers are.
The second thing that you must do is to identify what your triggers are. Most people do not realize what their triggers are. Only thing they realize is that they are angry and blowing up. Knowing what and who triggers you will give you a jumpstart on being a better partner and keeping yourself out of these sticky situations. The thing that stumps people and keeps people stuck is they do not realize what their triggers are. This is where you must sit with yourself and figure out when you got angry, what was said or done to you in order for that thing to trigger you and to make you get angry and come out of your character. When this is done it has everything to do with you, not the other person. No one can make you feel
something about yourself that you currently do not believe about yourself. You have the power to stop this toxic behavior by getting to know yourself deeper. Once this happens you will notice the same things will not affect you the same way anymore because you now have an understanding of what is happening internally.
3. Learn how to build stronger bonds
The third thing is to learn how to build stronger bonds. By understanding what your love language is, your attachment style and how to set boundaries you will build stronger, healthier relationship bonds. The self sabotaging behaviors come from you not knowing your love language but expecting your partner to be able to give these things to you without you ever making them clear. Self sabotage also happens when you do not realize which way you feel attached to someone. If you do not know this then how can you expect to know how you are behaving is acceptable and/or normal? You cannot and neither can your partner. Also, some people believe that just because they are in a relationship, there are no boundaries that need to be set. This is the furthest thing from the truth because we teach people how to treat us, including our partners. This is showing your partner how much you love yourself. This is, also, showing your partner how much you respect yourself. You have to be willing to show up for yourself. This is where you are building stronger bonds. By understanding what your love languages are, and then being able to articulate them to your partner, by understanding what your attachment style is and why you are showing up the way that you do each points to disarming your self sabotaging behaviors. You must first be able to understand yourself so your partner can understand you as well. Finally, setting boundaries, you must be able to set boundaries and enforce them as well. What are the consequences if somebody crosses the line? Do not fall victim to these traps of self sabotaging behaviors. Stop them in their tracks.
4. Getting outside help.
The fourth thing to think about is getting outside help. You must think about getting outside help if you cannot come up with the answers to the “why” questions. If you have not been able to figure this thing out by yourself, do not look at yourself as being the weakest link. Do not look at it as, “I don’t want anybody in my business.” Because if you have not been able to solve this riddle, as of yet, you probably will never be able to solve this riddle because each of us can only take ourselves so far with the information we currently have. Whenever you go to school and you are trying to get some form of education, you are going there to get that education because you do not have the answers already. Getting outside help for your romantic relationship is just as important. It works the exact same way. You are seeking help to get the information that you do not currently have, so you can pick up the strategies you do not have, so you can turn your entire relationship all around.
Understanding yourself is the key to stopping your self sabotaging behaviors. Becoming aware of who you are in a holistic way stops these behaviors in their tracks. If you want even more ways to stop your self sabotaging behaviors then check out this video.
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Relationship Strategist