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The Advantages to Having More Sex

SEX! Sex is a subject that many are embarrassed to speak about in public. It is also the topic of discussion amongst men when in groups and amongst women when they get into groups of 2 or more as well. Not much sex gets discussed between the sexes it seems. According to a Penn State study women talk about sex-related topics more frequently with their best friend than men do with the exception of masturbation. It would behoove each of us to spend the uncomfortable time talking to our partner’s about what our sexual needs are so we can experience more enjoyable sex together and take it from theory to application and then bliss 🙂

Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite life and relationship strategist. I help women who are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved to feeling appreciated and understood all while creating the intimacy she deserves.

 Let’s address why having more sex is to the advantage of you and your partner, as well as the relationship overall.

Excited yet?

1. Sex rewires you for pleasure.

There are times we get out of having sex because we let the world take over us. We let life take over us. We let our children take over us. We let our schedules take over us. We let our careers take over us and sex has a tendency to take a back seat. Because we live in such a fast paced society, no one wants to feel left behind when it comes to their ideas of what success is. Sex helps you refocus on the things that matter, such as your family. The more you indulge in it, the more pleasure you bring into your life and into your relationship.

2. Sex can bring the passion back in your relationship.

Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. Lots of times the passion in our relationship goes away. This is usually due to our busy lives. We get into our work routines and we are not thinking of new ways to bring fun, to erase boredom or the stress from our lives. All the different ways to keep it fresh, new, sexy and continue to feel wanted by your spouse need to be spruced back up. We have to put our focus back into our love lives to bring the passion back so we never lose it. Three ways to do this is to add more excitement, sensual touch and intimacy.

3. Women with a higher sense of smell have better sex.

According to a study conducted by German Researchers in the Archives of Sexual Behavior women with a better sense of smell reported a higher frequency of orgasms during sexual intercourse which equates to about 60 percent of women. Women with less sensitive noses reported having orgasms only 17 percent of the time during sexual intercourse.

4. Sex can help you lose weight.

We know that exercise keeps us healthy but should we add sex to this regimen on purpose? The more rigorous your sexual activities, the more calories you burn. This equates to about 250 calories per rigorous sexual encounter. Having rigorous sex can be your new form of exercise. One study added having sex to the moderate-intensity exercise category which is where you want to be in order to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle.

5. Having more sex decreases the effects and the feelings of depression.

Depression weighs us down. When it is weighing on you it is also weighing on your partner. Depression is the top disability in the U.S. for people ages 15-44. However, there are many aspects of sex that can help to buffer depression’s side effects. One study found that depressed women who are exposed to semen had increased moods. The act of sex for men increased thier moods as well.

6. Sex decreases prostate cancer in men.

How does having sex do this? Sex decreases the blockages in men’s tubes by regularly engaging in it. About 50 percent of men, no matter age, race, ethnicity are going to get prostate cancer. A way to ward that off and not be a part of the 50 percent is to continue to have more and more sex.

7. Sex helps women with PMS pain.

Not every woman feels the effects of PMS but there are certain symptoms and signs that occur while on your cycle and PMS is one of them. A few other benefits of having sex with on your period are it can shorten your cycle, less need for lube and it heightens intimacy.

The more you talk about sex and the things you like outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside the bedroom. If you need to give your partner some instructions so your sex life can be better, the best time to address this is outside of the bedroom where there is no pressure to perform. This also enhances the chances that you both feel as though you received what you needed. So, the more you speak about sex outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside of the bedroom. You can say something like. . . ‘I really love when you rub on my. . .’, ‘I really love it when you touch me. . .”, ‘Touch me here next time I really loved that.’ Letting your partner in on what you like, need and want inside the bedroom will increase your chances of them pleasing you once you two get back inside the sheets.

Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship and having better sex.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

http://www.marshauno.com

How to Prepare for Marriage: Do Not Entertain Him Because There Are No Other Potentials Pt 5

We are back! We are discussing our marriage preparation series: How to prepare for marriage. Preparing for marriage can seem daunting if you do not know which areas of your life you should work on and/or be conscious of. One of the reasons the divorce rate is over 50%, is due to more than half of the people who get married never face their past. The things from your past relationships as well as the things that happened in your home environment as a child, affect the person you have become. You do not want to entertain and date someone just because there is nobody else around. Not addressing your past plays a part in your beliefs about who you believe you deserve to be with. It also plays a role in who you attract and begin your relationship with. Who you attract stems from where you are currently on the journey of getting to know yourself fully, which includes your likes and dislikes. Deciding to date someone solely because there are no other suitors will bite you in the bottom in the long run. You do not want to entertain and date somebody just because you are feeling lonely or alone. You do not want to entertain just anybody in order to pass the time, while waiting on the man you will marry. It does not work this way.

I’m not talking about when you are on the fence about a guy because you do not feel the butterflies or the date was just okay and nothing spectacular happened. You may say “Okay! Let me go ahead on this date. Let’s see what happens with this.” I’m talking about you truly knowing there is no way in hell this relationship is going to work out, but you still go on the second or third date. Here is why you do not want to do that.

1. This stops and blocks you from attracting your true soulmate.

You will block your blessings. You will be stopping the very thing that you want to come into your life. There is no way that you are going to attract the right guy to come and be a part of your life if you are still dealing with this guy, the time killer or space filler, that you have no interest in. You lessen the chances of you being open to someone else you really like crossing your path and you will start to feel as though you are settling.

2. This keeps you emotionally attached to someone you should not be attached to.

You will start to develop some feelings for this person even if they are not deep feelings. You are only there because you are feeling lonely rather than because you want him by your side. You are only there because he is there when you want him to be there. You are there because he allows you to do certain things that you know you don’t want to do but you are secretly trying to run him away so you do not have to be the “bad guy.”

3. You are afraid to be alone.

You do not want to be alone. You do not want to be the person who is consistently showing up at the gatherings, alone, or without a date. You are afraid of what others will say about you and you not being in a relationship. You may even feel unloved or unworthy to be chosen if you are

not in “any kind” of a relationship. Deep down you do not feel good about yourself, so being around and in any kind of relationship is better than no relationship at all. Right?

4. You’ll continue to have sex with him especially if the sex is good. Keeping that soul tie.

Keeping someone around only for the sex becomes a very empty, lonely relationship after a few times of this happening. When there is nothing deeper to tie you to the guy emotionally, spiritually and mentally. You will be satisfied for a very short period of time. Sex is important but it is only so important when you want to feel loved, appreciated, honored and respected. When he runs away from the emotional stuff or does not share who he really is or what he wants, you wanting him sexually dries up just as fast.

5. This behavior makes it harder for you to give that next person a real chance.

Anytime you are deliberately creating space for someone who will not be in your life for the long haul is not only a waste of time but it is a deadend waiting to be reached. This guy may really, really like you but you never see him for who he really is nor do you give him a real chance. Because you are not open to giving him a real chance, when someone else crosses your path you are not able to give him a clear shot either because you are entangled in this other relationship. You are still connected and not ready for the relationship you say you want. You will constantly repeat the same type of behavior over and over again until you learn to be alone and NOT feel lonely. This will inevitably lead you to falling into the arms of men who do not deserve you or that you will never see your future with.

Sis, do not entertain someone just because there is nobody else in your immediate path. You have to get to the root of ‘WHY’ you feel lonely when you are not in a relationship, whether it is meaningful or not. Ask yourself: “What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to be alone?” When you are able to fully answer these questions then and only then will you be preparing yourself fully to get married and stay married.

By the way, if you’d like to go deeper with a series of questions pick up my book “Getting Over Your Ex”. You can do this sis, with a little help. Click here!

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist


How to Prepare for Marriage: Qualifying Your Partner pt4

What does “qualifying your partner” really mean? It means slowing down the process so you can make an informed decision about the man you are allowing into your life as your spouse. It means choosing someone to take this life’s journey with you, on purpose! It means making one of the best decisions in your life so you never feel like you had to “settle.” It means taking the time to get to know the other person well in a way that makes you feel good about your choice of spouse.

How are you qualifying this person? What types of people are you bringing into your life? Are you just accepting any guy that shows you a morsel of attention and expresses how attractive he finds you? I get that that is a part of it for sure, but after the looks then what? So, I ask again, how are you qualifying this person? You cannot rely on the physical attributes alone.

Do you go along with the flow in the hopes that you will be chosen by this guy if you never say “No”? Do you really get what you want by just going along with the flow, never voicing your opinion? For most people this is not the smartest strategy. You have to speak up when something does not feel good or you feel disrespected or when your needs are not being met. You also have to give the guy you are dating a chance to adjust himself and start to improve on what you stated in order to see if he cares enough about you and the relationship before deciding to walk away.

Can he hold a conversation? Have you asked strategic, yet, important questions for you two to talk about? I often get asked, “What questions should I ask my significant other?” The short answer is any question you want. To be more specific ask the questions, in the beginning that mean the most to you? These are the questions that will determine if you want to continue to pursue a dating relationship with him. These questions are based off of your deal breakers list. These questions are the most important questions to ask and receive an answer that fits for you before you move on to the ancillary questions. Questions such as:

“Do you want kids? If so how many? If not why not?”

“How do you like to spend your weekends?”

“What are your religious beliefs?”

“Where would you like to live in the next 1-3 years?”

“How often do you go out to the club?”

“How much time do you usually spend with your close friends?”

“How is your relationship with your mom? Dad? Siblings?”

“Are you in a relationship, engaged or married”

“Do you live alone, with roommates or your parents?”

“What are your top 3 love languages? Which of these is the most important for me to show towards you, in order, for you to feel loved?”

After you have asked a series of questions, take the time to evaluate his answers. Does his answers align with yours? How does his answers stack up? Are they on the right track, enough for you to have another date to continue the process of getting to know him? If after your reflection time, you still feel as though this is someone you want to to know deeper then keep going. If he isn’t then walk away.

Do not get discouraged and do not give up! That is one of the things that I talked about in the first part of this series. The very thing you must keep doing in order to find your mate is to keep dating. You have to know what you want. So, if you stop dating you are significantly decreasing your chances of ever attracting or running into your potential mate. Slowing down and qualifying your mate is the best way to end up with your soulmate. Slowing things down is a beautiful thing. It gives you the opportunity to really evaluate if this person should be in your life for a long period of time. But if you give up, you will never get to the goal of getting married.  

How you do one thing is how you do everything so if you are in the process of just giving up on dating you are probably giving up on other areas as well so be conscious of that.

The next way to qualify someone you are dating is to think about their characteristics. What things do you want them to bring to the relationship so you can enjoy one another? Would you like for your mate to be intelligent, kind, devoted, kind-hearted, peaceful, determined or adventurous. Imagine you having a get together and your friends and family keep complimenting you and your choice of mate. How would this make you feel? Being intentional, knowing what you want and sticking to this with a little wiggle room, increases your chances of attracting a guy you’ll be super happy with and wonder what your life was ever like before him.

Next, think about the way he is and you are showing up while on your date, whether virtual or in person date. Ask yourself “How am I showing up? How would I like to show up? What can I do differently? Did I like the way he showed up? Was he present the entire time? Did he make an effort to be fully engaged with me?” After you’ve answered those questions, then plan on implementing your new behavior patterns on the next date if his behavior matches what you like.

Whatever type of person you keep attracting, whether you are conscious about it or not, is exactly how you show up, have similar characteristics, and ask similar questions like yourself. You will attract the person you currently are. The best way to attract a better mate is for you to continuously become a better mate.

Finally, pay attention to the way he speaks about his future. Does he use “I statements” or does he use “we statements”? Does he speak about you two traveling in the future together? Does he talk about the family he wants with you or the life you two will create together? If he is not then you should not include him in your future either.

I remember when I was dating, this gentleman I was seeing would use a ton of “I statements.” These statements often went over my head until I started to understand the words and phrases men use that see you in their future. I was NOT a part of his future but he never told me outright. I started paying close attention to the words he spoke as well as his actions. It’s safe to say that I was right. I was not a part of his future. I’m so glad I walked away when I did.

You have to be just as vigilant and attentive to the man you are attracting into your life. Keep your eye out for the “keeper”! Do not waste a lot of time on someone who does not or cannot see the value in you. Qualify your mate before months and years pass and that is all they are. Months and years of wasted time.

By the way, if you have not started preparing for your future mate because you are holding on to a past relationship or partner, check out my book: You Can Get Over Your Ex: The women’s Healing Journal to Say Goodbye for Good and Mean It: https://amzn.to/2NuaFlK

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

How to Prepare for Marriage: Do not Force the Relationship pt.3

While dating, there will be many times when you feel very alone. These are the times that you must focus on choosing to be happy, continuing to work on yourself and loving every moment of your free time without any distractions. For some people this is the time when they feel the most sad. So when they start dating again, they have a tendency to become desperate and quickly choose any partner versus the mate that is best for them. During this desperate attempt to find someone to combat the loneliness in their life, they have a tendency to force a relationship out of something it is not.

Being forced to do anything does not work in the long run. Your chosen partner may go along with your plans for a little while but the rebellion will start once he starts realizing he is going along with the things you are creating or making him do versus what he wants to contribute to the “relationship”. Do not allow your desperate lonely feelings dictate who you choose for your life long partnership. 

So, why do we allow our feelings to run the show even when we know logically jumping into a relationship based off of desperation will never work for a long term relationship? Slowing down the process and getting to know the guy is the best way to cultivate the relationship you dream of experiencing as well as being able to discern if you need to move on from this dating relationship due to red flags appearing. We do this because of our fear of never finding someone in the future, of never being chosen by any one at all and we do this because we do not like being the single one in our friends group. We allow others to dictate when, with whom and how long we should be single or choose a mate for that matter, sometimes even to the detriment of our happiness. 

Be on the lookout for these things, so you do not feel like you are forcing the relationship to happen. Unless you both are on one accord, and you are both available emotionally, physically, spiritually and ready to be in a relationship, it will never work nor go the distance. One of the things I want you to think about is, how often each of you are calling, texting, emailing and facetiming one another? How often do you two communicate? Do you find that both of you are reaching out to one another or is this one sided? Are you the main person who is making sure you two speak during the week or even daily? Do you find that you often make the first contact or you two probably would not talk that day or every few days? For example, are you always sending the text messages in order to make sure you two go out on dates or just hangout? Is he answering your calls and texts in a reasonable time or is it hours and hours or even days later before you get a response? Is that response some form of him saying that he has been busy versus saying ‘I’m Sorry’ and then making sure the date is still on and you are still available?

One way to figure out if things are being forced is to mirror what the other person is doing. If he realizes that you two have not spoken that day or the next, see if he reaches out to you to see if you two are going to hangout or if that date is still on. If not, then it will hurt but you will be able to see who was really into whom and who was just going along with things. I mean, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone where you have to do all the work? No. I didn’t think so. By mirroring what he does at some point, you will be able to move away completely unless he decides to come back stronger this time around. Otherwise mirror what he is showing you and if this brings you closer great. However,  if it takes you further apart then accept this as well. Accept that you were more into him than he was into you. It happens. But do not force anybody to be with you. You do not want to force anybody to make you feel like you are their second choice.

Another thing you want to consider is if you are constantly changing who you are when your partner is in your presence. This, my friend, is forcing the relationship because you cannot keep that up. You are headed down the same road you are trying so very hard to avoid. . . the road leading to a breakup. You do this because you fear him leaving you if you show him your true self. You do this for fear of being judged about who you are. You do this because we all want to feel loved, cherished and shown off to the world as a priceless gem.

One thing I really liked about my boyfriend, now husband, is each time we were about to end one  date for the evening, he made sure we already had the next date planned. It wasn’t that he knew all the details where the next date would occur but we did have the day and time set. I later found out that he did this because he said he knew I was a good woman and he did not want another man to snatch me off the market. There was no forcing the date or the issue to see each other again. He knew he liked my character and looks so he made sure I knew it. Men know when they want to take you off the market, they might not do it right then and there, but they already know when it is a good thing in front of them, they will do something about it. 

The last thing I want you to think about is do you feel alone even when you are with him? For example, while hanging out do you feel comfortable enough to just sit in silence and watch a show or do you feel like you must talk in order to feel the connection? If you do not feel comfortable enough to just be when he is around then you may be forcing the relationship to be something it is not. 

Slow things down while preparing for marriage. You do not want to just go out there and choose someone because you are tired of the dating process. Do not do it. Do not force the relationship. This, my friend, is a blessing in disguise although I know it may not seem that way in the moment. Understand who you are, why you do the things that you do and consider how much work you have done on yourself. Understanding all of these things are going to make a huge difference for you to attract and choose your next partner. 

There are some things you have to do differently but you still know when a person is truly into you and enjoying your company. You both do not want the date to end. And that is how you know that you are not forcing the relationship. Also, pick up on what my husband did with me, he made sure before either of us left the current date we were on, we set a new date and meeting time for our next date. 

Remember, you are not out here to meet every person. You are dating to meet your person that is right for you and who will become your forever date. 

Tired of feeling like you are always forcing the relationship to blossom? Ready to gain the knowledge and be done with struggling to fit into someone else’s world? I understand and once experienced the same feelings. I then decided enough was enough and began the process of working on myself in order to understand why I kept feeling like I was into him more than he was into me and why I kept attracting unavailable men. Enroll in my course The 6 Secrets to Finding Yourself and Attracting Your Soulmate. It will answer the above questions and so much more. Choose you today so you can attract and choose the man for you later. 

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com

How to Prepare for Marriage: How Much Work Have You Done on Yourself pt. 2

When coaches, therapists or counselors ask how much work have you done on yourself, what they are really asking is how much information from your past have you figured out the reasons why you behave a certain way, why you respond the way you do, have you figured out why you criticize yourself for every little thing and why you became the woman you are in this moment. It is being asked during therapy or asking yourself the hard questions and digging deep within to find the answers. Most people need a coach or therapists to unearth these answers. 

Before attracting my second husband, I too needed to do my own work on myself in order to find out why I was attracting the same type of man, what behaviors I was repeating that was stopping me from experiencing the love I wanted and why I did not fully accept the skin I’m in. I had to sit with myself and answer these questions and plenty more in order to get the full picture of who I am, where I was constantly going wrong and how I could change things around for myself by implementing small tweaks as well as trusting the process. 

Yes, relinquishing control about the outcome was tough but it made me understand me. It had and continues to help me trust my instincts and my gut feelings. You know that feeling you get when something is not right but you are having a hard time pinpointing what it is. Well, my gut would tell me when something was not right while I was dating. I began to trust it and do the hard thing. . . Choose myself and walk away or to confront the situation and his behaviors. 

By working on yourself, you will gain a ton of insight and perspective about the way you view yourself, view people of the opposite sex and gain answers to a lot of ‘why’ questions. The ‘why’ questions range from very simple to very very complex to face, acknowledge and accept. 

Doing this inner work on yourself shows just how willing you are to opening up and being vulnerable later on with your partner. This ultimately makes things easier later on while dating as the flood of emotions will have passed you by and it will make it easier to talk about. All the things that make you vulnerable will be a part of the stories you share with your partner so they understand you on a deeper level. This is how a beautiful relationship begins: the sharing of stories, understanding what makes you, you and how you feel heard and understood. 

Think about it, when was the last time you put yourself in a position to stop going through the same things while dating? Have you ever asked yourself, how do I stop dating the same person over and over again? Or how do I stop myself from reacting in such a horrible manner? How much time have you taken away from the dating scene or are you the person that continues to jump from one relationship to the next? 

The next thing I want you to think about is your friendship circles. Yes, your friendship circles, the people that are in your life. How are they showing up in the dating scene? Are they talking about how dating sucks every time you speak with them? Could they be feeding you negative thoughts and  energy, and you take on the negative thoughts and feelings about dating into your own personal life? Maybe at one point, before you spoke to them you did not think about dating in a negative light but because you have internalized their ideals, they became your own, which is why you keep attracting the same kind of man. Think about it, is it your voice you are actually hearing or is it someone else’s voice and negative opinions? 

Have you done the work by irradiating your baggage? Not dealing with your baggage is a tell-tell sign as to why you keep dating the same person over and over again. 

Have you ever thought, if you are really ready to be married? If you are truthful with yourself the answer is probably no, and that is okay, that is why we are here. I want to make you more aware and bring more consciousness to where you are currently, so you can do something about it. Because only you can do something about it. It does not matter how much you talk to different people or what they have to say. This journey of working on yourself is a continuous journey and one you have to walk alone. This is a marathon. This is not a sprint. This is not something that you want to go out and just do i.e choose a partner really fast just because you are scared of being alone or you really do not feel worthy enough to figure out who you are so you could choose somebody better in order to increase your chances of having a better love life.

Do you know what marriage is all about? If you do not, let me give you a clue of some of the things that marriage is all about. Marriage is all about growth. It is all about tests. It is all about building together, becoming a better person, selflessness, compromise, becoming one with your partner and supporting one another. 

If any of the things mentioned do not sound like something you currently possess then that is what you need to be working on. Most of us . . . Noone has to tell us how to be a selfless person, that is something that is innate. It is a quality we are born with. Next, you must decide to practice this, understanding that when you go through a trial or valley in your relationship that that is nothing but a test. And, it is all about how you handle the test. When the tests of life come, are you acting like a spoiled brat who never gets their way? Are you asking yourself if you could have handled that situation better? It is always the small changes that make the biggest difference. 

When you understand that something is always going to come, it is all about how you show up when it arrives. It is all about how you are growing through this and other unexpected situations. 

Need help with getting ready for your mate and eventually marriage? Sign up for your FREE 30 minute coaching conversation because my mission is to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one coaching conversation at a time! Ready to join in one my mission with me? 

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com

How to Prepare for Marriage: Know What You Really Want pt. 1

How many people do you know actually prepare for marriage before they say “I Do?” I mean really prepare for what is to come  after the wedding day? I do not know many people who prepare before the wedding. Many people focus on the wedding itself and never go to premarital counseling, never have in depth talks about the life they want to create with their spouse nor how they will handle conflicts. Most people just jump and hope for the best.

I unfortunately fell into this same trap. I had no idea that I should prepare for my marriage before I got married. I, like many of you, knew I wanted to be married and live happily ever after. Although I grew up with relationships all around me, I never had any talks about how to show up in a marriage, how to be my spouse’s best friend, how to ask for what I wanted, how to handle situations that plagued our marriage nor how to become one, where I cleave to my spouse and leave my parents side. The seriousness of being a wife never crossed my mind. I just thought things would fall into place. My husband and I would get along swimmingly and we would build a life together that was unbreakable from outsiders. Little did I know that was far from the truth.

What if there was a way to prepare for marriage BEFORE you get married? Well, that is what we are here to discuss for the next several weeks: How to prepare for marriage BEFORE you get married.

The first way to prepare for marriage is: Knowing What You Want

In order to know what you want for your future marriage you must put yourself out there and gain as many dating experiences as possible. This is how you are going to know what you want in your future mate as well as the types of experiences you want to relive. Next, think about the kind of person you want to be, while you are in the marriage. Who do you want to show up as? What do you want your legacy to be for your family? Who do you want to be? 

Another thing to think about is, how do you want to be treated? Also are you willing to give the exact type of treatment to your future spouse? Ask yourself what love means to you. How do you want to be loved in your marriage? Ask yourself what respect means to you. How will you show respect to your mate? Ask yourself if you are willing to make your partner a priority. Have you thought about what quality time means to you and how you will express this to your partner? These types of questions are just the tip of the iceberg and are a great start to receiving and creating the type of marriage you want. They are also just the beginning of such conversations that should be occurring while you are dating.

Another thing to think about is, what kind of career does he or she have? The reason for this question is for you to have an idea of the type of person you want to bring into your life. Some people call it the law of attraction but you have to know what you want. 

Before I started dating I knew I wanted a man to have a career where he was not required to travel for a living. I wanted my husband to be at home with me and the family at night. I also knew I wanted children so any man that did not fit these two requirements were not on my radar for long and I moved on from those deadend relationships, well relationships that I considered to be deadends.

Next, are you a religious person and does it matter if your partner is religious or not? Some people believe this does not matter. There is no right or wrong answer here. This really is about you, who you are and what you want not anyone else. You want to be intentional about the type of person you are attracting into your world. You have the power to create any type of relationship you want.

What are your top characteristics or must haves that your potential mate needs to have?

The last thing to think about is how soon would you like to be married? One year, 5 years or much sooner after you meet a qualified partner? This is important to make sure that you and your partner will have an idea of how long your dating phase will be and/or see if he/she is not a match in this area at all.

Giving yourself the permission and space to ask these questions of yourself first and then being able to articulate these questions to your partner, you both can see how much of a match you are with one another. You have to know what you want in order to attract it and believe it, in order to receive it. 

Need help going deeper and releasing an ex from your past? Pick up a copy of my books, You Can Get Over Your Ex: The Women’s Healing Journal to Say Goodbye for Good and Mean It and Getting Over Your Ex: A Breakup Fill in the Blank Book

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com

Expectations — What They Look Like and What They Mean

Studies show that it is actually good to have high expectations when it comes to your relationship. It is healthy to have expectations of respect, affection, intimacy, time together etc. Being in a healthy relationship means you are getting your needs met by a person you love and trust. Whether you are in a new relationship and trying to decide what to expect or trying to make an existing relationship better, discussing expectations of each other is important. 

Before you can discuss your expectations, you have to figure out what they are. More importantly, you need to be sure your expectations are reasonable. This is the part that can get a little tricky. We do not always recognize our expectations as being unrealistic because we do not even realize we are expecting them. Here are a few healthy expectations: affection, respect, time, challenges and growth, trust, honesty and emotional and mental support.

Do not compare yourself or your relationship to others.

This is very important not to do because it takes away from what you already have with your partner. It takes away from what you two have built. It takes away from you looking deeper into and appreciating the man that you already have. Comparing yourself and your relationship to others is always going to be the death of your good feelings toward your partner and the relationship itself, plus anytime you start to compare yourself to other people you will always be on the losing end of the stick. You must think about what the other couple is showing you, because a lot of times, it is what they want you to see and what they want you to believe. It is not necessarily what is happening in their relationship.

Why do we make relationship comparisons? 

Social comparisons help us understand ourselves, so it is no surprise that relationship comparisons are tactics we might use to help us make sense of our own relationships. We even ask ourselves question such as: 

Am I in a healthy relationship?

Are we going to stay together?

Should we break up? 

Is what I am experiencing normal?

Has anyone else gone through what I am going through currently? 

Should I seek counseling or coaching in order to make sense of things?

By looking at the relationships around us, we seek evidence that might help us gain a stronger sense of our own relationship strengths and weaknesses.

I remember when I used to compare myself to my other friends and their relationships. This happened specifically when I was not in a relationship and I would always look around and even make snide comments, to myself. I thought on several occasions, “Wow! She is not even a nice person or how does she keep getting into relationships and I keep getting passed by?” I used to compare myself no matter where my friends or family members are within their relationships. Not looking any deeper into how they feel about their relationship, what was going on in their relationship, if they are happy in their relationship or if they are getting their needs are being met in the relationship. The only thing I saw was the outside, which was they were in a relationship that seemed to be going well and it felt as if I was missing out on something.

Challenges and being able to grow together.

By facing the challenges together and seeing yourself as a team, you will create greater intimacy and connection, deepening your love and strengthening your relationship. A lot of people believe that relationships are synonymous with discomfort. This does not have to be the case for you. This is often because for them a relationship represents a permanent sacrifice or an uncomfortable place to be. Again this does not have to be your story. A growth focused relationship can bring out the best in you and in your spouse.

Make time to talk about the relationship. This will help you understand your partner much better, be more empathetic and loving. Scheduled time will give each other an opportunity to talk about the relationship without judgment or animosity. And by “talk about the relationship”, I mean treat your relationship like a third person. You can do this by asking plenty of questions, then figuring out the solution or the cost for each question you asked. Ask questions such as:

Are we talking enough? 

Are there unresolved issues? 

If there are unresolved issues, what are those issues? 

Which one would make the greatest impact on turning our relationship around? 

Do I feel as though my needs are being met? 

Is my partner getting his needs met?

Just by putting your relationship in the third person you will be closer to it and get the answers you need. This is the growth process and the challenges that comes along with you growing. You have to identify the challenges in order to be able to change things around. 

Trust and honesty.

Honesty is the foundation for trust in a relationship and trust is necessary for a relationship to function and thrive. When you are always honest with someone, it tells them that they can trust you in the things you say and do. It helps them know they can believe your promises and commitments. Being honest with your partner also facilitates healthy communication, which is also necessary for a functional relationship.

Couples need to be able to talk openly to one another and be real with each other; that is what true communication is all about. That commitment to being honest also means that both people will be proactive about addressing any tension and conflicts within the relationship as well as bringing them up to each other for discussion.

There are several ways to become more trustworthy and honest within your relationship. I will name 3 here.

  1. Be consistent. Do the things you say you are going to do and be someone your partner can rely on. Building trust happens with actions not just words. Words are empty without the actions to back them up.
  2. Prioritize communication. Make communicating with each other an open priority in your relationship. Have a conversation and agree that you will both be open with one another about what you are feeling, what you need, what is working, what is not working as well as some of the solutions to change these areas that are not working. By establishing this, you make honesty easier to practice for the both of you.
  3. Avoid judging one another. Within your relationship there will be things that your spouse does to you that will make you say “oh my goodness.” I did not know you believe such things or is this the way you think? You want to keep it a safe environment because the more you condemn, the more you make him feel bad about himself or his thoughts and even his fantasies, the more you are heightening your chances of your spouse closing down on you, either right away or slowly . . . but surely. Sometimes my clients do not understand why their spouse has shut down on them nor shares anything with them like they used too. This happens because you have taken away the safety zone within the relationship. It may not be that your spouse is no longer speaking about the things that keep him awake at night. He is just no longer sharing these things with you. If someone is honest with their partner about how they feel and then gets shut down or yelled at for what they say, they are less likely to want to be honest in the future. So when your spouse is being honest and vulnerable, avoid judging them or punishing them for their honesty. This means avoid calling what they say stupid or immediately telling them why they are wrong to feel the way that they feel. You want to create a space with your partner to feel safe expressing himself. This is what breeds honesty. If someone expresses something that hurts you, tell them you appreciate their honesty and then discuss why your feelings are hurt. If your partner says something that you really wish they had not said, you can let them know that that is information you would prefer not to hear from them. Just remember that your partner should be able to tell you difficult things. This is a part of being in a relationship. This does not mean you are going to like everything your partner says to you but you have to keep it a safe space in order for the honesty and trustworthiness to continue to grow.

How are you handling your expectations? Have you verbalized what your expectations are to your partner? Do not fall into the trap of believing your partner should just know what your expectations are. You must speak your needs or write them in order to have them met for the future. 

If you need help with your expectations, your communication or any other relationship question, reach out and let us have a free 30 minute coaching conversation. 

Keep speaking your truth!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist 

www.marshauno.com

Stop Playing the Victim and Blaming Others After You Get Hurt

We have all been hurt before but what do you do with the hurt is more important than the hurt itself. Would you prefer to get back to an active LIVER of life? Or would you prefer to ruminate endlessly about the past and something that cannot be changed? Or will you continue to just blame others for how you are feeling?

The problem with blaming others is that it can often leave you powerless. Now, all your feelings are legitimate but it is important to feel them fully and then to move on. If you do not practice forgiveness you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.

Why you must stop being the victim and blaming others

In every moment, you have that choice – to continue to feel bad about another person‘s actions or to start feeling good. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness and not put such power into the hands of another person.

By blaming others you excuse yourself for that same negative behavior. If something goes wrong, then someone other than yourself must be blamed for causing the situation. That is the rule of the blame game. You have a hard time accepting what you cannot command. Many events are beyond your control. Accidents are incidents that happened unexpectedly and unintentionally. The blame game is one-sided, irrational and creates biases which give you the right to defend yourself.

So why do we play the bank game? Here several reasons why we do this:

  1. We project our emotions. Blaming is a distraction and it helps us to avoid doing some deeper soul-searching. By projecting bad feelings at others we set them up as bad so we can look good.
  2. We expect life to be fair. Life is not neither fair nor unfair, life just is. We have a broken idea of fairness. Rather than accepting that something bad happened tous, we opt to blame others.
  3. We want to feel safe. We blame others because they are bad. That is what we like to believe. Being bad is a label. It helps distance ourselves from those who are evil so we feel safe.

You must forgive them – and yourself. Forgiveness is a way of tangibly letting something go. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is simply saying, “I am a good person. You are a good person. You did something that hurt me but I want to move forward in my life and welcome joy back into it.” You cannot do this fully until you let the thing that hurt you and the person that hurt you, go. Sometimes we get stuck in our pain, in our stubbornness and we cannot even imagine forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying I agree with what you did, instead it is saying “I do not agree with what you did but I forgive you anyway.”

This is very important to remember because what forgiving other people is saying is you refuse to hold onto this grudge that is holding you back. It is also saying that you refuse to allow this grudge to take you down the road of misery any longer than it already has. Finally, it is saying that the other person does not deserve your forgiveness but you are willing to forgive him or her anyway so you can move forward in your life. Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalize process of change, which moves you from suffering to forgiveness which also helps you to improve your life, acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behavior and work to release them as well as choosing to forgive the person who has offended you which moves you away from the role as a victim and releases the control and power the offending person and situation has over your life.

As you forgive and let go of the grudges you’ll no longer define your life by how you have been hurt.

Being hurt never feels good but each of us has had this experience a time or two. So, how do you move on from playing the victim and continuous blame game? 

Need help moving on from playing the victim? Let’s chat over a free 30 minute coaching conversation. My mission is to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one coaching conversation at a time. Ready to join the mission so you can become a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships? Click the link. 

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan 

Life & Relationship Strategist www.marshauno.com

Discussing Your Boundaries With Your Partner

Setting boundaries. Establishing healthy boundaries and a relationship allows both partners to feel comfortable and develop positive self-esteem. In order to establish boundaries, you need to be clear with your partner about who you are, what you want, your beliefs and values, and your limits. A lot of times, we tend to focus on adjusting to others, taking time away from focusing on ourselves. Setting boundaries for yourself that reflect who you are and who you ultimately want to be will only enhance setting boundaries with your partner in a relationship. 

Boundary setting is not just about guarding yourself physically, but also mentally. Setting boundaries means being able to communicate with others about how you would and would not like to be treated, and protecting values that are important to you. Boundary setting shows respect for yourself and healthy assertiveness to others. It is important for you to know and believe that you are worth defending. 

Boundary setting can be used across a spectrum of situations from refusing to answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable to avoiding life-threatening situations. Communication skills can make or break human relationships. Without knowing how to engage in healthy communication, you open yourself up to increased stress and for the challenges that can compromise your relationships with others. Quality communication relies heavily on listening skills. If you or the person you’re communicating with are not actively listening, there is no real understanding, no basis for growing together, no mutuality and no acceptance.

Communicating your thoughts with one another.

Be honest but respectful when sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Remember it is totally normal and okay to need time to gather your thoughts and feelings but do not use this approach to avoid the tough conversations. 

The first step in boundary setting is to name your limits. 

You need to identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits —- not just in romantic relationships, but in all your interpersonal relationships. Your feelings and intuition can help guide these limits. Being self-aware helps you honor your values, feelings and yourself. You must be willing to name what your limits are in order to gain the respect that you deserve, from yourself first, but also from your partner, because we teach people how to treat us. And, if you are not naming your limits and expecting things to go a certain way, then you will not receive the things that you aspire to have out of your relationship. You must be able to put a name to what your limits are. 

When I started doing this, it changed each one of my relationships around for the better. It made me recognize that I have a voice and how I am capable of using it. You also have to teach everyone in your life how you want to be treated and this is what communicating your thoughts and wants looks like, all while setting your boundaries. You have to know what your boundaries are and then be able to verbalize them in order to receive them.

The next step is to be direct with others and develop a healthy habit of communication.

Assertiveness is often seen as a negative trait; however, being assertive means confidently and firmly telling others your boundaries and communicating with them what you expect, which is respect. Each of us deserve to be respected, unfortunately, people do to you what you allow them to do and every time you allow someone to cross your boundary, you are saying that you do not respect nor love yourself. Once you begin to enforce boundaries, you are now saying, I am important enough to ask for and receive the things that I want. You have to be able to communicate those things to your spouse as well. 

The third one is to give yourself permission.

Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls. We might feel the other person‘s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty about speaking up or saying NO to a family member. You may believe you should be able to cope with the situation or say yes because you are a good daughter, even though you feel drained or taken advantage of. 

Does this sound familiar? 

You may even wonder if you deserve to have boundaries in the first place. The answer here is yes! Boundaries are not just a sound of a healthy relationship, they are a sound of self respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them. Again, this happens by communicating your thoughts with one another in all of your relationships. Give yourself permission to speak up; to ask for what you need; so you can gain the respect you deserve from others including your partner. By doing this you will feel honored, loved and appreciated as well as if you matter. 

I remember when I gave myself permission to start speaking up, to start asking for the very things I need in my own relationship. The feeling was awesome. To be able to speak freely and ask for the things I want and then to receive them, was a wonderful feeling. This can be in the form of receiving something tangible or intangible, such as respect. You too, can ask for the things that make you feel good about yourself and the relationship that you are in.

How is your communication with your partner? Have you established and kept your boundaries? How could a new way of communicating with your partner change the trajectory of your relationship?

Need help with boundary setting, communication and staying connected to your partner? Let’s talk during a free 30 minute coaching conversation. My mission is to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one coaching conversation at a time. Are you ready to join the mission?

I look forward to speaking with you.

Marshaun Olaniyan 

Life & Relationship Strategist www.marshauno.com

Silencing Your Critical Inner Voice

What is your critical inner voice? Your critical invoice is defined as a well-integrated pattern of negative thoughts toward oneself and others that is at the root of an individual’s maladaptive behavior. It tends to foster inwardness, distress, self criticism, self denial and limitation, addiction, and a generalized retreat from one’s goal directed activity. What all of this means is that your critical inner voice is all of the negative thoughts you think about yourself and what was told to you that is now rooted in your behavior and how it is showing up.

Identifying What Your Critical Inner Voice is Telling You

Your critical inner voice reveals itself in those little every day thoughts that flit through your consciousness. They zing and are gone before you even are fully aware of them. These thoughts are part of a menacing internal dialogue and a harsh and judgemental way that you talk to yourself.

Though sometimes hard to pinpoint, the inner voice is often experienced as a running commentary that attacks and criticizes your actions and interactions in everyday life. Unfortunately, this destructive thought process influences you to make decisions that are against your best interest and to take actions that negatively impact your life. In order to challenge this internal enemy, you must be able to identify your critical inner voice. Once you have become aware of its negative guidance, you can make a conscious effort to not act on its destructive advice.

Your critical inner voice is not your conscience. It has a more degrading and punishing quality to it. It is a demeaning tone that tends to increase your feelings of self hatred towards yourself instead of motivating you to change undesirable actions in a constructive manner.

You must separate your critical inner voice from the thoughts and feelings that represent your own point of you. It is usually difficult to distinguish the two because they are experienced in the first person point of view. However, you can access this alien point of you by putting it in second person. To do this, take your self attacks from the first person (I statements) and put them into the second person (You statements). Doing this reveals the hostile nature of its internal enemy. It makes distinctions between the negative view of yourself and a more realistic view and makes you aware of other negative thoughts that you may not have been conscious of before. By doing the simple exercise you will be able to access the feelings that often underlie these self attacks, allowing you to have a more compassionate view of yourself.

Finally, you must recognize what triggers your critical inner voice. When you find yourself slipping into a bad mood or becoming upset, think about what happened to change your mental state. The fact that you went from feeling optimistic or relaxed to feeling down or irritable, may be a sign that your voice has been activated. Think about what is triggering your critical inner voice. Try to separate your critical inner voice from the thoughts and feelings that represent your own point of you. These thoughts and feelings may have come from the point of your parents or guardians and what they instilled within you. These voices usually told you who you are, how to act and what to say. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just be aware of who’s voice is actually within your head.

Have you examined whose voice is in your head? Who instilled the negativity within your head? Whose voice do you usually hear that you have taken on as if it is your own voice that speaks negatively towards you? How are you relinquishing this negative critical inner voice?

To find out how to relinquish this critical inner voice, sign up for a free 30 minute coaching conversation.

My name is Marshaun Olaniyan. I am a Life & Relationship Strategist and I help Christian women that are married or in long-term relationships to stop feeling disconnected and unloved and shift you to feeling heard, understood and appreciated. My mission is to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one coaching conversation at a time. I look forward to speaking with you if you are ready and you have stated enough is enough. Click the link to schedule your free 30 minute coaching conversation. 

Sincerely,

Marshaun Olaniyan 

Life & Relationship Strategist www.marshauno.com

Facing Your Fears

Fear and anxiety are like kidnappers that hold you captive, holding you back from the full, free life you could be living. The stranglehold on your life will typically get worse over time, if left unchecked.

Talking about what scares you is important for people to make rational statements about how they really are, how other people really are, and what is true about his or her social world. Talking about your fears often shrink them down to a size you can deal with. 

Here are a few things that will occur due to you deciding to open up and speak about your fears:

1.You overcome the challenge quicker and it gives you courage when you talk about what scares you. 

Your courage grows with each fear you face. Researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles found that people could overcome their fears by labeling and talking about them rather than trying to ignore them. Also the words, positive or negative, have an effect on how much closer you get near facing the fear the next time around.

Have you ever noticed when you are scared of something, snakes, for example. If you hear the word snake it makes your body cringe. Now, think about your reaction if you were to get near the snake. The more you verbalize how you are going to be bitten by the snake the higher the likelihood that this will occur. However, there is a trainer there so you will be safe. It’s a protected environment or there is nothing to be afraid of. The closer you actually get to the snake, you will see that your fear and anxiety will decrease. Your body will begin to relax because you are finding the courage to verbalize your fears and even begin to face your fears all while moving closer to the snake. 

2.It shows up in other ways such as monitoring, you stop speaking up, you withdraw and often get angry.

When you stop talking about your fears, they can show up in the way of you monitoring or you stop speaking up. You may even decide that withdrawing is a better solution or just getting angry out of nowhere and for no reason at all. When this happens one or both people feel stuck. The more you feel stuck, the more disconnected and hopeless you feel about the relationship and about the other person.

Have you ever noticed that whenever you feel scared and you stop verbalizing it in your relationship you have a tendency to create a story that matches up? Your viewpoint makes the most sense in the story which best suits the way you are feeling because you did not express yourself. This happens when you do not verbalize the things that are bothering you. You start to internalize them. This is also when you create your story about what must be happening, whether it is true or not. For example, you start to think of reasons why he did not answer the phone. Your first thoughts may be, he must be out there cheating. Instead of you bringing up your fear, talking it out with your spouse, you allow this to fester and the next time he doesn’t answer the phone, the more you believe and confirm your story that he must be cheating. 

When you do this, you start to make this scenario bigger than it actually is and before you know it, because your mind has created the story and you have fixated on it for sometime, it becomes true to you. By the time you express yourself, it is an explosion cast in the form of yelling and screaming at your partner all because of your assumption of why he is not answering your call. This is all fear-based! There are usually no facts to back up this way of thinking. You must be willing to be vulnerable and speak up so these things will not build up and wear you down because if you continue to hold onto these things this will plague your relationship.

3. Fear helps you decide what’s real.

When you take the time to define your fears, you learn to separate fact from fiction. This is an important distinction. Some things you are afraid of will be valid, but many will be mental worst case scenarios that have simply spiraled further in your mind than they ever will or would in reality. Which was exactly the case in the previous example. So, do not do this to yourself. Do not allow your fears to creep in and stay there because you are too scared to talk about them. You have to face your fears. You have to speak about them with your spouse so they can have the opportunity to set the record straight regarding your fears and what you assumed was taking place versus what was actually occurring.

How is fear showing up in your relationship? How are you facing your fears? What conversations are you having with your spouse regarding facing your fears and he is or her fears as well?

I am Marshaun Olaniyan and my mission is to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one coaching conversation at a time. If you need help with facing your fears or discovering who you are or showing up and being better within your relationship, please reach out. Let’s set up a free 30 minute coaching conversation so I can help you get from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow and beyond. Click the link so we can help you on the road to becoming a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

www.marshauno.com