SEX! Sex is a subject that many are embarrassed to speak about in public. It is also the topic of discussion amongst men when in groups and amongst women when they get into groups of 2 or more as well. Not much sex gets discussed between the sexes it seems. According to a Penn State study women talk about sex-related topics more frequently with their best friend than men do with the exception of masturbation. It would behoove each of us to spend the uncomfortable time talking to our partner’s about what our sexual needs are so we can experience more enjoyable sex together and take it from theory to application and then bliss 🙂
Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite life and relationship strategist. I help women who are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved to feeling appreciated and understood all while creating the intimacy she deserves.
Let’s address why having more sex is to the advantage of you and your partner, as well as the relationship overall.
1. Sex rewires you for pleasure.
There are times we get out of having sex because we let the world take over us. We let life take over us. We let our children take over us. We let our schedules take over us. We let our careers take over us and sex has a tendency to take a back seat. Because we live in such a fast paced society, no one wants to feel left behind when it comes to their ideas of what success is. Sex helps you refocus on the things that matter, such as your family. The more you indulge in it, the more pleasure you bring into your life and into your relationship.
2. Sex can bring the passion back in your relationship.
Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. Lots of times the passion in our relationship goes away. This is usually due to our busy lives. We get into our work routines and we are not thinking of new ways to bring fun, to erase boredom or the stress from our lives. All the different ways to keep it fresh, new, sexy and continue to feel wanted by your spouse need to be spruced back up. We have to put our focus back into our love lives to bring the passion back so we never lose it. Three ways to do this is to add more excitement, sensual touch and intimacy.
3. Women with a higher sense of smell have better sex.
According to a study conducted by German Researchers in the Archives of Sexual Behavior women with a better sense of smell reported a higher frequency of orgasms during sexual intercourse which equates to about 60 percent of women. Women with less sensitive noses reported having orgasms only 17 percent of the time during sexual intercourse.
4. Sex can help you lose weight.
We know that exercise keeps us healthy but should we add sex to this regimen on purpose? The more rigorous your sexual activities, the more calories you burn. This equates to about 250 calories per rigorous sexual encounter. Having rigorous sex can be your new form of exercise. One study added having sex to the moderate-intensity exercise category which is where you want to be in order to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle.
5. Having more sex decreases the effects and the feelings of depression.
Depression weighs us down. When it is weighing on you it is also weighing on your partner. Depression is the top disability in the U.S. for people ages 15-44. However, there are many aspects of sex that can help to buffer depression’s side effects. One study found that depressed women who are exposed to semen had increased moods. The act of sex for men increased thier moods as well.
6. Sex decreases prostate cancer in men.
How does having sex do this? Sex decreases the blockages in men’s tubes by regularly engaging in it. About 50 percent of men, no matter age, race, ethnicity are going to get prostate cancer. A way to ward that off and not be a part of the 50 percent is to continue to have more and more sex.
7. Sex helps women with PMS pain.
Not every woman feels the effects of PMS but there are certain symptoms and signs that occur while on your cycle and PMS is one of them. A few other benefits of having sex with on your period are it can shorten your cycle, less need for lube and it heightens intimacy.
The more you talk about sex and the things you like outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside the bedroom. If you need to give your partner some instructions so your sex life can be better, the best time to address this is outside of the bedroom where there is no pressure to perform. This also enhances the chances that you both feel as though you received what you needed. So, the more you speak about sex outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside of the bedroom. You can say something like. . . ‘I really love when you rub on my. . .’, ‘I really love it when you touch me. . .”, ‘Touch me here next time I really loved that.’ Letting your partner in on what you like, need and want inside the bedroom will increase your chances of them pleasing you once you two get back inside the sheets.
Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship and having better sex.
Marshaun Olaniyan here. Your favourite Life & Relationship Strategist. I help women that are married or in long term relationships, stop feeling disconnected and unloved and shift them to feeling appreciated, heard and understood.
Marriage. Why does marriage seem so hard to master?
Going from being single to being married is usually not a smooth transition.
There are plenty of reasons why this seems to be the case! I will address the major ones I see and hear from my clients.
So many people have the misconception that things they are dealing with while in the relationship before they get married, those things will just go away once they get married. NEWS FLASH! They do not. They get even more irritating. They may even annoy you to the point where you decide to pick unnecessary fights. It is really not that thing that is annoying you. It is something else that you have allowed to sit inside of you and fester.
Now, because this thing is festering it will show up in different ways, such as you saying something mean, rude, or nasty to your spouse. Or you keep sweeping that original thing under the rug and now you are ready to blow a gasket. This all happens when you allow things to fester in your heart instead of addressing them with your spouse as they show up. This is why that cliche, communication is key, is used. It is the truth. I always talk about communication. I always talk about doing the things you would not normally do, .i.e. have the tough conversations. When you have those tough conversations you are not constantly sweeping these things under the rug.
You have to address these things and say,
“You know what, babe? I was thinking how I’m sick and tired of being in a relationship like this. What can we do to improve this relationship? Does that mean we sit down and deal with one thing each week? Do we need to get outside help? What do we need to do? I would love to hear your thoughts.”
Most people do not take this approach. They allow things to build up to the point of no return or have dug a very deep hole they cannot climb out of. So, their marriage is not a walk in the park.
However, what if it could be a walk in the park?
What if there was a way to anticipate the areas that need to be worked on before you got married? Would you take heed to them and make sure they are not issues after you said I Do? Let’s talk about the things that you need to do and the reasons why marriage is not a walk in the park.
We are not prepared for marriage.
Most of us prepare for the wedding. Most of us prepare for just being in a relationship. Many people do not seek help prior to being married, especially if everything is going well. We do not think we need the help. However, coaching, counselling or therapists have either been there or can tell you from experience what keeps coming up.
You have to remember you are two different people coming together from two different environments, two different backgrounds and two different sets of behaviours and habits. You two did not grow up in the same household and because you more than likely did not grow up in the same community, you both do things differently. You are not as prepared as you thought you were when it was time to say I do.
How many obstacles have you guys gone through? They do not have to be huge obstacles. What obstacles have you two faced together where you sat down and hashed out why and figured out a way for this topic to never surface again? How many times have you two asked one another, how can we fix this?
The more you do this before you get married, the better you will be when you are married. The happier you will continue to be once you do say I do. Prepare for marriage. Prepare yourself for the things that your partner currently does.
For instance, if your partner does not listen, this trait will still be there once you say I do. Or, maybe your partner does not clean up after himself. Maybe he comes into the house and takes off his clothes and throws them everywhere. Anything that annoys you now, will annoy you even more when you two are married. Most people are not prepared for the challenges that marriage takes you through. Most are not prepared for the breaking down of oneself.
What do I mean by breaking down of oneself? For you both to be broken down. For you both to be stripped of your individuality. For you two to be able to come together as one. For you both to know deep down in your soul, that you actually need each other in order to build a successful happy relationship. It cannot be one sided. It has to be both of you. Until you both realize this, agree to it and start acting as if your life depends on it, the survival of your relationship is not going to last.
The breaking down of oneself to become one is extremely challenging and many couples do not make it past this stage. The breaking down and the stripping of it being just yourself. You being selfish. You being scared, having trust issues and all of the other stuff you hold onto. All this stuff you have right now is going to continue to surface in the marriage because you are not as prepared as you think you are.
Only one spouse wants to work on things.
This type of marriage can only last so long before most people will give up. Most can only give it their all for so long before throwing in the towel, especially if this keeps happening to one person over and over again with very little to no change. At some point your spouse is going to be exhausted and feel like why am I even here. I can do all of this stuff by myself. She is not giving me anything to hope for. Why am I wearing myself out for this relationship?
I had a previous client reach out to me and say that she is in a similar situation. She is always the one doing the work of trying to make the relationship better. Her husband continues to say one thing, but his actions never match up to what his words express. She expressed to me that she talked to her husband about a divorce. Now this is after a decade. In the Bible it talks about women experiencing long suffering. We can long suffer for a while. A decade is a long time, but it also states that the long suffering will not last forever.
As much as I do not like the fact that she wants to walk away and give up. I also do not like the fact that her husband’s words and actions never ever match up. What he promises to fix is always overshadowed by an excuse. So, how much time does she need to stay there and give to him? This is going to be different for each person. But why even let it get this far? Have you examined if you have tried everything before giving up?
You have no idea how hard it is to become one.
I mentioned this earlier about the stripping down of your individuality and coming together as one. This is a very tough one. This will be one of the rockiest times in your relationship and it usually happens in the first few years of your marriage. This must occur in order to build a healthy relationship. For example, if you are selfish, you will have a really hard time adjusting to becoming one with your spouse. You need to start working on that now, especially if you want to be the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships. If you are selfish it is going to show up in your relationship. And it is going to show up in more places than you realize. There will be so many unnecessary fights because of you being selfish. How can you help curve this learning curve of becoming one with your spouse? What will you intentionally improve on before saying I Do?
You believe it takes both of you to turn things around.
Now, I know that I just mentioned that my previous client is literally about to file for divorce. Prior to marriage, when they were boyfriend and girlfriend, it was great. Without going into her backstory, it was an awesome relationship and then something changed and shifted their entire world together. The life changing event happened to her husband and he never recovered.
As long as one of you is determined to recreate a new relationship, continue to do the right things for your spouse and not give up when your spouse is being rude then you have a fighting chance to turn things around. The more you give without expecting your spouse to return the favor to you, you will be rewarded and blessed. Sometimes you have to depend on your faith and prayer. Prayer will change things around for good.
You think everything is going to be 50/50 in the relationship.
Listen do not fool yourself. You have to be 100 percent in the beginning of the relationship. Your spouse has to be a 100 percent in the beginning of the relationship. When you two are in the relationship, sometimes it is going to be 60/40. Sometimes it will be 80/20. Sometimes it could be 90/10. This usually depends on the stage you two are in. This depends on what your partner and yourself are able to give.
For example, maybe you do not have the pressure and stress from work or the children. In this case, maybe you are the one that has to give the 80 percent and your partner can only contribute that 20 percent. Yes, you are supposed to make your spouse a top priority. However, it will not always be this way because having a 50/50 relationship all the time is a fallacy. More often than not you want things to be equal but those peaks and valleys in the relationship can make this challenging at times.
During those peaks and valleys it might be equal. At other times it will not be equal. The question is will you stand the test of time or are you going to sit around complaining? Are you going to sit around saying mean things about your spouse? Are you going to go and report how horrible your spouse is to your friends or family? Will you complain how horrible the marriage is? Or are you going to say, you know what, this is where we are at today. This is just a phase we are in at this time in our lives. And anytime I have the time to spend with my husband, I am going to be as present as I can be in those few precious moments.
Remind yourself that you are sacrificing your creature comforts for a short period of time. Will you commit to that? This goes back to the challenges that are going to surface in your relationship? The thing is you never know what challenges are that are around the corner in your relationship.
For example, you both were two healthy whole individuals when you first met. Then a freak accident happened and now you find yourself facing the decision to stay or to go. You start asking yourself, “Is this person really worth staying around for?” or “How will our lives change after this?” or “Will I be able to handle this new life and accept it as it comes?”
There will be some challenges in your marriage. The question will be, will you two make it our on the other side together or a part?
People keep divorce in the back pocket and use it when they want to give up as an easy way out.
When times get rough and rocky in the marriage many people are ready to throw in the towel and just walk away. They believe this is the way to get back to their happy place and stop being sad, angry or not getting what they want from their spouse. They use divorce as a weapon which means it was an option even before they married.
Whenever you make your spouse feel like it is not a stable relationship. You are now walking on sinking sand. You are breaking down the foundation you worked so hard to build. You are essentially saying you are one foot in and one foot out the door. If things stay this hard then you are gone for good. And any time your spouse makes you angry, you will make it known that you want a divorce. Or maybe you leave the house and actually go and file for divorce just to prove your point.
Take the option of divorce off the table. Slow down. Remain patient. Get to the root of why your spouse lashes out the way they do. Remember this is really a cry for help and they do not know where to start to climb out of the hole you two are in. Remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the beginning of the relationship. Stop looking for the easy way out. Anytime you have options, you are not fully committed to any one of them.
You do not slow down and see your spouse’s point of view.
Some of this is you being selfish. Some of this is you not being aware of what you are doing. And, then, some of it is you just not caring.You are so focused on you getting what you want in the moment. This is the moment you want it to be done, as if it is an emergency. Yes, it could be an emergency, however, your emergency is not necessarily your spouse’s emergency.
Instead of giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt you make their life a miserable hell for the moment and even beyond. You remain pissed off at the world punishing everyone in your path. You never took the time to see or ask what was going on in their world or if this was a good time to take care of the thing you wanted done. You stay stuck in those feelings and you believe your spouse was being inconsiderate and did not take your point of view into consideration. Nevertheless, the flip side of that is that you also did not take your spouse’s point of view into consideration. You did not step outside of the situation and ask some qualifying questions to see if it was really about you? Or if it was about something else?
It simply may have just slipped their mind. It was not anything you needed to take personal. This was an unnecessary fight that occurred. Slow down and see things from your spouse’s point of view. Do not always make it about yourself.
It throws out your security.
Trust brings about security. Security comes in the form of feeling safe. The safety comes from your finances, thinking about your spouse before you think about yourself, not making a decision without speaking to your spouse and thinking about how it is going to affect your family. It shifts and shakes your security, especially when we have not dealt with our baggage.
You are disillusioned about your real spouse.
Before saying I do, there was an illusion that the person you chose to be your life partner is going to be perfect. You believe they will never make you upset. You believe they will never disappoint you and never make you feel like crap. This happens at times. Not necessarily on purpose but it definitely does happen. You will be disappointed. You will have to look at your spouse differently and face who is standing in front of you versus who you would like to be standing in front of you. Believing your spouse was one person or acted a certain way only to find out and see who they really are can be shocking and a bit disappointing. However, you have to be realistic and know that the honeymoon stage can only last so long. Now you are faced with believing who your spouse is or stay suffering with whom you wish they were. The choice is yours. What will you choose to do and how you will see your spouse from now on?
If you want to start down the road of creating your marriage and building it stronger before and even after you say Ido but have no clue what steps you should take or you simply do not see how you can start to turn things around in your relationship then send me a message at firstname.lastname@example.org or schedule your Life Changing Strategic coaching call today!
Do not forget to check out the Relationship Resource Library to find many more secrets to creating an enriching love life with your spouse. Download yours today!
I recently put a post on Facebook that said, when you shut down and keep the distance between the two of you, this is the first sign that a breakup is about to occur. Someone then sent me a message asking, what if he shut down first? Should I continue to try to speak to him or what?
My response to her was asking a lot of questions because I wanted her and you to think about your relationship; to think about your marriage; to think about your partnership and what you really want it to be and look like in the future not just for this moment. Answer the following questions:
Is it more important to keep the distance than it is to create the relationship that you dream about having? Such as creating those intimate moments. Creating laughter. Allowing your children to experience and see you two being in a healthy relationship. And believing you can have a healthy relationship.
What are you willing to do differently in order to come up with different results? You can continue to keep the distance. You can continue to let your pride and ego get in the way and not speak to your spouse or say things like, “I’ve tried speaking to him and he is not speaking to me so when he gets ready then we can talk.” Well, what if he is stubborn enough to stay quiet for months or for years? I am sure some of you reading this are saying that will not happen, but trust me it does happen. I coach my clients who are going through this where both of them are being silent towards one another. Now months have gone by and some times a year has gone by with no conversing, no sex, nothing but distance, the slow death of the relationship and the love withering away. The more distance you allow into your relationship, the harder it is for you two to speak to one another. The harder it is for you two to come back together. The longer you allow the distance to fester in your relationship, to stay there in that toxic environment, you both are being emotionally abusive to one another. Then, you wonder why you two are living two different lives. Can you guys come back together? Absolutely, but it is tougher.
Is the relationship worth saving? Do you two have more good times then bad times? Do you feel much better when you two are on good terms and speaking or are you happier and elated when you two are silent and you do not have to be bothered with them? Are you happier when they are around or often feel you would rather be somewhere, anywhere far away from your partner?
Is he worth you relenting to and once again going to try to break this silence? Really ask yourself is he worth relenting to. Is he worth you breaking the silence and getting your relationship back on track.
Is it worth you two NOT becoming distant memories of one another? When one of you is not trying to mend the relationship, this is a bad sign. When your emotional needs are not being met you will at some point get that emotional connection outside the relationship. That is just the reality of the situation. We all need that connection. As innocent as most cheating happens, it usually comes from the need for the emotional attachment one party is missing inside the relationship. So, as long as you both are allowing this distance to stay there, at some point one or both of you will have a weak moment and the distance could stay there forever, leading to a divorce or a breakup because both of you are being so stubborn in your current relationship when all you both had to do is speak to each other. I know it is a cliche but communication is key. It is. You have to open up. You have to share. You have to stop being stubborn for the sake of your family, for the sake of your children and breaking generational curses.
Is it worth stopping your pride and ego from driving this bus? Will you say enough is enough and be willing to exhibit the strength to go stand there, literally, until your spouse is ready to talk. Then stare at him. If enough time passes your spouse will look at you and start to utter a word or two. When this happens you have to be ready to address the reason(s) why you two are in this current situation. Finding out the Why is critical to everything getting back on track. This may take asking several questions before getting to the root of the why.
After you have answered all of the following questions and your answer is, yes, my spouse is worth it and this silence and distance needs to stop today, then you need to go to your spouse. When people know they are doing wrong then they cannot look you in the eye. If you are bold enough to stand your ground while starring your spouse in the eyes, at some point they will look at you. You have to be willing to be there for as long as it takes because you have decided that he, the family and the relationship are both worth saving.
Is there some way we can handle this part of the relationship better?
The thing is, arguing is inevitable in every relationship.
According to Dr. John Gottman, his research has shown that arguing and specifically the way you and your spouse argue determines the outcome of your marriage. The way you two argue will tell if your relationship will stand the test of time or succumb to the inevitable statistics and end in divorce.
I want to give you the secrets that are working in my life. The secret is, it is not what you say so much as how you say what you are bringing to the forefront of the relationship. Being able to fully express yourself in a tone that does not convey arger, frustration or fatigue means your spouse can hear you and what you are saying versus feeling as though they are being attacked. This is a learned practice. One that has helped my marriage tremendously.
Are we 100% perfect? No, we are not perfect. However, we do not argue in the transitional sense. We do not call each other out of our names and there never are any threats of bodily harm or punching walls, or anything of that nature. We have a really great relationship in that aspect.
But are there disagreements? Yes.
Does he get on my nerves? Yes.
Do I get on his nerves? Yes.
We definitely have our disagreements in the moments where we have to basically take a step away, go back to the drawing board and be able to still say what we need to say respectfully.
So, how do you two stop arguing? Here are 10 of my best practices that I have learn to implement and are still working for me today:
Change the way that you are showing up.
Yes, this is something you have to internalize and be intentional about doing. Arguments are no different. Being intentional about the way you are showing up will change the dynamics of how you deliver your message. It changes the dynamics of how your spouse receives the message.
If you are showing up differently, guess what? Your spouse will show up differently. You have to be the initiator and decide if you are going to handle this differently. You have control only over yourself. You do not have control over how he reacts. You do not have control about what he says or does, you only have control over you. Remember, no matter what he does; no matter how he shows up, you are going to be intentional and show up differently.
These are the things you need to reinforce to yourself before another argument happens because the thing is. . . A test will happen when you are arguing. When the argument is staring you in the face, that is when the test will occur. You need to start practicing before an argument happens in your romantic relationship. You can also take this into every relationship in your life so you change how you are showing up in all your relationships. When you do this your world changes, the people around you change and the people you attract will have a higher awareness level.
Stop engaging in the argument.
In the heat of the moment, it is really hard to hold your tongue, especially if this is not a practice for you. It is all about being intentional. It is all about showing up and being better. All of that happens through practice. Do not engage in the argument no matter how much you want to give it to him. Do not engage!
You have to be the one to spot things. Another secret is, when you change your spouse will follow suit. Most people do not realize they are all over the place. If they are the one who is arguing, fussing, and fighting, their partner will do the same thing. Why would it be any different when you start showing up differently in this way? If you do not engage, guess what? Secret number two, the argument can be no more, because who is going to argue with themselves?
If you become quiet and look at your spouse or walk out of the room and leave the house, the argument is over, at least for the moment. When your partner realizes that you are no longer engaging, they have no choice but to do something different and the argument has stopped.
Hold your tongue for the moment until you can figure out what it is that you want to convey in a respectful manner.
Holding your tongue prevents a lot of mean things from slipping out in the moment just to hurt your partner. There are a lot of mean things you can say to hit below the belt. Do not forget, your spouse, like yourself, can be mean, evil, devilish and can react in the same manner.
Your tongue can do damage or it can add greatness. So, why continue to damage the person you say you love? Why continue to damage the person you are sharing a bed with? Why continue to damage the person you are having sex with? None of these work in the long run.
Ask some clarifying questions.
For instance, you were being blamed for something as simple as the TV volume being too loud. You turned down the volume, but it was not low enough for your spouse’s approval. Instead of engaging with them. Ask the question, is the TV still too loud? I am asking because I did decrease the volume. Would you like for me to lower the volume even more? Or maybe your spouse is pissed off because they cannot find their keys. Your spouse never takes responsibility for where he left his keys and constantly blames you for moving them.
He says, “You always do this. You always move my keys and I can never find them.” Instead of you going back and forth with your spouse, simply say, “Hey, the last time you had your keys was when you were in the bathroom? Have you checked there? The point is to decide not to engage in an ugly argument that will ruin your day or your mood. Instead, shift the conversation to make your partner stop and think so your spouse can take all of that negativity off of you and shift to somewhere else.
No low blows or name calling.
Mean words can hurt something terrible. Did you know that you have to say seven positive things to kill one negative thing? Imagine all of the negativity that goes into arguing. Each time you two argue, you have to have seven positive interactions in order to wipe the slate clean. So, if you are arguing 2, 3, 5 times a week, multiply that by seven. Now you have to have up to 35 positive interactions to erase those five bad experiences. Why do that to yourself when you can just show up differently? Do not name call. Do not blame. Do not engage.
Pause before you react.
Pause so you can think about what you want to say. You can also step back and watch your partner or maybe you need to look for an exit. But I want you to really pause and change your strategy because arguing, fussing and fighting. This is not serving you. It is not working for you. And your relationship no longer feels healthy.
Reacting to fast will draw you two apart from one another. The distance builds up in your relationship, due to you both not knowing how to communicate effectively. Holding your tongue and pausing to figure out what it is you would like to convey will ease the tension. You will also have a chance to create more positive moments in your relationship.
Talk to each other, not at each other.
Don’t you hate when you are talking to someone, and they are talking at you, like you are a child or like you are somebody stupid? Most people have a tendency to do this in their relationship as well. Make it a point to speak to your partner like they are intelligent and are capable of understanding the words that are coming out your mouth.
Anytime someone is questioning your intelligence an issue or problem shows up. That is where the backlash comes from and the sharp tongue. Noone likes to be looked down upon nor feel like they are looked at a being stupid.
Strengthen your tolerance for the things that push your buttons.
These are your triggers. Using all the tips that I mentioned earlier, you will be able to strengthen these areas whenever those triggers occur. You will be able to intentionally slow down. Maybe you started to hold your tongue and then you just could not take another minute of being accused of something you did not do. . . you did just a bit better than you usually do. That’s progress!
Do not beat yourself up for the progress because if you have been doing a specific habit or behaviour for a long period of time, and in some cases, years, even decades, it is going to take you a long time to break that habit or behavior. But if you notice, each time you now get into an argument, you do better, that is progress. Remind yourself that there is still room for growth but congratulate yourself. The next time, hold your tongue longer. Think about what goal you will try to attain next, such as, refusing to say anything that results in engaging in the argument.
Remember, you are not perfect and will mess things up from time to time. It took me years to get this together. Continue to be aware of the way you are showing up and how you are reacting. Once again, the name of the game is progress. Practice getting better, so you can be better, and your relationship can get better.
Doing this on a consistent basis will have you wanting to see your spouse versus thinking “Damn, I have to see them again.” or “Damn, why is he texting?” or “Damn, why is he calling?” These are healthy ways to actually improve your relationship more than you realize.
Change what you are avoiding.
Lots of times when we get into arguments, they are usually over stupid things. A way to counteract this is to change what you are avoiding. Such as those tough conversations. Stop avoiding them and have the talk. This ensures you are not building up resentment and frustration. You both can figure out what the deeper issue is that is plaguing your relationship. For example, you continue to scream at your spouse when he wants to hang with the boys. Deep down inside, it is not about him hanging out with the boys. It is more about the fact that when he leaves for hours and hours you feel lonely, not good enough nor sexy enough like he once made you feel when you two first started dating. You miss those butterflies in your stomach and you want those feelings back.
Get to the deeper issues of why you feel a certain way regarding a particular subject and peel back that onion until you reach the core of the issues instead of focusing on the superficial reasons.
Make a list of all of the major fights you two keep having and then one by one start talking about those issues.
Discuss the things that hurt you. Have those tough conversations. Stop sweeping things under the rug and allowing them to fester. Create this list and then share it with your spouse. This is the only way you are going to move towards a healthier relationship. You have to address the hard topics. You two have to discuss things that have been festering. The things you know would smooth things out in your relationship and take a huge weight out of your lives for good. Once you start knocking constant subjects you two argue about off your list, you will see how much more fun it is to be in your relationship. You will notice how much better your attitude is toward your spouse. You will be happier to be in their company. You can even enjoy some of the honeymoon stage again.
I share my 10 secrets with you because I know that they are going to change your relationship around. You will get the results you want, which is for your partner to shift and change into a better person.
Hey family! Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite Life and Relationship Strategist. I help women that are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved to feeling heard and understood all while creating the intimacy she deserves.
I want to talk about something that I hear couples complaining a lot about, the passion in their relationship and how it was once there but not anymore. They believe the fire has almost burnt out. I want to talk about how to keep the passion burning hot in your relationship. I am going to give you three tips. This is something that we all want. We all want the passion to keep burning. We really want the honeymoon stage to last forever, even though research has shown that this honeymoon stage absolutely fades away anywhere between 3 months to 3 years. It is different for each couple but it rings true that at some point this honeymoon stage will be over. Armed with this knowledge you can reverse the effects and keep the passion in your relationship.
The first way to keep the fire burning hot is for you and your spouse to continuously create fun moments for and with one another. Create fun moments where you guys are laughing and joking. It is the new experiences, the old experiences and continuously doing the things you know will bring a smile to your spouse’s face that keeps the passion burning hot. These will be the moments you two will look back on and say, “Do you remember when X happened?” You will even pass along stories like these to your children, your grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. They can learn how you kept the passion burning hot in your relationship and in your marriage and be able to take the same tools and use them for themselves.
Have you seen the more seasoned couples throughout your day still holding hands? They are walking in the park. You can see them being playful with each other. Some are still displaying PDA, public displays of affection. This is so beautiful and cute to me. Would you like to be a part of that small group as well? One reason why these couples are able to have PDA is because they keep it fun with one another no matter their age. Yes, life gets in the way and we all get bogged down with things, but you have to be intentional about creating the things you want in your relationship, specifically, today. You both have to be intentional about creating the passion and continuously create fun moments.
You really want to create as many beautiful moments as you can. The moments where you both are happy; where you both are having fun experiencing that thing. For example, this could be exploring your city and doing something new. This could mean exploring and doing old things you know you had fun doing, but you have not done them in a while. Revisit those things and do them once again.
The second thing that you want to do in order to keep the passion hot in your relationship and in your marriage is to continuously touch each other. Sex is a part of this touching but it is not the only thing you want to pay attention to and do. You do not want to be selfish and only touch your partner when it is time to have sex or only when you are in the mood. You want to continuously touch your partner, especially if this is your spouse’s love language. Even if it is not, physical touch is a way for your spouse to feel connected to you literally and figuratively, but also for them to know that you want them in that way. Again, the sexual way, but still just the hugging, the kissing, the deep kisses, the cuddling or the massages.
Touching can actually be in the form of a text. It can be in the form of FaceTime or Skype. This helps your spouse know that you are still on his mind. If you cannot do this, then you still want to be able to stay connected by touching them in some way, maybe a text or an email. These small consistent acts are going to keep the passion burning. It will keep the anticipation up of you both being with one another again. You will wonder, when is the next time I get to see my baby? When is the next time I will be able to hold my baby? By keeping these touching moments consistent throughout the day or throughout the week you both are hot and heavy and ready for sex to occur. But, also just to spend time touching and physically being close with your partner.
The third way to keep the passion burning really, really hot in your relationship is to compliment each other every day. Again, I know we can let life get in the way, but we must be intentional about these things because knowledge is power but applied knowledge is so much better. You are going to get so much more out of your relationship with being intentional. Being intentional is going to make you more conscious and aware of how you are not only showing up but how you are being when your spouse.
What is the conversation like?
Are you having a lot more fun?
Are you touching more?
Being intentional is keeping you more aware. It is bringing your consciousness level to a higher state on purpose and allowing you to gravitate towards being a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships. These couples are very intentional about all of the things they do in their relationship.
Show up intentionally and compliment your spouse daily. Send your compliment in the form of a text, if you forget to do this in person. Leave a little note in the morning before he leaves. Allow him to find it in his lunch box or some place else. Be intentional about showing up and you will definitely keep the passion burning hot in your marriage.
Will your fire ever go out?
Yes, it probably will go out but you can rekindle it really, really fast and you can see that flame spark up without any added effort. If you do a little bit of work each and every day, you will not have to worry about your flames dying down. Just like you gave so much into our career choices, to getting the degrees and to getting whatever it is you want out of life, you have to be the same way with getting what you want out of your relationship and your marriage. The only way to do that is to be intentional. Being intentional means that you have to show up and take the action. The action in this case is having fun. The action is the daily touches. The action is giving the compliment.
Which one will you commit to doing?
It might feel a little awkward in the beginning. It might be a little challenging as well, but I want you to get better in your relationship and better in your marriage. So we can collectively decrease that divorce rate and simultaneously increase the marriage rate.
If you need any further help visit my website at www.marshauno.com or book your FREE Life Changing Coaching Session with me by visiting my calendly link.
Hey family! Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite Life and Relationship Strategist. You keep coming back to Marshaun O because you want to be a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships.
Don’t you wish your man could read your mind when it comes to the things you want from him and out of your relationship?
This is why he may want to go for a drive after a long talk or remain silent or go hang with the boys. This is also why he hates to hear the phrase Let’s Talk.
There are 3 reasons why men hate to hear, let’s talk. The first thing he is going to do is get very defensive because he is wondering what he did wrong, how he failed you or how he let you down. No man wants to think about how he failed his woman or how he let you down. So he is going to get very defensive. He hates hearing the words let’s talk. He hates it. I mean he hates it with a strong passion and starts to go down the list of questions,
What did I do wrong?
How did I fail her now?
What else is it?
He thinks about all of those things. So it is his defense mechanism that is popping up in this very moment.
The second reason why men hate to hear the phrase let’s talk is because he is wondering how long will the talk be? He knows you are going to tell him all the stuff he messed up or did wrong. He does not want to deal with this today or any day. He has enough on his plate and this is just another thing he has to think about. Again, going back to, how did I not be the man that I said I was going to be? Not only is the talk going to be long he is also thinking about his failures.
Not only is he becoming defensive, a lot of times he will avoid the conversation, just so the talk could be over or go into attack mode. Instead of him taking responsibility for whatever it is that you need to talk to him about, he’s like, you know what? I did that because you did . . . or you always do that too or why is it only me? Instead of him just listening, taking in what you have to tell him, he is now attacking you or just shutting down and avoiding everything altogether.
A way for all of this not to occur, ladies, is for you to never use the phrase, let’s talk. You see, I learned a long time ago and from my personal experience as well as listening to other successful women never use this phrase. Which is, the secret ladies. It is not to ever have the talks that you want to have, you just never say, let’s talk. You never give him a chance to actually think about all of the junk. When you go speak to him, you just talk about the things you want to address. So that defensiveness never occurs because it is just conversation.
Him feeling like a failure never occurs because it is just a conversation. Him being defensive, that can occur but that depends on how you address the topic, how you address him. Are you going to blame? Are you going in criticizing or are you just trying to get an understanding? The best way to have the talk is to never say let’s talk. The best time to have the talks is to wait until you see that he is in a happier mood where he is literally laughing and joking, trying to tell you some jokes or playing around with you. This is the perfect time that you can say, ‘you know what I was thinking, then go into the problem. I was watching a movie. . ., I read a book. . .
You can get the thing that you have been thinking about off your chest. Now, he will try to solve your problem because men are fixers. Think about this, whenever you go to your husband, your spouse, your partner, and say, I am having such a hard time at work with X or with my boss and he might give you a solution. That is what happens. Now, he is going into solution mode.
I hope that this has helped you. How many of you are going to implement it into your relationship?
If you need any further help visit my website at www.marshauno.com or book your FREE Life Changing Coaching Session with me by visiting my calendly link.
Hey family! Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite Life and Relationship Strategist. I help single women figure out the tools and strategies needed in order to attract and keep the man she wants.
Dating can be tough even for the most seasoned dater. When I was dating, every time I went on a date I would hope that this guy was my last first date.
Can you relate?
I can remember preparing for these dates as if they were yesterday. The potential suitor and I would chat via an online site for about 2-3 days, then exchange numbers and continue chatting or calling one another for 1-2 weeks all throughout the day. Next, we would set up a date and time to meet one another, and because I am a romantic at heart, I would secretly hope that this was it for me. No more first awkward dates. No more catfishing. No more feeling lonely. This potential suitor would snatch me off the market and I would be claimed as his to the world. He would not only choose me, he would adore me and treat me like a queen.
Most of this was a fantasy because I had no idea what I was doing. I did not know how I should show up. I did not know the rules of dating. I had no idea what questions I should be asking and I never thought about setting a standard based off of what I wanted and/or needed. I had no clear direction. Sound familiar?
Because of this I feel compelled to give you the secret sauce. What is the secret sauce you ask? Well, this secret sauce is what I wished someone would have told me when I was on the dating scene. This secret sauce could have saved me many nights from tossing and turning in my bed. This secret sauce made all the difference in attracting and keeping my husband.
There are three reasons why you cannot find and keep a man. Keep reading!
The first reason why you cannot find and keep a man is because you have not taken care of your baggage. You have not released the stuff that you have been carrying around with you for years and years as well as from relationship to relationship. You have not taken the time to stop dating, evaluate why you two broke up and figure out what you can improve on to make you a better person and dater. You only have one goal in mind, which is to be swept off your feet and out of the market for good. Just as I did years ago you have continued to hope things would get better the next time around with the next man. You keep dating and not taking care of yourself.
You decide to stay on this hampster wheel of frustration hoping and wishing this next guy will be the perfect one to see your beauty, inside and outside, and show you the world, moon and the stars. You are constantly hoping this time things will be different.
The question is: Are you different?
You are dealing with the effects of all that extra weight on your shoulders, your back, your butt and your arms. You have got baggage everywhere! This baggage will continue to bog you down if you never take the time to care for yourself and, especially, if you never take the time to figure out the why’s.
Why can’t I keep a man?
Why can’t I find a great catch?
Why are the guys I attract all cut from the same cloth?
Why do all men cheat on me?
Why don’t any of these men treat me like the queen I deserve to be treated as?
A lot of that has to do with you, sis!
Yes! I know you think that it is him but it is actually you. The person, people and guys you keep attracting are a big reflection on the things you think about, the way that you really view yourself and even what you secretly believe you deserve. Even when you say things out loud, you say things like, ‘I deserve . . .’, ‘I am supposed to get all of this stuff.’ Secretly, deep down inside, you do not believe you are worthy enough to attract and keep the type of guy you verbally express you wished was in your life.
This baggage is holding you back. All of those why questions you keep avoiding, is what is holding you back. You not taking the time to evaluate each relationship you have ever been in, is what is holding you back. These relationships include your siblings as well as your parents or guardians. All of those previous and current relationships helped shape you into the woman you are today.
If you are reading as a man, it is the exact same thing for you. Every single part of your life comes from the relationships that you have been a part of, whether healthy or toxic. Sibling relationships, parental relationships, friendships, all these relationships combined help shape who you are attracting and have lying next to you in the bed. BOTTOM LINE, take care of your baggage.
The second reason why you cannot find and keep a man is due to you constantly blaming and pointing the finger at your partner or your ex. It is always someone else’s fault. It is never your fault. You hardly ever, if ever, take any of the blame. It is always his fault. You often have these thoughts running through your head:
If he would have done this, I would have done that.
If he would have said that, I would have done this.
If he would have treated me like a queen, then I would have treated him like ‘X’.
All of this goes back to the baggage you are carrying around. This is why you keep attracting the same guys. You do not believe that you are worthy enough to be in a committed loving relationship. A relationship where you are honored like a queen bee.
To be in a loving healthy relationship, even if you did not grow up seeing something healthy, you have the choice to create the relationship that you want, healthy or toxic. You have the choice to stand up and say, you know what? I get it. I am from a broken home. I am from a home that society says I am supposed to behave a certain way. I am supposed to live a certain way. I am supposed to make a certain amount of money.
Guess what? You have the choice and you also have the choice to live a different life. You can decide to create a different legacy. You are making a choice each and every day, whether you realize it or not. Even if you are not making a conscious choice, it is still a choice.
We all create our relationships. We all create the lives around us. All of us do. If you are still making the choice to say, “I would rather have a piece of a man than a full man because I don’t want to be alone,” sis, you are still alone! ANd you are living out your beliefs that you are not worthy of having one complete man to yourself. By the way you still cannot have him when you want to. You still cannot go out on vacations together. If you are going out on vacations, you are not going on vacations where you can actually share the pictures and tag him in it.
You blame every man that does not claim you for the situations you are consistently putting yourself in. This all goes back to those why questions and your baggage. Ask yourself the following questions:
Why don’t I like being alone?
Why do I constantly feel like I have to be in a relationship?
You will never get to be the beautiful flower that you are and even believe to be until you take care of that baggage.
The third and final reason why you have yet to find and keep a man is because you do not have tough skin. Yes I said it! You do not have tough skin.
What do I mean by tough skin? Each time something does not go your way you start pouting. Each time he tells you no, you start pouting. Each time he wants to go out and do his own thing meaning his ‘me time’ you pout. Anytime he corrects or points out to you something you are doing wrong, for example, the way you speak to him, you take it personally.
Instead start looking for the gems to help you get better. Start telling yourself ‘I can use this information and help bring myself to a higher level.’ Stop jumping so fast to argue, fuss, and fight about any and everything because your skin is not tough enough for a gut punching truth be told conversation like the one mentioned above. You let everything hurt your feelings. You need to toughen up your skin and actually take the criticism. Focus and hear what he is trying to convey. Yes, his delivery probably does suck, but we are not talking about him right now. We are talking about the things that you can control. You cannot control what is coming out of his mouth, but you can control the way that you are receiving the things that he is saying to you. No matter how he says it to you. I want you to focus on the things that you can actually control. You can control this situation, how you take the information in and how you use the information later on.
Are you really hearing and listening to what he is saying versus how he says it?
Sis, if you tighten up on these three areas, you will absolutely attract and keep the man you want in your life. You will become his girlfriend. You will become his wife. All of this comes from you knowing who you are.
Apply these tips to find and keep your man, the relationship and the marriage. You have to do the work on you and you alone. Getting the help from someone like me, who can help you see what you are doing wrong can help you self-correct your path and do something different, to attract someone different.
It all starts with you!
Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship.
I remember growing up and not having a care in the world. I never had to worry nor think about who I had to be in a relationship or if it would fail.
Nowadays, my life is different and I’m no longer a small child. I make my own decisions and choices regarding my love life. I do not depend on what my parents showed me while I was growing up. I decide what type of relationship I want, how I want to be treated and who I choose to take this life’s journey with. As I’m sure you do as well.
Due to you making your own choices and showing up as your authentic self in your relationship, going the distance or not is also dependent on your own choices as well. There are ways to prevent your relationship from failing but keep in mind nothing is full proof. There are always two people in a relationship and both of their choices will determine if the relationship thrives or fails.
Here are several ways to stop your relationship from failing, if you both are in it together:
NEVER STOP DATING.
Dating is one of those things that seems super simple or that it does not make that big of a difference in the outcome of the relationship but trust me, it does. Dating your partner let’s him or her know that you are still interested in them. It’s also, usually, the time you two can be intentional about catching up on one another’s life. I’ve experienced getting busy and forgetting to check in with my husband. We all have done this at some point as life gets busy. Or am I alone? Have you done this as well? Dating let’s you two experience new memories together and even gives you both something to look forward to after a long week.
CONTINUE TO DO THE THINGS YOU DID TO GET HIM/HER.
Don’t get so caught up in your relationship that you stop doing the things that made you you. Keep up with your hobbies and outside friendships. Many people, once they enter a relationship, either forget about or throw their hobbies, friends and family to the side as they are building a romantic relationship with this new person. This is great but it can also have negative results, such as your partner feeling as though they have to entertain you or be your everything or even be your entire source of happiness. This can be a lot of pressure for one person to handle.
NEVER LET YOUR EGO TAKE OVER.
Your relationship is surely to fail if one or both of you have a huge ego. E.G.O. according to Les Brown means edging God out. Anytime your ego gets involved you are thinking more about Your needs and Your wants. You disregard any thoughts of what your partner needs or wants. This can be very destructive to the relationship. Each time this happens, you are placing your ego before your partner’s wants and needs. This starts to take away from the love, the appreciation and the respect. Your ego starts to insert all the negative things that you can think of such as, disrespect, hatred and resentment.
NEVER STOP LAUGHING.
I love laughing! Laughter helps to increase your mood. It turns your frown upside down into a beautiful smile. Laughter shows your pearly whites. Laughter creates an environment where others want to be around you including your spouse. Laughter changes your thought process and it even lightens the mood whenever you two are having an argument. Laughter can take you out of a depressive state. Laughter is one of the keys to keeping your relationship and love life intact. Laughter is a way to connect with your spouse on a deeper level. Laughter is one of those key elements I hear couples, who have been married for a long time, say is an essential ingredient within their relationship. They also mention that life is hard enough and laughter can ease everything.
NEVER LEAVE GOD OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Leaving God or a higher power out of your relationship is just like saying I am the most powerful and I can make anything happen, no matter what. Although it’s great to have this attitude, God can and will help you through every situation. It does not matter the day, the time nor the hour, God will be there. You can change your relationship completely around just by praying and asking God to guide your path, help you say the right words in your time of need and/or when you are tired and ready to throw in the towel. God can change your relationship from unstable, disrespectful and as if the world is about to fall in on you to you feeling loved, heard, understood and cherished. The key here is to allow God to speak to you and you to hear his voice. This only happens when you get still and quiet.
Ever wonder why some people are always busy ‘trying’ things instead of flourishing? It’s because they have yet to be steered into the direction he should go. Instead of trying to do it all by yourself why don’t you ask God to help you out? Ask him to bless your marriage or relationship. Ask him to help you to discern and choose the way to go. Ask him to bless your husband or wife. Ask him to help you with the words and tone of voice that you use while speaking to your spouse. Ask him to bless any area in your marriage that you know is not working. For example, maybe you two fight dirty. You’re tired of fighting dirty and the only thing you want to do is to be able to hold an intelligent mature conversation where you talk about the problem as well as discuss the solutions. Pray to God and ask him to help you to keep your cool, to guide your words, and to keep your attitude under control. How much different would that conversation be if you asked for the help in advance? Ask for God‘s help and you will receive it! You have the power to turn your entire relationship around and to stop it from failing! The choice is yours. The power is yours.
If you need further assistance to ensure your relationship doesn’t fail, check out my journal UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE DEEPER. In this journal you and your spouse answer in-depth questions, discuss the answers and get to know one another on a much deeper level. After you two finish this journal by answering one question daily, you two will appreciate one another even more, see one another through new eyes and feel more connected than ever before. Check it out here: https://amzn.to/3gkrWuY
I grew up surrounded by relationships. It seemed everyone I knew who was considered an elder was in a relationship. I couldn’t distinguish, through my childlike eyes, if everyone of the couples were married nor did it ever cross my mind that they were not married. When you grow up around and continue seeing couple after couple everywhere you turn, your vision and even the possibility that there could be another side to relationships and even marriage does not exist.
This happened to me. My vision and perception regarding relationships was skewed due to being around couples who seemed to always be happy and in love. Because of this, I did not realize how much I did not know about love, building a relationship and even being in a healthy relationship.
As I matured and left home to begin my own life’s journey, I soon found out that I was never taught what a solid relationship looked like. Yes, I had a general idea but having the details broken down was something I never experienced so when I started dating and tried to build my first marriage, it was no wonder things came crashing down. You and I can only work with the tools we are given until we are ready to mature and go to the next level in life and in love.
Once I decided to take my love life into my own hands and not keep repeating the cycles from my past, I began to search for ways that I could create a solid relationship. A relationship where it has a fighting chance to last, be healthy and fun. One where I enjoy my partner and love him on purpose.
Here are the 5 tips to create a solid relationship:
Check in with your partner often.
Once you get into your relationship do not fall into that trap of thinking your partner will know what he or she is doing right or areas he or she needs to work on. Do not allow resentment to build up. Do be vocal about what he or she is doing right. Do be vocal about what he or she needs to work on and be open to receiving the same feedback for yourself. This type of consideration for one another will help to deepen the understanding of your partner and will bring about more happiness for the choice you made in your partner. Be willing to put the areas that need some work into practice. This will show your partner that you did hear him or her and you want to be a better partner to him or her.
Give him/her your undivided attention.
When your partner is trying to have a conversation with you, make sure you get rid of the distractions, no matter how small. Whenever my husband is trying to speak to me, I make it a point (most times) to put down my phone or to step away from the computer or come into the room he is in so I can give him my undivided attention. Now, I’m not perfect at this but I am getting better and this simple step does make a difference. My husband also calls me on it whenever I violate this unwritten agreement. Sometimes I’m not aware that I’m not giving him my undivided attention. This is a work in progress in my marriage. I also call him on it when he is failing at giving me his undivided attention. It is a mutual way of being understood and respectful of one another. This also keeps our bond strong.
Connect more physically with hugs, kisses, holding hands and cuddling.
Keep your connection with one another through creating moments to embrace one another. These moments do not have to be done on a large scale or even made into a spectacle. They need to be genuine and practiced often. Did you know that infants need to be held and cuddled in order to stay alive? Well, now you know this. You and I are no longer infants but we need to feel the touch of our partner just as much. This makes the heart grow fonder towards one another. Touch brings about a thoughtful smile. Touch also decreases stress and lowers blood pressure. Who knew that touch was this powerful? Being touched by your partner and your partner touching you is an undoubted way for him or her to feel close to you and loved by you.
Don’t forget about the surprises to make him/her feel special.
Who doesn’t like surprises? Most people do. It makes your partner have a warm fuzzy feeling that you thought about him or her. Surprises can reassure your partner that you do know him or her and what they like. Gifts can also be your partner’s way of feeling loved.
Do not get caught up in the amount of money you put into a gift because not all gifts need to be bought. You could give the gift of handmade art, a handwritten letter or a flower you picked on the way home. The art of gift giving has more to do with the thought that was placed upon what the gift is. Maybe your partner’s birthday is just around the corner and you know he or she loves picnics or movies or wine. You could present a gift around one of these areas. You could create a picnic in your living room as well as at your favorite spot in town. An area where he or she goes to think. Instead of going to the theater for a movie you could rent a projector and have a private movie in your backyard on the back of your house with a dinner set up for you two to enjoy. Instead of getting him or her a bottle of wine, you could take them wine tasting at the new winery you discovered.
Talk about your dreams, goals, aspirations, fears and current projects.
Get your partner involved with your dreams, goals and aspirations. He or she could have the best idea to help you get to the next level. Be open to receiving their idea as well. Do not think you have to try to accomplish everything you’ve been dreaming about all alone. You two are there to build the relationship together. This includes your careers and what you are afraid of. Do not look at this as being a negative. The best way to get over your fears is to face them. Discuss these things with your partner so he or she can support you on this journey of growth and self discovery. If you are scared of public speaking, you should find a way to speak in public even if it is a very small gathering of your peers or friends. Practice your speech in front of your partner. Listen to his or her feedback so you can get better. If you are afraid of flying you should totally go book your next trip to ensure you get on the plane. Ask your partner to travel with you if need be. If you are scared of having that difficult conversation then you must muster up the courage to have that conversation. This will help you go to the next level, create a deeper understanding of yourself (and your partner) and you will be able to push the limits in a healthy way.
If you need further assistance to ensure you are creating a solid foundation in your relationship, check out my coloring book for couples, 365 Days of Love For Us: An A-Z Coloring and Activity Book for Couples. You and your partner can look at date night different with this coloring book. Each date you two will color one of the pages with a couple and a word that shows how much you love him or her. You two will discuss what this word means to you and write down ways you both will show each other what this word means. This gives you two a chance to create the foundational structure within your relationship. After you two complete this coloring book you will feel connected, understood, closer to one another and your communication will have increased ten fold. Check out 365 Days of Love For Us here: https://amzn.to/3d0d032
How would you know if you are with him or her now?
Could it be possible you let that person slip away from you?
These types of questions can plaque you throughout your lifetime. If you are not careful with whom you ask or share your thoughts about this topic you could end up believing your soulmate is not out there or is in a relationship with someone else.
Have you ever heard a woman constantly talking about a guy who is taken, that guy she let get away. Now she’s having the hardest time moving on and giving another man a real chance at winning her heart? This is a classic case of her believing that guy, her ex, was her soulmate.
Let’s define soulmate. According to dictionary.com a soulmate is a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or a romantic partner. If we go by this definition then there is a such thing as a soulmate. your partner could be the soulmate you never knew you already had.
Let’s discuss 5 ways to determine if you are with your soulmate, so he or she never slips away.
Are you completely happy and content with your relationship and spouse most times?
This question can help determine if you are just settling for that person you are in a relationship with. How much laughter is heard within your relationship? How often do you two have fun together? When was the last time you did something special for him or her? Can you two talk about anything no matter how big or small without feeling guilt, shame or being misunderstood? Do you feel heard by your spouse?
These questions can help you analyze your relationship and the way you feel about yourself while in the relationship.
Does he/she encourage you?
When you go share some wonderful news with your spouse, how is it received? When you’re not sure which direction would be best for you can you ask your spouse for guidance knowing he or she has your best interest at heart? Who do you immediately call to share your great news with? Is it your spouse or someone else? Do you hear more words of praise such as “you’ve got this” or “go get that new account” or anything that tells you your spouse wants to see you succeed? Do you feel you constantly have to prove yourself before the belief is there regarding your abilities?
If you feel anything less than words of encouragement from your spouse even when he or she doesn’t believe in you, you have to keep going. You have to continue to prove this to yourself. It is your vision not anyone else’s.
I had a client who went through this very thing for years. He is an entrepreneur at heart and hated working for other people. He had a 9-5 but often found himself daydreaming about his own company and what his life would look like. He shared his vision with his wife who automatically started asking questions like, what about insurance, how will we survive, I don’t think it’s a good idea, no, keep your job and a ton of other negative statements.
My client decided he would pursue his dreams anyway. This put a ton of stress on their marriage for 2-4 years. However, before this timeframe was completed, the husband did start getting contracts and some income started to flow into the home. It wasn’t enough to cover the loss of wages from his 9-5 but he felt even more confident and determined to see his dreams come true. The more he believed in himself and his ability, the more he approached new business opportunities. The better he became at his craft the more valuable he became to the marketplace. The more valuable he became to the marketplace the more money flowed into his home. Moving into the present day, he and his wife are very happy and she never brings up the uncertainty from the past. She now encourages him to follow his dreams and goals when he discusses these things with her.
Again you have to follow your heart, your dreams and your goals. If you continue to pursue them then your spouse will believe in you, your abilities and trust you even more. This I know first hand.
How often does he/she support you?
Having someone support your thoughts, dreams and goals makes a big difference in the outcome of your life. Let’s take the couple from above, there were many times my client did not feel supported. They had plenty of fights behind him walking away from that job. Also, many businesses do not make it pass the first year in business due to their spouse not supporting them and the constant fights that follow along with the stress of building your own company.
Being supported can be a determining factor if you thrive or fail. Feeling like your spouse has your back in the good times and bad times is when you really can tell if he or she understands you. Also, look for and determine if he or she shows support in other areas in your life or is it only this one area that he or she does not show support? This can help you understand that your spouse does have your back most times. You also can have the conversation to see why your spouse is so nervous about you pursuing your dreams.ask questions to get their ‘why’ of him or her being uncertain. What will this do to him or her? Why does he or she feel the way they feel? Try to get to the root cause of their feelings. Look for ways to get him or her to believe in and support you.
Do you feel accepted by him/her without trying to change for him/her?
Feeling accepted is an essential piece to the puzzle and feeling as though you have met and are currently with your soulmate. How often has your partner wanted you to change something about yourself? This isn’t an instant bad thing as long as he or she isn’t asking you to violate what your fundamental beliefs are. Has the request been to say please and thank you or more along the lines of not speaking up, going along with his or her program, being disrespected or changing your beliefs in God? These two things are very different. Making requests such as asking you to say please and thank you is for the betterment of the relationship. It brings about a sense of respect as well as a pleasing aspect. Asking someone to change their fundamental beliefs is a whole new ball game. This is a violation to who he or she is, what they believe in and how they became the person they are up until this very moment. These core beliefs are deeply buried assumptions that guide each of our behaviors.
How safe do you feel letting down your guard in his/her company?
Letting down your guard should feel really natural when you are around your potential soulmate. You should not feel any judgment or fear of how he or she will react after opening up about a particular topic. Being able to open up and share your deepest darkest secret(s) and feel loved, honored and that feeling of being in this thing with that person makes all the difference in how close you feel with your partner. If you often feel you have to hide or share your innermost thoughts with someone outside your partner, it may be time to re-evaluate if this person is your soulmate. Your soulmate will give you the feeling that you can share anything no matter if they believe in it, want to have the conversation or not. He or she will respect and honor you in that moment and allow you to speak your truth without the constant fear and thoughts that he or she is being judged or looked at in a different manner. Letting down your guard, feeling like you’re able to speak freely and be your authentic self is the greatest sign that you are with your soulmate.
In conclusion, you are with your soulmate if you can open up and be yourself, have a conversation about anything and feel the love he or she has for you even without a word being uttered. You feel honored, respected and can feel that he or she wants to best not only for you but for the relationship as well. Your souls will continue to bring out the beat in you and you in him or her.
If you need further assistance to ensure you continue to learn more and more about your soulmate, check out my journal UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE DEEPER. In this journal you and your spouse answer in-depth questions, discuss the answers and get to know one another on a much deeper level. After you two finish this journal by answering one question daily, you two will appreciate one another even more, see one another through new eyes and feel more connected than ever before. Check it out here: https://amzn.to/3gkrWuY