How would you pivot your relationship when things are not going the way you envisioned them? Let me define what pivot means. According to Oxford languages, pivot means the central point, pin or shaft on which a mechanism turns or oscillates; turn on as if on a pivot. In your relationship this means that point when you know you need to go the other way, out of the abyss and in the direction of taking actions to ensure you can save the relationship.
I remember helping this one client “Sherri.” She knew she was losing her boyfriend but had no idea what she was doing wrong nor where to start in order to figure things out. After we took a deep dive into her situation, I uncovered her knack for being very demeaning and unsupportive. After this realization and a few more coaching conversations, “Sherri” began to hold her tongue, speak more positively towards her boyfriend’s dreams and aspirations. She finally realized she did not need to agree with or see the vision her boyfriend had for their future but she needed to be there for him when it counted.
So, how do you pivot so you can turn your relationship around?
What are you doing that you know is impeding your relationship growth?
Here are four tips to implement within your relationship in order to pivot in the direction of peace, harmony and acceptance. Sometimes, you may not realize that a few simple, yet effective strategies can make all the difference in shifting your love life from humdrum to awesome.
You may even think at times, “I know what the concept is but now what is the next step that I need to do to change it all around?” If you want your relationship to not only survive but to thrive then you must evacuate the bad habits and toxic behaviors. Throw away all of the things that are hindering you from connecting deeply with your spouse. The only way to do that is to know, what is hindering you? If you do not know what that thing is, then do the opposite of what you are doing right now. So, if you are yelling, screaming and fighting, guess what you need to do? Stop yelling, screaming, fussing and fighting. Yes, it is going to be hard to contain and even hold your tongue, but if you want to change things around you must do something different because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you want a successful and healthy relationship, now is the time for you to admit and even say enough is enough, “I’m going to do something different.” That difference is how you are going to pivot your relationship.
Here’s how you pivot in order for your relationship to head in the direction of peace and flow:
- Realize you can change your relationship around
You have to realize you can change your relationship around. Realize you can change the way you think. Your mindset plays a big role in how your relationship is and how you see it today. You have to think differently about your partner, as well as about your relationship. In order to start to see things in a different light. You have to think differently about the things that he does. You have to think differently about why he is doing them. You also have to think differently about his perspective. Putting yourself in his shoes and thinking about his real intentions behind what he has said, you will start to see your partner in a different way. Maybe, he is not doing something intentional, like you believed.
I remember when, before, I had a conversation with my husband, he likes to scrape the spoon across his teeth while he is eating and the sound would drive me crazy. So, instead of me internalizing this behavior and starting to resent him whenever he eats I had a conversation with him. If I would have never had the conversation with him I would have continued to believe my own story of him doing it on purpose just to annoy me. He told me he does this just because he likes to hear the sound. Simple as that. The thing about changing your thinking around is that whenever you stay up in your head, you are literally destroying your relationship. Because you are stuck in your head, the story you come up with will always benefit you and your beliefs. The REAL story usually has nothing to do with the “why” behind why your partner is doing that thing. We are so sensitive when it comes to our spouse that we always take things personally. We always think that he is doing something on purpose to annoy and frustrate us. You must think about your partner differently in order to change your relationship around.
- Implement new habits
The second thing you must do is to implement new habits. Instead of you continuously not speaking up for yourself and holding things in expecting your spouse to be your mind reader, you must stop. You must speak up about the things that frustrate you. Most of us are great at talking about all of the things that are going to keep the relationship smooth, not realizing that the bad stuff that annoys you is also a part of making your relationship run smoothly. Hopefully you have a partner that listens to you and wants to make the relationship easier so the frustrations you bring up to him can be eradicated. Implementing new habits in order to get the new behaviors is one of the jury’s to making a pivot in your relationship. In order to get different results you must be willing to stop with the bad behaviors and bad habits. You must figure out what those bad habits are and guess what? They are probably a lot easier for you to recognize. Think about what your spouse has been complaining about and then, start there. Start working on the things that he constantly complains about with you and start getting rid of those things. Your thought process about your spouse will be better because you are being intentional about destroying the bad stuff. So, your relationship is bad right now, you want to get it to better. Better leads to good. If you are already good. Now let’s get it to great. If your relationship is great already, let’s get it to extraordinary, so you can be a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships.
- How you view your past
The way you view your past is holding you back from changing your entire relationship. You must eradicate that baggage. One way to do this is to speak to a coach, like myself, a therapist or somebody you trust. If you are not at the point in your relationship where your partner is your trusted confidant, where you can take anything to him. You are still responsible for getting rid of the things that hold you back from experiencing relationship bliss. Here is the thing: most of the time you do not realize what it is because you do not have the questions or the exercises you must do in order to help get rid of your baggage. When you do not have the tools or the information you go and find it somewhere else such as school or college.
We did not know our ABCs, if our parents were not teaching us, we learned it when we got into school. The thing about it is you do not know what you do not know. So, if you do not know what is holding you back, now you are obligated to find somebody who could help pull that stuff out of you. If this sounds like something that you need, sign up for my free 30-minute coaching call, so I can help you. If it is not me, sign up with somebody else, but get the help that you need. You can go from where you are today to where you really want to be tomorrow and recognize that this is a journey.
What can you learn from your past? The things that you should be doing, which is the good. Take the good stuff from your past and implement that into your relationship. Throw away the things you should not be doing, such as name calling and being the judge. Remember, you are two different people trying to come together and be perfect for one another.
- How optimistic are you about the future of your relationship
The final tip to consider is, how optimistic are you about the future of your relationship? If you are a very pessimistic person, you are going to bring that into your relationship. You will have a tendency to only focus on the negative. Remember you have to change your thoughts about your spouse if you want to change your relationship around. So, if you are very pessimistic, you are going to always focus on the negative portions about your spouse. You have to work on becoming a more optimistic person. The way your relationship turns out depends on your views and beliefs. Your belief systems, thoughts and words you use have great power.
If you constantly focus on the relationship not working out what, guess what? At some point it will crumble and fall apart. So, whenever you speak, your brain is not looking at whether this is the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do. Your brain is helping you win because your brain wants to keep you safe. There is research behind this. What I am trying to bring into your viewpoint is your brain is helping you with. If you are focusing on this relationship is not going to work out, it will not. Even though it is detrimental to you, your brain is helping you win. The breakup happened in part because that is what you focused on and you already knew that it was going to break up, so your brain is helping you win by finding ways to let you see why a breakup makes sense.
The power is in your tongue. The power is in your belief system. The power is in your thoughts and if you want to change your entire relationship around, you have to be conscious and aware of how you are showing up and the things you are focusing on. Your bad behaviors need to change into new behaviors. Those bad habits need to change into new habits. Start looking at your partner in a positive light. Change your old habits into being more optimistic about the future of your relationship.
By the way, I have a book that can help you pivot your relationship from where it is today to where you want it to be just by taking a simple step daily. Check out my book, I’m Grateful for You: An Appreciation Journal for the Man in Your Life. This book will change your perspective on your spouse and your relationship. Check it out and let me know your thoughts.
All the best,
Marshaun Olaniyan
Relationship Strategist