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The Advantages to Having More Sex

SEX! Sex is a subject that many are embarrassed to speak about in public. It is also the topic of discussion amongst men when in groups and amongst women when they get into groups of 2 or more as well. Not much sex gets discussed between the sexes it seems. According to a Penn State study women talk about sex-related topics more frequently with their best friend than men do with the exception of masturbation. It would behoove each of us to spend the uncomfortable time talking to our partner’s about what our sexual needs are so we can experience more enjoyable sex together and take it from theory to application and then bliss 🙂

Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite life and relationship strategist. I help women who are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved to feeling appreciated and understood all while creating the intimacy she deserves.

 Let’s address why having more sex is to the advantage of you and your partner, as well as the relationship overall.

Excited yet?

1. Sex rewires you for pleasure.

There are times we get out of having sex because we let the world take over us. We let life take over us. We let our children take over us. We let our schedules take over us. We let our careers take over us and sex has a tendency to take a back seat. Because we live in such a fast paced society, no one wants to feel left behind when it comes to their ideas of what success is. Sex helps you refocus on the things that matter, such as your family. The more you indulge in it, the more pleasure you bring into your life and into your relationship.

2. Sex can bring the passion back in your relationship.

Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. Lots of times the passion in our relationship goes away. This is usually due to our busy lives. We get into our work routines and we are not thinking of new ways to bring fun, to erase boredom or the stress from our lives. All the different ways to keep it fresh, new, sexy and continue to feel wanted by your spouse need to be spruced back up. We have to put our focus back into our love lives to bring the passion back so we never lose it. Three ways to do this is to add more excitement, sensual touch and intimacy.

3. Women with a higher sense of smell have better sex.

According to a study conducted by German Researchers in the Archives of Sexual Behavior women with a better sense of smell reported a higher frequency of orgasms during sexual intercourse which equates to about 60 percent of women. Women with less sensitive noses reported having orgasms only 17 percent of the time during sexual intercourse.

4. Sex can help you lose weight.

We know that exercise keeps us healthy but should we add sex to this regimen on purpose? The more rigorous your sexual activities, the more calories you burn. This equates to about 250 calories per rigorous sexual encounter. Having rigorous sex can be your new form of exercise. One study added having sex to the moderate-intensity exercise category which is where you want to be in order to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle.

5. Having more sex decreases the effects and the feelings of depression.

Depression weighs us down. When it is weighing on you it is also weighing on your partner. Depression is the top disability in the U.S. for people ages 15-44. However, there are many aspects of sex that can help to buffer depression’s side effects. One study found that depressed women who are exposed to semen had increased moods. The act of sex for men increased thier moods as well.

6. Sex decreases prostate cancer in men.

How does having sex do this? Sex decreases the blockages in men’s tubes by regularly engaging in it. About 50 percent of men, no matter age, race, ethnicity are going to get prostate cancer. A way to ward that off and not be a part of the 50 percent is to continue to have more and more sex.

7. Sex helps women with PMS pain.

Not every woman feels the effects of PMS but there are certain symptoms and signs that occur while on your cycle and PMS is one of them. A few other benefits of having sex with on your period are it can shorten your cycle, less need for lube and it heightens intimacy.

The more you talk about sex and the things you like outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside the bedroom. If you need to give your partner some instructions so your sex life can be better, the best time to address this is outside of the bedroom where there is no pressure to perform. This also enhances the chances that you both feel as though you received what you needed. So, the more you speak about sex outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside of the bedroom. You can say something like. . . ‘I really love when you rub on my. . .’, ‘I really love it when you touch me. . .”, ‘Touch me here next time I really loved that.’ Letting your partner in on what you like, need and want inside the bedroom will increase your chances of them pleasing you once you two get back inside the sheets.

Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship and having better sex.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

http://www.marshauno.com

What Does Thick and Thin Mean to You

According to Merrim-Webster.com, the definition of thick and thin is every difficulty and obstacle. That’s right! Every obstacle. Not some, not a few but ALL. Let’s take a deeper dive into what thick and thin actually means in your romantic relationship. A lot of people get into a relationship and are not ready for what thick and thin truly means. They are not ready to go through the downs. Everybody loves the ups but some of the same people are not ready to go through the downs. Everybody loves when the cash is flowing but nobody likes it when the cash flow comes to a screeching halt. Everybody loves when there are children running around, especially if this was part of your dream. Nobody loves the part if they are struggling to get pregnant, or if they had several miscarriages. Everybody loves when everything is flowing smoothly and nobody wants to experience the downs in the relationship. You see, the downs represent the thin parts of being in love and in a relationship. The thin equals the low moments in your relationship.

We all have peaks and valleys throughout life. The valley is the low part of the relationship. What does thick and thin actually mean? Thick and thin means being there for your partner when things aren’t going as you planned them out. Thick and thin means we’ve been trying to have this baby for five years and there are no signs of pregnancy nor a baby in sight. Maybe your thick and thin has more to do with the cash flow, not flowing. Do you just bail on the person you have been there with? Do you bail on the person because they’re not bringing as much income home as they once were? Is this now your time to give up on everything you’ve worked so hard to build? Do you walk away or do you decide to stay by your partner’s side?

Here’s the thing. Did you think about any of this before you said yes to the relationship? And did you take an even deeper dive and think about it even further before you said “I do” at the altar? See, these are the things that we need to think about before we jump into such serious situations. Marriage cannot be taken lightly.

How much are you going to cherish this person and cherish this relationship? Did your spouse get diagnosed with an unexpected life altering disease such as cancer? Do you leave them because they’ve been struggling with cancer for 1 year, 2 years or five years? If this is the case then what is the sickness and health line in your vows all about?

Have you been this thorough when thinking about your relationship? So, you want to get into that marriage but do you really want all the stuff that comes with being married or do you just like the idea? Then when times get hard while in the marriage, then you are ready to bail? Take some inventory today. Do you bail when times get tough?

Marriage is not for everybody. A lot of people want it. But are you truly ready for marriage through the thick and the thin? Have you healed from your past baggage or are you still carrying around those demons? Are you going to take that into your relationship?

Have you thought this deeply about what taking your marriage vows actually means? Have you sat down and had an in depth conversation with your spouse? What if you guys stop having sex for whatever reason. Maybe it is a medical reason or maybe it is stress. Do you walk away? Is it now your time to go out there and become a philanderer because you are no longer having sex with your spouse? Is that really your definition of thick and thin?

You want this fabulous relationship but you are not ready to go through the highs and lows.

Here’s what you can do. If you are in a relationship, I want you to schedule this particular talk with your spouse. Sit down. Take out two sheets of paper. And you ask each other the question, “What does thick and thin mean to me?” “What does it mean to you?” Take a few moments to write down the answer. Then have the discussion.

If you are single. Sit down yourself, have a date with yourself and write down what thick and thin means to you. You have to know your own definition first before you can get the answer from somebody else because here’s the thing, if you do not have the answer yourself, then they are going to “blow the question off” until you start the conversation. So, if you are the one to go to the person and say “hey what does thick and thin mean to you?”, you need to have some answers yourself.

Here in the Marshaun O community, I am helping you to create a better relationship with yourself and your partner. Yes! You are creating the relationship that you are a part of with every action you take or do not take, with every conversation you have or do not have, with every hug you give or not. You have the power to determine your life experiences one moment at a time.

For more articles and tips of how to be better and to show up better in your love life visit www.marshauno.com/blog. To receive daily relationship advice in your email, signup for my email list when you visit my blog.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.MarshaunO.com

Best Marriage Advice Received

I wanted to come and share with you the best marriage advice I’ve seen, heard and experienced. I did a poll on my Facebook page and simply asked, what was the best marriage advice you have ever received? The results were 15 of the best answers I agree with. These 15 stood out to me, so I wanted to come here and share with you.

Alright let’s jump right into them:

Never do anything once you do not always want to do.

This one translates into the dating game. People say they lose interest or they feel that their spouse has changed after they get married. This is one of the reasons why. The things you were doing to get your spouse were not genuine, you were just trying to impress your future spouse. When your future spouse became your actual spouse, you did not think you had to continue to do those things anymore. That thing(s) you were doing to impress your spouse no longer seems relevant since the chase is over. It’s no wonder your spouse is complaining.

This one is very important. Do not wait for marriage on this one. Consider this while you are dating. Never do anything, not even once, that you do not want to continue to keep up with. This is one of the complaints that we hear from our spouses, our friends and our co-workers; “He does not do the things he did before when we were dating.” This was due to your representative being on that date and not your true authentic self.

Don’t ever tell your parents how awful your spouse is.

Do not tell your parents how awful your spouse is after an argument or go down the rabbit hole of what he does not do within your relationship. Period! When you are finished arguing over that thing or have gotten over the issue and you two are having fun again, your parents and other family members will still be holding on to that transgression. Your parents are there for you. They like your spouse and some tolerate your spouse. The point is, your parents will always be there for you. They want the best for you and if that means not being nice to your spouse due to what you’ve shared, then that is what will happen. They won’t forget your spouse’s mishap because they are not the ones who are emotionally attached to your spouse, you are. Avoid all that drama by keeping your business in your home.

Marriage is what you make it.

Literally, marriage is what you make of it! If you always think and focus on the negative, your marriage will be negative. If you always think of all of the things that he does not do that is what you are going to see. It is also what you are going to focus on. If you are always sad, always yelling, screaming, cussing, fussing and fighting with each other that is how you are going to see marriage and your spouse. On the flip side, if you are always positive and you two are sharing your lives together, constantly laughing and dating then you’re going to see your marriage as the best thing since sliced bread because marriage is what you make of it. Focusing on the positive can help you see your relationship as a blessing as well as the person you are creating your life with.

Don’t compare your union to anyone else’s.

Do not compare your union to anyone else’s relationship. Do not do it! Do not worry about how amazing you believe your friend’s husband is because you do not live with him. You may wonder about a friend’s girl who is always cooking and yours is not. Guess what? Maybe they are not having as much sex as you and your girl. Do not compare your union to your friends, co-workers or any of your family members because marriage is what you make it and you get to actively create the relationship you want. If you want a better marriage, then do something to make it better. Do the things you want to do in your marriage to make it the most memorable and satisfying relationship you have ever been a part of. Make your relationship so memorable that people are asking you questions about how you maintain such a healthy marriage. Become that person because you know deep down inside it took everything in you for a love affair to blossom into something this great.

It’s about give and take.

It is all about give and take. It really is. You are not going to win every battle. You are not going to win every conversation nor are you going to lose every battle or every conversation. It is about give and take; it is about compromise. It is about “Okay, this time you can have that but guess what, the next time, I’m going to choose where we go eat.” That is what give and take is all about. How often are you giving and taking in your relationship? Is everything about you and your way or do things become a problem when they do not go your way?

Choose your battles.

Choose your battles. This one is absolutely true. Everything that comes out of your spouse’s mouth does not need to be addressed in the sense that you complain about it or an argument is the result from their statement. In the beginning, you’re going to feel as though you need to say something but the more that you do not say anything, you are practicing and building that muscle of not responding. The more you do this the better your relationship will be. The deeper your connection due to you holding your tongue. Your spouse will still feel that they are able to come and just be themselves with you. This does not mean you are going to agree with everything your spouse says or does. It just lets your spouse know that you respect him enough for him to just be himself. The more you practice holding your tongue, the more power you actually have. Most people think that you become weak when you do not speak your mind. You do not have to speak your mind about everything, literally, choose your battles. I read something recently where it stated you should let all of the little things go. Then when you do have something important to address your spouse will actually hear you because you are not being a constant complainer. It will make a world of difference in your relationship.

Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness.

Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness. You are! So if you are letting your happiness be dependent on what your spouse does or does not do, then you are giving them too much power. When you give away your power like that you become miserable. Happiness is a choice. Your spouse can add to your happiness but they cannot make you a happy person or even a sad person. If you choose to let whatever they say get under your skin, that is a choice you are making. If you choose to let someone ruin your day, that is your choice. Your happiness is your happiness and you create it all by yourself. You are in  

charge. You are responsible for your own happiness. You and you alone.

Put your spouse first even if they are not in this mindset yet.

Put your spouse first, even if your spouse is not of that mindset. Ideally, both of you should be putting each other first because if you put your spouse first and your spouse is putting you first, you two cannot help but win. He is making sure you are happy and you are making sure he is happy. However, if your spouse has yet to put you first, you should still do it. I have said it and I will say it again, if you want your spouse to change, you have to change yourself first! We always look outside for the change we are seeking. You must first look inside and become the change you seek in your spouse. It will happen, just not overnight. After a while, your spouse will observe how you are showing up and this can do nothing but rub off onto your spouse. Just think about the people you surround yourself with the most. You pick up things from them. It does not matter if it is good or bad. Your spouse will do the exact same thing. So, if you want them to change in any way, you have to first do it yourself. You have to be the example.

Never consider divorce as an option.

Never consider divorce as an option if you choose a spouse you are growing with. This must be a spouse that God sent to you and you choose. At times ‘we’ choose our spouses without God and then wonder why the union is really really tough. There was no prayer asking if he is right for you, you are just going along with this person because there was no one else in sight or fear that no one else would come along for another few years. Marriage is sacred and too many people take this for granted.

Keep God first in your marriage.

Keep God as the head of your marriage at all times. The order is God, husband, wife, children then everyone else. If you are making all the decisions yourself, what happened to God? If you are leaving your spouse out of the decision making process, what happened to that level of respect and honor? To those of you who are still talking to your family members or best friend about serious matters before speaking to your spouse, you forgot the order. This is part of the reason why you are having so many issues in your relationship. You are supposed to cleave to your husband or your wife.

A lasting marriage has its seasons and cycles.

I love this one so much, and not many of us think about it. A lasting marriage has its seasons and cycles so do not leave when the winter comes. Every marriage has ebbs and flows. We have our summers and winters. That does not mean you leave during the winter. Do not just throw in the towel screaming I’m sick and tired. It’s not going the way I believe things should go. I’m unfulfilled. I’m unhappy. These are the times you have to weather the storm, get quiet and become a prayer warrior asking God for his guidance. Not every season of heartache will make sense to you but believe me God is behind the scene drumming up something spectacular. You only get to reap your rewards if you stay the course.

Extend grace to your spouse like Christ does for you.

Extend grace to your spouse like Christ does for you. If we did this more often your relationship would be much better because as much as we logically know that none of us are perfect, we still expect our spouse to be perfect and not make any mistakes. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it states “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more  

gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Allow your spouse to show his weaknesses to you in order to feel free with you and to receive God’s blessings.

It is not you versus me. It is you and me versus the problem.

When you two have gone through an argument or there is an issue that has not been resolved, remember, it is not you versus your spouse. It is you and your spouse versus the problem. If you both come together, then these issues that are lingering in your relationship can be resolved much faster. However, if you two are battling one another, you are not on the same team. Get on one accord with things in order to get things back in alignment and then figure out how to resolve the issue together so you can stop having the same conversation over and over again.

Marriage is giving 100/100, not 50/50.

Marriage is about each of you giving 100 percent of yourself. Marriage is about each of you giving 100/100, not 50/50. Both of you have to be 100% in, in order for the relationship to thrive or have that lasting power. If you are only given 50 percent this is an F in school work. You are not giving enough if you only give 50 percent out of 100. Let me just be all the way real with you, giving 100 percent, all of the time, is a hard thing to do. It is not impossible. It is a skill that must be worked on internationally. Your relationship will not thrive unless you go all the way in on it. Otherwise you feel overwhelmed and drained.

Do not let the sun set on your anger.

This one actually came from one of the elders. This one was repeated multiple times before I left it here because one of the elders have told this to me multiple times. I decided to leave it as the final tip, because a lot of us still do not do it, which is, do not allow the sun to set on your anger. Resolve the issue before you two go to bed. Sometimes this is not possible to do because you just need time to think so you can be clear about what you want to say instead of just saying the first thing that comes to your mind.

Bonus: Allow your spouse to be whom he is.

This one will save plenty of marriages, which is, allow your spouse to be who he is. This advice was given by a woman who has been married for over 35 years. She is supportive towards her husband and his need for travel. He will travel to places such as India or just places that she just does not want to go. She does not necessarily enjoy doing everything that he likes to do, but she does not hinder him. She doesn’t say, “Hey, stay here with me. I’m going to be lonely; I need you here. Don’t go.” She allows him to be who he needs to be. She finds they are both happier. He brings all of that happiness and joy back into their relationship. She allows him to be him, but he also allows her to be her. Allow your spouse to be who he is and you both will have a much better relationship.

We are the co-creators of our life. We have the power to choose what we want. Which one of the tips are you going to make sure you implement into your relationship?

Want more relationship advice delivered to your inbox? Sign up to receive my many tips and strategies to create your best relationship at www.marshauno.com. My mission is to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one conversation at a time.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

What Is Your Vision for Your Relationship?

Have you ever sat down and thought about what your vision is going to be when it comes to your relationship? What will your future relationship be like? Have you taken inventory about where your relationship is currently? Have you thought about how you can change the current state of your love life? 

This is something to think about because this is a new year. So, what are you going to do differently this year and this decade in order to get different results in your love life? How many of you are working on your New Year’s goals, specifically towards your relationship? Have you given up because things have gotten a little rough and what you thought your love life would be by now is and looks utterly different from what you dreamed your life would be?

Know that you are not alone!

I was in your shoes not too long ago. I was the woman who had plenty of dates but no one seemed to want to move beyond this stage. Instead of allowing these men to move on OR me, myself moving on when I was not getting the title or treatment I deserved, I would try to find ways to convince him that he should see how much of a catch I am, would wake up and notice this and of course choose me as his own. Well. . . that never happened! When I decided to stop playing the victim and take back control of my life. That’s when things started to change.

Even now, when things are not going as planned in my marriage I do not throw in the towel because things are not moving as fast as I would like, I get quiet and still myself so I can hear the guidance of The Lord. When I feel stuck and it seems I cannot get my husband to hear me, I seek solace so I can gain the knowledge, lesson or next step I’m waiting for before I make my next move.

Have you taken the time to give your situation to God; to give your problems to God or are you constantly trying to handle the situation all by yourself? You see, anytime we as humans get involved in solving our own problems without seeking guidance, we have a tendency to make them worse, not better. We have a tendency to make them worse because we are trying to get our spouse’s to do what we want him to do versus what God is working on him or her about.

So, how much inventory have you taken?

What are you doing wrong?

What could you do better?

How do you want to show up?

Are you constantly sabotaging your relationship because you fear it will not last? Because you fear your relationship will not go the distance, you are subconsciously and constantly finding ways to sabotage your relationship. You regularly find things to complain about or are constantly picking arguments about anything and everything, because in the back of your mind, you already have this idea that this relationship is not going to work out anyways. You may not be aware but what you are actually doing is bringing your thoughts into fruition. The very thing you are fearing, a breakup, is the very thing that you are helping come true.

What is your vision for this relationship? What is your vision for yourself? How do you want to show up, happy, sad, angry, frustrated or miserable?

The more you try to control the situation, the worse, your relationship will be. You have to give up control and only work on yourself because you only have control over you. Here’s the thing. Once you decide to start doing things differently, your relationship will look a lot different. It will be a lot better. It will be less toxic. It will be a lot healthier. The decision is all yours. The thoughts you have about your relationship currently, can be better if you decide that enough is enough and you make the decision that you will do everything in your power to show up a much better person and be intentional in your speech and actions.

What will 2021 look like for you in your love life?

Need help? Check out my digital course The 6 Secrets To Finding Yourself and Attracting Your Soulmate. This course is for you if you:

Are tired of dating unemotionally available men

Have jumped from relationship to relationship

Hardly ever get asked to be his girlfriend

Desire to be married in the near future

Sounds like you, then click the link.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

http://www.marshauno.com

7 Ways to Evaluate Your Intimate Relationship

What does evaluating your relationship mean?

Why do we need to evaluate our relationships in the first place?

What are some specifics to look for when you look deeper into your relationship?

Being able to evaluate your partner as well as your relationship will give you a blueprint of the areas you and your partner need to work on as well as what you both are doing great currently. Evaluating your relationship will create the space to become more conscious and aware of how you are showing up as well as how your partner is showing up.

Let us look into the 7 ways to evaluate your relationship:

Playing together.

Ask yourself how often do you and your spouse have fun together? How much play time is involved? How much belly laughter can be heard in your relationship? Laughing together is a really, really great sign that you guys are in a healthy relationship. Another thing is to make sure when your guys are doing something together, whether it is an outing or whether it is doing something around the house, make sure it is something you both love. Now, this is not always going to be the case every time, however, you want it to be the majority of the time. Making sure you guys play together more often ensures that the relationship is light hearted and you both feel closer to one another.

Sharing dreams.

The second thing is how often are you two sharing your dreams? How often are you guys allowing each other into one another’s deepest inner thoughts? Sharing your dreams is very important. Also, when you share your dreams, do you get the sense that you can share it freely, without judgment? How often can you share your thoughts with your partner without any type of fear? Do not hold back what kind of dreams you want to share. I want you to share the dreams you totally want to venture into whether it is a place you want to travel to, or whether it is something sexual, share the things you are learning when you read books or listen to via podcasts or in music.

Trust

The third one is trust. We all know trust is one of the foundational pieces we must have in our relationships. If you do not have trust, you need to work on cultivating trust and rebuilding that foundation. Can you speak without feeling embarrassed or your partner making a joke about you or the thing you are speaking about? How often are you taken seriously in your relationship? Trust is the core of having a healthy relationship. Trust also is an area where our listening skills come into play. This is where they are the most important because you want your partner to be able to hear what you are saying, not just hear what they want to hear, or what they think you should be saying.

Working as a team

How often are you two working as a team? Do you both usually work alone or are you guys finding yourselves working together more often than not as a team to solve life’s problems? Do you find yourself figuring out life’s issues alone or together? It is better to work together as a team. You will only go so far in life when you are constantly doing things on your own. You can reach your dreams, goals and aspirations a lot faster with you and your spouse working as a team versus always separating things. You must be able to rely on your spouse without feeling concerned that he or she will renege on their part of the commitment?

Successful debaters

Are you guys successful debaters? Debating comes from the argument phase that ebbs and flows in everyone’s relationship. So, how successful are you two at arguing? How successful are you at debating? Do you find yourself mostly yelling, screaming, fussing and fighting or do you two sit down and have adult conversations where you say what you need to say and he or she says what they need to say? Do you two come to an agreement and say, “You know what I don’t agree with what you are saying, but we do not have to fuss and fight about it, we can move on.” Or say “You know what, I’d never looked at it quite like that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.” This is what an adult conversation looks like. Neither of you have to be rude, mean or nasty. Also, the couples who can disagree with compassion, respect and support of one another, are more likely to find solutions versus going round and round and round in a circle, never getting to any solutions while remaining frustrated.

Parenting the child in your partner.

We have a tendency to parent the inner child within our partner. And then our partner’s have a tendency to parent the inner child within us as well. This can be quite disturbing being your spouse’s parent in the moment. Whatever they need help with, maybe you need to guide them a certain way or tell them to do a task a specific way. This is what our parents did with us, right? So symbolically, you are parenting the inner child within your partner. This can be the most difficult time in the relationship because none of us want to be parented to. We think that once we grow up, we leave the house and we stop answering to anybody. So, this is one of the hardest areas that many, many couples, a lot of my clients, even some of my friends and family members struggle with. None of us want to be told what to do, not realizing this is where the gems are coming from. If we learn to stop taking things so personally and really hear what our partner’s are trying to say, listen for the value, listen for the gems that are inside of what he or she is saying to you, then you can have a much better relationship overall.

Would your inner child want your spouse as their parent?

This is basically the opposite of the previous one. Your partner is parenting your inner child. Now, ask yourself this question because your spouse is definitely going to parent your inner child as well. The question you really want to answer is, would your inner child want your spouse as their parent? Your response can run the gamut from being totally satisfied in the relationship to filling deeply unsatisfied. We often take offense to these things and they increase over time. If you do not watch what you are saying or continue to be intentional about the things you are doing, it is crucial that your parental behaviors do not rewound you as they did when you were a small child.

Once you evaluate these areas in your relationship, ask yourself some tough questions and answer them,  

then you can get a better understanding of what you and your spouse need to work on. But specifically, you because you only have control over you.

I created a free relationship resource library just for this season. Because a lot of times we have questions, we might not have somebody to answer them. We don’t know where to go and look. The link is bit.ly/relationshiplibrary. Download your free resource today.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com

How to Stay Attracted and Attractive to Your Spouse

Staying attractive to my husband can be a task at times with me juggling so many hats. However, I make it a point to get out my pjs, I have been in all day and put on some clothes that I would leave to house in. This keeps me intentional. This lets him know that I do care about my appearance and the way that he sees me. When I look good I feel good. When I feel good I show up differently than I would if I stayed in my pajamas all day long. Another thing I do with intention, is I continuously keep my mind sharp with information that will help me to be a better wife, mother and person overall. I am striving to be the best version of myself daily.

How do you stay attracted and attractive to your spouse?

Here are several ways to stay attracted to your partner.

Practice self-care

The first way to stay attracted and attractive to your partner is to practice self-care. I know this one sounds counterintuitive because you are giving to yourself, so how does practicing self-care translate to you staying attractive to your spouse? By giving to yourself you are giving to your spouse as a byproduct. You are taking care of the most important person in the relationship, which is yourself. And so, if you do not take care of you first, you cannot take care of anybody else. And that also goes into the attraction point. If you’re not taking care of yourself with your self-care routine to rejuvenate yourself then after a while you will be working from an empty cup. Giving from an empty well will lead to frustration and the feeling of being taken for granted.

My self-care routine consists of massages, taking baths, getting pedicures and just being rubbed on, being off to myself in order to think, even creating videos is a part of my self-care. I am able to freely speak about the things that I really love to talk about, be open and be able to express myself. So, think about some ways you can take care of yourself.

Here is how self-care plays a part in your relationship. Once you go back and speak with your partner about the things you have been doing, you begin to speak passionately and with confidence. This has a tendency to make you very, very sexy and attractive to your spouse. So, you must take care of yourself. That includes the food that you eat, the way that your body looks, your finances, your emotional, your spiritual, your physical, all of it together is your entire life and how everything plays out. So, you must take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your relationship. Pouring into yourself allows you the space to pour into someone else. You cannot do this from an empty cup. You need to be able to pour into somebody else from the overflow.

Give yourself room to miss one another

The second thing is to give yourself room to miss one another. So many couples like to stay up under each other. And then they wonder “Wow, this is getting kind of boring.” I’m not saying to never do this but I am saying give yourself a chance to have some breathing room and to miss one another. Maybe you really want to go to watch a movie at the theater and your spouse does not want to go. It could be something as simple as this. Go by yourself. When you return, you can discuss the movie with your spouse or you can watch another movie or you guys can just converse or decide not to do any of the things mentioned. Give yourself permission to say, “you know what, I actually miss him.” Giving each

other the space to be missed allows you both to remember why you fell for one another, stop taking each other for granted and deepen your connection.

This time away does not include your working hours. You must find other ways to be separated from your partner in your free time. You want to keep the curiosity alive and the longing to be near one another again. This only happens when you are out doing the things that interest you, such as your hobbies. My hobby includes going for simple walks around the block or going to the local park to escape. I love walking around the park or simply listening to the innocent children laugh and play. These times remind me of how much simpler life was when I was a child. While I am out I allow my mind to just wonder and give me the downloads it wants me to take in.

Write sweet and playful notes

Number three is to write notes and set them in places where you know he or she is going to find that sweet little note. It could be something super simple, like, have a great day. I can’t wait to see you later on or it was so special being with you last night with a winky face or here is your special coffee. Commit to making them feel special with simple little notes. Your partner will often think “I chose a great person to share this life journey with.” It is the little things that mean so much. Allowing your partner to think about you when there is something nice that has happened to him gives him the space to enjoy being your spouse. This is how you stay attracted and attractive to your partner.

Be appreciative

The final tip to stay attracted and attractive to your spouse is to be appreciative. There is nothing more sexier in the world than hearing your partner say “thank you” for the simplest things you have done for him or for her. This does not have to be something that they did in the moment. It could be something that he or she just does that makes you think “wow, that really makes me feel special”. For instance, when they play with your hair or when you hear him tell you he loves your butt. Or that really made me feel special when you held the door for me. Showing your appreciation will remind your partner why they feel special to have chosen you and want to give you more. It is also easier to love an appreciative person. You feel better about yourself. You fall deeper in love with your partner and you are happier overall.

Taking the time to be intentional with how you are showing up in your relationship is the key to creating the relationship you crave. Staying attracted and remaining attractive to your partner is all about your actions and your mindset. The more you lean into showing your partner the best version of yourself the more your partner will lean into being a better person himself.

If you need any more tips on how to stay attracted and attractive, but you just do not know where to begin do not hesitate to reach out to me. We definitely can get you on the road to creating a spectacular more romantic relationship with your spouse. Reach out to me either via email at marshaun@marshaunolaniyan.com or you can sign up for a FREE Coaching Session.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com

When Should You Believe Your Spouse Will Actually Change?

When should you believe your partner is going to change, especially when you have been asking for change and have not seen much movement? Is there change but at a very slow pace and a much slower pace than you want?

What things should you look for in order to say, things are getting better? Again your partner may be moving much slower than you would like for them to move, but they are getting better. When do you decide, I’m going to stay around since I know that if I stick this out our relationship will thrive.

I’m sure many of you reading this have been through a defining moment in your relationship before. It can be a hard decision to stay when there is little to no movement with your partner’s progress. It can be even harder to leave because your thoughts of feeling and even looking like a failure can take over. You may think about what your friends and family would think. Even more importantly there are those thoughts of your time being wasted. So, what do you do?

Here are five things to look for and think about in order to make an informed decision to stick around in your relationship a little while longer or not. Also, remember you are not alone. It does not matter what the issue and/or concern is. You are not alone! Each and every one of us have seen our relationships ebb and flow. Every relationship has great times, then bad times. Every couple has peaks and valleys. So, you must understand that even when you think you are alone and going through everything alone, you are not.

My name is Marshaun Olaniyan. I am your favorite life and relationship strategist. And I help women who are married or in long term relationships to stop feeling disconnected and unloved and shift them to feeling heard, understood and appreciated. One of my purposes in life is to help decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate.

He/She is involved in a proven process of change

The very first thing to look for is his or her involvement in a proven process. The process has to be in alignment with some form of change. In this case, is your partner in some type of coaching program? Are they going to some type of therapy? Are they talking to a preacher, a pastor, a mentor or a trusted elder? Is he or she actually implementing the advice into your relationship?

What you are looking for is involvement in a process that is going to help change their behavior in order to be a better spouse. This also helps you to be a better spouse which leads to you guys creating a healthy, romantic relationship together, so it does not feel one sided.

There is a monitoring system in place for checkins.

The second thing you are looking for is a monitoring system to be in place for check-ins. What this actually means is a way to hold your partner accountable. You can ask questions such as, “Hey, did you go and talk to the therapist?” Or, “Hey, did you actually make you doctor’s appointment?”, or ask “How are things going?” Maybe there is something that is happening internally with him or with her that he or she is not comfortable sharing with you as of yet. This is okay. What you are looking for during the check-ins is for him or her not to be agitated or irritated by you asking probing questions. When you are

checking in, you do not want to press and prod for information. You want to allow your partner the space to share if he or she wants to, not because it is mandatory. This ensures your partner feels as though they still have a sense of privacy until they are ready to share whatever it is that is happening with him or her.

Look at it like this. For example, your school age kids have to do homework. Your child did not do his homework unless you ask them about it, right? Then you have to go a little bit deeper and ask, “let me see the homework.”

This is the check-ins system mentioned above, even with your children. Your partner will be no different, especially if you are thinking this may be your last straw. Checking in holds your partner accountable to do what they said they were going to do in order to shift your relationship around. So, you can get back to falling in love, having a lot more sex and enjoying the relationship with one another. Also so neither party is experiencing unrequited love.

He/She is involved in self-sustaining motivation

The third thing you want to look for is self-sustaining motivation. You do not want to be the only party that is hoping, wishing and praying or nagging them in order to go to therapy or coaching. You do not want to feel like you have to nag them, they must want to improve. Observe his or her behavior. How many books have they read on relationships? Is he or she willing to admit what they are doing is not working? Look for progress in the form of your partner getting coaching or therapy, reading books, attending seminars and conferences or listening to podcasts. Look for new exposure and experiences he or she has tried to implement into the relationship. Again, you should not have to always push, prod and poke your partner. He or she must be doing these things on their own as well. You cannot keep up the motivation for him or for her. He or she has to do that for themselves. Now, you might start it, you might give them the motivation to start doing these things, but you cannot sustain their motivation to be better in the relationship, to show up better in the relationship or to be better off where both of you are enjoying the relationship. Your partner has to want this for him or herself.

He/She needs to admit they need change

The fourth thing is, they have to admit, at some point, that they need this change. He or she must admit this change is needed more than ever because it is destroying everything they have built, everything they have ever wanted and dreamed about, all the things they have attained and it is affecting every area of their life. He or she must admit they need to change and then do something about it. Just talking about it is not enough. It is the actions that have to follow behind their words. The action is the part that elevates you to the next level. When you are scared to have those tough conversations due to some form of lack in the relationship, such as, you missing attention and affection. In order to receive what you crave is by speaking up about your truth. You will never receive your wants or needs by remaining silent. You also have to remember, this is your love language, not your spouse’s love language, necessarily.

Again, he or she must admit and even own the fact that they have an issue or problem that they cannot solve on their own. And, they have to want to be better and search for ways to become a better partner and person overall.

Have a support system

The fifth thing is they need a support system. And that support system is you. Ask yourself if you are supporting your spouse. Or are you being his or her parent? Are you supporting your spouse or are you always poking, prodding and nagging? Are you being a great support system where he or she can lean on you with everything, so at some point they feel super comfortable enough to open up to you and allow you into their inner world, so you guys can grow together, so the distance you currently feel can go away? This is going to take practice. It is not going to happen overnight.

In closing, if you are not built to be the support system, if you are not built for this to take some time, in order for you to see and experience the fullness of joy, the fullness and possibility of happiness between the two of you, then you probably should walk away. This is just me being real because relationships are a journey. They are a marathon. They are not a sprint. Your relationship did not get this way overnight. Your partner changed gradually over time, so it will take some time for him or her to replace old habits and old behaviors with new ones.

Order my book, Understanding Your Spouse Deeper. This guided journal gives you and your partner an opportunity to experience and see the real person deep inside. There are 120 thought provoking questions to answer and discuss with one another. Move past surface level conversations and into learning who one another truly is. This journal brings about better communication and a deeper love for each other. Buy yours today!

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com

Are You Ready for a Relationship After that Heartbreak?

Having our hearts broken seems like one of the toughest things we can experience.

I remember my first heartbreak. I was a 15-years-old girl who had a crush on a very popular boy. He acted as if we were dating. We would talk at all hours in the night. I would even skip school to see him. My heart got crushed when I overheard someone ask him about me. He denied my existence, let alone that we were not a couple. After hearing this raw truthful information, I cried myself to sleep. It was the first time I ever cried so much.

The first heartbreak seems to hurt the most but which heartbreak does not hurt?

How you handle your heartbreak will determine if you are ready to date and be in your next relationship.  

Are you really ready to start dating? Are you really ready to get into your next relationship? After the heartbreak, how much work have you done on yourself? Do you really think that if you jump into the next relationship right away all of your past baggage you have been carrying around with you will not surface again? Trust me it will. Just when you think you have stopped hurting and laid that heavy suitcase down, placed it in a corner and covered it up, that you are ready for your next relationship. I am here to tell you, you have not cleaned the wound out and properly cared for it. You have only placed a bandage over the wound. As soon as you get triggered in your next relationship this old baggage will be right there waiting to weigh you down once again.

You have to work on yourself. You cannot think just because it has been years since you have dated that, that junk is no longer there. If you have not been taking the time to understand yourself, if you have not been taking the time to work with someone like me to help you release all of that junk, to really figure out and answer all the why questions then as soon as he does something you have experienced in your previous relationship, you will start to protect yourself and become emotionally detached or even defensive.

This will keep happening relationship after relationship until you answer questions such as, why am I showing up the way that I am? When and why has my critical voice taken over? Why do I feel like I am unlovable? Why do I feel like I am not good enough for this person? Why do I feel scared whenever he leaves out the door? Answering questions like the questions mentioned above, will give you a clearer picture of yourself, your needs and help you to become aware when you get triggered once again.

No matter how long you have been out of a relationship, if you have not done the work and taken a deep dive into your past to understand your current habits and behaviors, then you are not ready for the next relationship. When we get into a relationship never understanding ourselves such as, not having a really good underlying definition of what we are looking for, why we show up the way you do and who you are, then it is not going to matter. Every time you get into a relationship you will run that person away because you are not ready to invest the time, energy and effort because you are stuck in the past.

Ask yourself, am I ready for my next relationship? If you are a person that always shuts down when your feelings get hurt, maybe you cannot take constructive criticism or you would rather seek revenge rather than talk through what happened to hurt your feelings, then you are not ready for a relationship. Couples’ that have extraordinary relationships do not shut down. They face their challenges and they deal with them. They do not sweep unresolved issues under the rug. If you are not ready to face your own relationship difficulties as soon as they occur or after you have calmed down then you are not ready for a relationship. It is a great responsibility to be in a healthy relationship and to be a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships. If you are a person that becomes argumentative about

everything then you are not ready for a relationship. If you cannot listen and take in the things that you are doing wrong, the things that you are doing right, as well as the things you need to continue to work on, all are signs you should not be in a relationship.

Another thing to think about. Do you run away when things get hard? Are you a runner? Whenever something does not go your way or whenever you think this is too hard, it is too much, I cannot deal with this, do you literally turn and walk away? If so, this is showing the level of maturity you have not reached as of yet. I am not here to judge you, I am just here to point out some things that maybe you did not realize you do. If you run away from any type of conflict, instead of facing it head on, as I mentioned, you are not ready for a long-term relationship.

The last thing I want you to think about is, if you no longer believe that love exists or love is for everybody else and you are not on your own list, then you are not ready to be in a relationship nor are you ready to jump in the next relationship. You still have work to do on yourself so you can release all of the stuff that broke your heart, all the people that caused you pain and hurt and those feelings of you not being worthy enough to be loved or good enough for that person who comes around. Some of that stuff came from a romantic relationship. Other pieces of it came from sibling relationships, your parental relationships and other countless relationships throughout your life.

If you need help breaking down your brick wall you have your heart encased in then please reach out to me for some help and tools to break those chains. The longer you allow this to stay in place the longer it will be before you are ready to enjoy the fullness of a beautiful relationship. I am here to help you reach the next level in life. A way to do this is to get out of your own way. While you are getting out of your own way let somebody like me help you with the tools and strategies, so you can be a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships. Invest in yourself, and you will be able to pass this information along and break generational curses. You no longer have to carry the weight around of all the past hurts year after year after year. This is how you love you. This is a way for you to stand up and shout to the world that you are worthy of love, respect and joy. Book your FREE session here.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com

5 Reasons Why Your Needs Are Not Being Met

I remember how scared I was when I finally decided to speak up and ask my partner for what I needed to be happy, secure and to feel wanted in my marriage. Before I started to ask for what I needed on a regular basis, I can remember how nervous I would feel, how dry my mouth became just before speaking and how I stumbled through asking for what I needed.

As I asked more often and slowed my speech, asking for what I needed became easier and easier. The nerves never fully go away because I have always had a nervous gut feeling due to me rarely using my voice while growing up, so this is still a struggle to this day. However, I know how important it is to continue to use my voice and ask for what I need.

Most people never ask for what they need due to the fear of rejection of some sort. Fear can creep in and steal many, many things in life including you ever experiencing what you need out of love and life overall.

Here are 5 reasons why your needs are not being met:

You are not sure what your needs are

Your needs are not being met, because you are not sure what your needs are. If you do not know what those needs are, have you taken the time to sit down for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes and actually write down what it is you need in order to be happy in your relationship? Ideally, you really want to do this while you are single and not seeing anybody. However, if you are dating someone or married or in a long-term relationship, have you applied this concept before? If you have not, this is the perfect time to sit down and create a list of the things you need in your relationship. If you cannot verbalize them, your partner cannot meet them nor is he or she a mind reader.

You never verbalized your needs

Your needs are not being met because after you figured out what your needs are, you never verbalized them to your partner. See, it takes time for you to really hone in on what your needs are and then inform your partner these are the things you need to be happy in your relationship.

Consequently, to know this information and never verbalize it, then what is the point? You cannot expect your partner to magically know what your needs are and then meet these unknown needs. Most of us have dated several people. What we did for our last

partner may not be the exact same recipe for success we need to implement for this current partner. In general, there will be things we all need such as honesty, respect, faithfulness and love being shown to us. Those are the basics. However, there may be other things that you are unaware of that you have to do differently. You may have to show up in a different manner for your current partner and love them slightly differently.  

Maybe your ex’s love language was quality time, but this partner’s primary love language is gifts. So, then you have to give more gifts in this relationship. You have to be flexible in how you show love to your current partner because it may not be the same as anyone else you have ever been in a relationship with.

Again, if you never verbalize your needs and keep them bottled up in your head, do not expect your partner to be a mind reader or just know what you need. That will never work out. You will just feel frustrated, angry and annoyed.

You overcompensate in every relationship.

Your needs are not being met because you overcompensate in every relationship. Why are you doing this? Maybe you feel your partner is going to leave you. Maybe you feel if you do not do this, then there will be repercussions, such as an argument occurring or you feeling lonely or leaving you feeling like you are not good enough. Stop overcompensating in every relationship because everyone you are giving your time, energy and effort to, do not deserve it. Let’s just be real, this includes, the person you are currently dating or in a relationship with. Sometimes you will have to cut the cord. Also, if you are overcompensating in every single relationship, not just your romantic relationship, but also with your siblings, friendships and your parents, then there is an insecurity of some sort showing up.

To figure out why you keep overcompensating in all your relationships, sit down, take pen to paper and write down all the reasons why you are overcompensating in every single relationship. Doing this will give you clarity and an idea of where you can change things so you stop feeling depleted and start loving yourself more.

There are no consequences

The reason why your needs are not being met is because when your needs are not met, there are no consequences. For instance, you want to make sure you two are spending quality time together then you two have that conversation. You both agree upon the terms that are suitable for you both. Maybe after this conversation and agreement your partner still does not comply; they still do not show up in the way you need. They were

placating you just for the moment. Now that you know this, there are no consequences.

Even though you two set the date and time to be intentional about falling in love with one another, dating each other and being intentional about giving each other the opportunity to be the priority in each other’s life, one of you just keeps dropping the ball. Since there are no consequences, your partner believes you are okay with their underwhelming performance. You may get mad but that is the extent of your consequences. You sulk and seethe but you do not address your precious talks and what they promised to do. You sweep it under the road. You think it is going to get better but it never does. The cycle just continues. You get pissed off. You do not talk about it. He or she just gets off the hook because they know that you will get over it soon and things will be back to normal. And the cycle continues.

However, if you put a stop to things, then your needs would be met. Now, this is going to be uncomfortable. It will take you out of your comfort zone. You are going to feel like why do I need to do this? Why do I have to say this? Why do I have to keep repeating this? By doing this, you are teaching your significant other how to treat you in the long run. If you deal with how uncomfortable you may be now, then you can stop having this same conversation later.

So, what are your consequences? For example, when you tell your child “Miesha, listen, don’t do that or you will get a timeout or your phone will be taken away, well guess what, your child pays attention. She will think, I probably should not do that anymore if I want to keep my phone. We all have an inner child who wants to come out at times. Your partner is the exact same way. If your consequences are never enforced, then it does matter and he or she will keep undermining your requests..

You automatically think others should do what you are doing.

You automatically think others should do what you are doing which is why your needs are not being met. This is not the way it works in life. Just because you have a giving heart does not mean that everybody around you is going to be giving.

Everyone does not show up the exact same way. Everyone does not think the same way. Since everyone is not on the same frequency of niceties or giving respect or showing how they love you or the like, you must be flexible in your views and understanding of where your partner, and other people are in their growth journey.

Looking for more ways to be more present in your relationship or to ask for what you need in your relationship or finding ways to connect deeply with your spouse? I can help. Let’s chat. Book your FREE Coaching Conversation today!

Looking for more unique ways to connect on a deeper level with your spouse? Check out my book Reignite Your Relationship by 7X and 365 Days of Love For Us: A Couples Coloring book.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.bit.ly/relationshiplibrary

7 Communication Traps to Avoid

Many people struggle to communicate in a healthy aspect to and with their partner. Some even feel when they are speaking it automatically means they are communicating with their partner.

Unfortunately, this is not usually the case.

While communicating we are not only speaking with our mouth, we also communicate 93% with our bodies which is outside what we are saying. For example, the direction you look in while speaking plays a part in whether you are telling the truth or not. The direction you point your body in tells how much you are into that person or the conversation. If your arms are folded across one another or not speaks to how open you are. 

We hear it all the time, communication is key, so why do we have such a hard time doing this?

I believe this is due to there being so many definitions of what it means to truly communicate with another person. And because not many people look for the body language clues to see if the conversation resonates with their partner, we tend to speak at each other instead of knowing how to really engage in healthy communication. Since, we have such a hard time knowing what it means to really communicate, it is easier to fall into these common communication traps.

What are the communication traps and how can you avoid them?

Here are the seven communication traps you need to avoid. These 7 will ruin, destroy and tear down your relationship.

  1. Criticizing your partner by making angry demands

The first one is criticizing your partner and then making angry demands. For example you may say, “If you do not tell your mama to stay out of our business then we are not going to have sex anymore.” I know. This is a strong example but the point is, you start to criticize what their family member is doing, in this case your partner’s mom, then you bring up the angry demand, which is you two will not have sex. In this case you are using sex as a weapon, which is a no-no. Do not use sex as a weapon. Avoid this relationship destroyer and communication trap.

  1. Having all night discussions.

The second thing is more geared towards my ladies because generally women have a tendency to speak about the relationship until a result or solution has been agreed upon. So, the second communication trap is that you are trying to have all night discussions. You two had an issue. For instance, he left the house and did not tell you or he decided to change plans in the middle of his original plans and did not inform you he was going to stay out with the guys longer than he originally stated. All of a sudden, he comes home but it is much later than you expected. While waiting for him you were getting irritated and annoyed. He gets in and now you want to have this long, drawn out talk about his time difference and plans changing. Now, I am not saying the talking is bad, but there is no need to have an all night discussion because after a while he is no longer listening and your attempts to get him to see his error will be in vain. Cut the all-night discussions out. Have a talk about his time management and not informing you of the change. I am telling you, after a certain period of time, your spouse is no longer listening to you. Only thing they hear is wah wah wah, furthermore he is waiting for you to shut up. 

Do not do that to yourself. Do not do it to your spouse. Think about the things you actually want to say before the conversation. Write them down, and then talk about those items on your list. This ensures you are not having all night discussions and you are still both voicing what you need.

  1. Needing to be always right

The third communication trap is needing to be right all the time. Nobody is right all the time. Nobody! It is very unattractive when you come off as a person who needs to be right about everything. What this really shows is you have low self-esteem. You also come off as a person that needs everybody to know that they are the smartest person in the room. So, don’t set yourself up as a person that has to be right about everything because that can be a total turnoff. Avoid this communication trap. Do not be a know-it-all. Do not need to be right about everything. Because you are not.

  1. Power struggles

Tip four, power struggles. Power struggles are quite funny. Not ha-ha funny but they are funny in a sense because the more you fight to control things, the less control you have. Noone likes to be controlled. During the power struggle stage, this is usually one of the hardest and trying times within a relationship. If you two can make it out of these times then you can conquer anything together. Many people also use power struggles as a way to hold onto their own individuality. This becoming one has a lot of people scared that they will lose who they are but what they are really fighting to keep is them not change their core beliefs, values and ideals as well as that free feeling to do whatever they want without having to answer to anyone.

  1. Holding grudges.

Communication trap 5, holding grudges. When you hold onto grudges, you are holding onto something that happened to you previously. Whenever you two get into an argument, you see this as the perfect opportunity to bring that very thing up, yet again. By doing this over and over again, your partner stops feeling emotionally close to you. What happens is the imaginary line of where the distance stops and starts, widens. Holding grudges creates distance: Physical Distance, Spiritual Distance and Emotional Distance. As you continue to hold onto your grudge the resentment builds up, which is why you have unnecessary outbursts, all because you never got all the small stuff out in the open as it was occurring or after it occurred and you had time to calm down. By the time you have the outburst, your spouse has no clue what is going on and why he is the target. All of these unnecessary steps happen when you decide to hold in and not voice the problem as soon as it happened or soon after. 

Whenever you hold things in and a grudge forms, you are hurting yourself. Literally, your body has a visceral reaction to the grudges because it is trying to cope with all the anger you have within you. This may be why you have body aches and pains. You do not realize it is from holding all of that negativity inside of your body. Why experience this when all you have to do is wait until you have calmed down, then go and share your feelings to your partner. When you are open about your feelings you feel lighter and are more welcoming to your relationship and your partner. You feel heard and understood.

  1. Guilt trip

Tip six, guilt trip. Are you holding your partner in a state of being guilty all the time? Guilty about everything even though they are probably not even doing anything. Your partner may feel, after a while of being accused, he might as well go do X since he is already being blamed for it.

For example, cheating. Maybe your spouse cheated on you before and you decided to take him back. Due to you never healing from this transgression, your insecurities often present themselves. Now, you constantly accuse him of cheating. You hold this against him, even though you verbally stated that you forgave him, you really did not.  Since you never forgave him for cheating on you now you make him out to feel guilty and ashamed every chance you get. 

Every time he leaves the house he has to check in with you 50 million times, in order to keep your insecurities at bay. What you are unaware of is you are slowly eating away at your relationship one moment and accusation at a time. Your insecurities need to be laid to bed by addressing what the root cause of why you are so scared of being cheated on? Have you two gotten the help you need to understand why the cheating occurred in the first place? How often do you openly discuss why the transgression occurred?

When you say you forgive someone these cannot be empty words for the moment. Was it all just for show? How will you address your insecurities so you can start to rebuild your relationship and life as a couple?

  1. Falling for diversions instead of focusing on the original issue.

Tip seven, falling for diversions. Instead of focusing on the original issue, specifically during your fight, one of you does something to divert the attention away from a solution to the original problem. Instead of laying the original issue to bed, now there is a secondary fire that needs to be put out. For example, you and your partner are on a road trip. One of you wants the radio on and the other one wants the quiet. Out of nowhere you two begin to argue about who wins this one. In the midst of this argument, one of you begins cursing at the other person. This is where the diversion happens. 

Instead of addressing the issue with the radio and the quiet, you two now have to address the secondary issue, the cursing, before you can move back to the original issue. When you start cursing at your partner, not only are you being disrespectful but this diversion does not help you get closer to your goal of compromising regarding the quiet and the radio. 

Do not allow these divisions to creep in and leave you both feeling as though, there is no hope. Plenty of arguments stem from something just as small and stupid.

Need help with avoiding these communication traps, being more playful in your relationship or finding ways to connect deeply with your spouse? Let’s chat. I can help. Book your FREE Coaching Conversation today!

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.bit.ly/relationshiplibrary

Signs You’re Being A Bad Partner Even If You Are Unaware of It

Am I being a bad partner? 

Are there times I am really unaware when I am being a bad partner towards my spouse?

If I am being a bad partner, without knowing it,  can I stop this?

The answer to each of these questions is, yes! Yes, you could be being a bad partner. Yes, you really could be unaware that you are being a bad partner and yes, you can stop being a bad partner.

Confession! I too can sometimes be a bad partner to my husband and not be aware of it. Being “bad” comes in all forms. After reading this article you will have a better understanding of what you are doing wrong and how to change it. This article will help to raise your awareness level so you can continue to create a stronger relationship.

Generally, we are aware of what it means and how to be a good partner but what if you are being a bad partner and not know it? Here is how you could be unaware you are being a bad partner:

  1. Pointing out all the “wrong” things your partner is saying or doing.

The first thing you could be doing to show that you are a bad partner is you point out every single thing your partner is saying or doing “wrong.” Even if it is true and he is constantly doing things wrong, you do not have to point this out each time. Everything you think does not need to be verbalized. Toddlers and young children do that and you are not a young child. Once you pass a certain stage you have to be able to control the things that come out of your mouth. I am not saying, never tell your spouse what he is doing wrong, but if you find yourself being in the category where you feel you always have to get every instance and every situation out in the open, then you are leaving a bad taste in your partner’s mouth about yourself. You are also distancing yourself from one spouse. You are not bridging the distance gap. You are widening the gap. The distance creeps in like a thief in the night and you will not notice it until months or even years later. So, stop doing this behavior, if this is something you are currently doing. It does not matter if you are right. You do not have to vocalize it every single time. 

Also, if I am the person that is on the receiving end and you always have to tell me how I do everything wrong, then I would start to wonder, why am I here? I can never please him. Nobody wants to have every single thing they do “wrong” pointed out to them. I am sure, if you are doing this, it is not in a pleasant manner. You make it known that you are right and your partner is wrong. By doing this you are killing your relationship.

  1. Everytime your partner hurts you, you hold it in.

The second thing I want you to be aware of when it comes to you being a bad partner is, anytime your partner hurts your feelings, you hold that stuff in. You allow things to build up. You allow things to fester. Anytime this happens resentment starts to build up and seep out in different ways. Whether you are being snappy or are making snarky comments or your spouse responds to you like “Woah! What is happening?” This occurs because you are allowing each little thing that is big in your eyes compound. Every time it compounds, you are not resolving the issue. You are continuing to create a wider gap of distance between the two of you. You are not building a closer relationship. Please stop holding things in! This is definitely a huge way of realizing you are being a bad partner, whether you realize this or not. 

You have to release your feelings and thoughts. This also strengthens your connection with your spouse. Releasing those bad vibes also helps your spouse correct the area so he does not continue to hurt you in this way. This is a sure fire way to remain happy with your spouse and your relationship, so express yourself.

In some instances, it is not that you cannot express yourself. The question becomes, “Does what I have to say help or hurt our relationship?”  You may not be willing to express yourself because you believe you are helping the relationship by holding things in, however, in reality you are not helping the situation. You are destroying your foundation you have in your relationship. This all happens because you are allowing things to fester and build up. Which leads to the distance settling in. Also, the love is slowly fading away. It is flying out the window each time you remain silent. 

 Instead voice why that hurt your feelings. Say something like, “Hey my love, it makes me feel unloved when you do or say X to me. I want to feel loved while I am in this relationship. Can you please stop doing X and do Y instead?” 

You have to vocalize the things you need as well as the things that hurt your feelings. Again this helps you keep resentment out of your relationship. The more you vocalize and get this stuff out, the happier you will feel. The better you will feel about the spouse you chose because you know that he can hear you and is willing to change his behavior for you but mainly for the betterment of the relationship. Stop being a bad partner and speak up!

  1. You always have to have the last word.

The third tip is, you have to have the last word no matter what. Every time you two get into an argument or, you are having a conversation, you often feel you must have the last word. Nobody is always right. It is very unattractive to try this and it shows your emotional immaturity.  You do not have to have the last word in order to be right. And the person, who does not have to have the last word is actually the more mature party in the relationship. If you are the person who always has to have the last word, it is not attractive and you are not drawing your partner towards you. You are repelling them. Also this will cause direct harm to your relationship, the intimacy in your relationship and your friendship with your spouse. Your partner suffers from dealing with you having to be right, but you also suffer from always having to have the last word.

  1. You always threaten to break up or divorce.

The fourth thing I want you to pay attention to is you threatening to break up with your spouse. Whether you mean it or not, does not matter. Your first sign of getting out of this tough situation is to run away. In this case you bring up breaking up or a divorce. You say things such as, “You know what, I don’t like this. I’m just going to leave here for good and never come back.” or “We are breaking up.” 

When you do this you are destroying your relationship security. You are killing your chances of going the distance because you are acting like a toddler. Stop threatening to break up because two things are going to happen; 1. You are going to break down the security within your relationship. 2. If this is something you say all the time and there are no actions behind your words, your spouse will not believe you after a while. If it is something that you mean, say it then take action behind it. If you are saying it because you are trying to get away from this tough talk or tough situation then you are killing the security in your relationship and you are going to regret it later on. Furthermore, if you continue to go down this path the closeness you crave, goes away. The family  you desire to have by your side  goes away as well. There will be nothing but distance and crickets in your relationship.

  1. You always have your mobile device when you two are together.

The fifth and the final tip you could be doing to destroy your relationship by being a bad partner is, you are always on your mobile device when you guys are together. You are not being intentional about the time you two are spending together. Now, will you never have any distractions every single waking moment, absolutely not. However, when your spouse comes home, for instance, and you, instead of greeting him, stay locked into whatever you are doing on your phone, at some point your spouse will say, “Okay, if she does not recognize I am in the room, why in the hell am I coming here?” If that thing or virtual person is more important than the real person in front of you than there are bigger issues. If your virtual world is more important than your spouse and you are not willing to take a moment out of your day to greet him in order to have a conversation to deepen your relationship then you guys are in real trouble. Your relationship is in real trouble. 

Many of us have an issue with our mobile devices or our computers or even the television. I get it, but at some point, you have to take responsibility and start being intentional about the ways you are showing up in your relationship. 

Want more?

Perfect! I created a FREE Relationship Resource Library for the times you need to just talk to someone and no one answers or you do not know what step to take next to improve your love life. This guide will help you understand your spouse deeper, create better communication skills and help you discover how to be a better partner and person. Your relationship tool box will grow and mature as long as you implement the things you are learning. Don’t just read these tips and say “oh that’s a good list.” Do something with this list. Download your FREE Relationship Resource Library now!

My name is Marshaun Olaniyan, your favorite Life Relationship Strategist and I help Christian women that are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved and shift them to feeling heard, understood and appreciated. 

If you would like to connect to go deeper into a one-on-one coaching conversation, please schedule your FREE Coaching Conversation today!

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist 

www.marshauno.com