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The Advantages to Having More Sex

SEX! Sex is a subject that many are embarrassed to speak about in public. It is also the topic of discussion amongst men when in groups and amongst women when they get into groups of 2 or more as well. Not much sex gets discussed between the sexes it seems. According to a Penn State study women talk about sex-related topics more frequently with their best friend than men do with the exception of masturbation. It would behoove each of us to spend the uncomfortable time talking to our partner’s about what our sexual needs are so we can experience more enjoyable sex together and take it from theory to application and then bliss 🙂

Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite life and relationship strategist. I help women who are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved to feeling appreciated and understood all while creating the intimacy she deserves.

 Let’s address why having more sex is to the advantage of you and your partner, as well as the relationship overall.

Excited yet?

1. Sex rewires you for pleasure.

There are times we get out of having sex because we let the world take over us. We let life take over us. We let our children take over us. We let our schedules take over us. We let our careers take over us and sex has a tendency to take a back seat. Because we live in such a fast paced society, no one wants to feel left behind when it comes to their ideas of what success is. Sex helps you refocus on the things that matter, such as your family. The more you indulge in it, the more pleasure you bring into your life and into your relationship.

2. Sex can bring the passion back in your relationship.

Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. Lots of times the passion in our relationship goes away. This is usually due to our busy lives. We get into our work routines and we are not thinking of new ways to bring fun, to erase boredom or the stress from our lives. All the different ways to keep it fresh, new, sexy and continue to feel wanted by your spouse need to be spruced back up. We have to put our focus back into our love lives to bring the passion back so we never lose it. Three ways to do this is to add more excitement, sensual touch and intimacy.

3. Women with a higher sense of smell have better sex.

According to a study conducted by German Researchers in the Archives of Sexual Behavior women with a better sense of smell reported a higher frequency of orgasms during sexual intercourse which equates to about 60 percent of women. Women with less sensitive noses reported having orgasms only 17 percent of the time during sexual intercourse.

4. Sex can help you lose weight.

We know that exercise keeps us healthy but should we add sex to this regimen on purpose? The more rigorous your sexual activities, the more calories you burn. This equates to about 250 calories per rigorous sexual encounter. Having rigorous sex can be your new form of exercise. One study added having sex to the moderate-intensity exercise category which is where you want to be in order to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle.

5. Having more sex decreases the effects and the feelings of depression.

Depression weighs us down. When it is weighing on you it is also weighing on your partner. Depression is the top disability in the U.S. for people ages 15-44. However, there are many aspects of sex that can help to buffer depression’s side effects. One study found that depressed women who are exposed to semen had increased moods. The act of sex for men increased thier moods as well.

6. Sex decreases prostate cancer in men.

How does having sex do this? Sex decreases the blockages in men’s tubes by regularly engaging in it. About 50 percent of men, no matter age, race, ethnicity are going to get prostate cancer. A way to ward that off and not be a part of the 50 percent is to continue to have more and more sex.

7. Sex helps women with PMS pain.

Not every woman feels the effects of PMS but there are certain symptoms and signs that occur while on your cycle and PMS is one of them. A few other benefits of having sex with on your period are it can shorten your cycle, less need for lube and it heightens intimacy.

The more you talk about sex and the things you like outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside the bedroom. If you need to give your partner some instructions so your sex life can be better, the best time to address this is outside of the bedroom where there is no pressure to perform. This also enhances the chances that you both feel as though you received what you needed. So, the more you speak about sex outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside of the bedroom. You can say something like. . . ‘I really love when you rub on my. . .’, ‘I really love it when you touch me. . .”, ‘Touch me here next time I really loved that.’ Letting your partner in on what you like, need and want inside the bedroom will increase your chances of them pleasing you once you two get back inside the sheets.

Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship and having better sex.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

http://www.marshauno.com

How to Make Your Man Feel Needed… Even if You Do Not Need Him

For generations, women and men have been taught that the man is the provider in the sense of making the money for the household but these dynamics are changing. According to the updated version of Breadwinning Mothers are Increasingly the U.S. Norm, 41 percent of mothers were the sole or primary breadwinners for their families, earning at least half of their total household income. With the increasing number of women being the breadwinners, how can these women show their man that he is needed within the home and relationship?

It is my opinion that there are plenty of simple ways to do this. It is literally you making the choice to implement them. The best way to make a man feel needed is when you don’t need him financially. But how can this be possible? Well, it’s actually not as difficult as you might think! We will talk about six things you can do even if he isn’t making as much money in the relationship. These tips are perfect for men who love their wives or girlfriends but may be feeling insecure because they are not bringing home enough bacon.

Here are 6 ways to make your man feel needed even if you don’t need him financially:

1. Let him help you

Every man wants to feel like he’s the king of his castle, but that means allowing him some roles in your house and being ok with letting go a little bit. If you need help organizing something or cleaning up so it doesn’t become a disaster, let him know! It’ll make him happy to be able to take care of things for you without feeling bad about not doing enough around the house because he can see how much work is involved.

2. Allow vulnerability in and let him witness this.

Allow vulnerability so he can witness it. I know this sounds like strange advice, but many women have been taught from birth that vulnerability is weakness rather than a strength. We’ve been encouraged by society and culture all our lives to put up walls of protection (figuratively) because we thought it was better for us emotionally if people couldn’t see how much help we need. This is quite the opposite of what men really need in order to feel needed in the home by the family and especially the woman he loves. Keeping the walls up will do the opposite of making him feel closer to you. These walls will bring more distance and your man will feel as though he is not needed. Trust me sis! He wants to solve your problems and see your softer side.

3. Give him the blueprint to win with you.

If he’s always trying to figure out what will make you happy then give him that gift, let

him know it does work! Tell him how much his efforts mean to you and express your appreciation for all of the things he does on a daily basis. Letting someone know they are appreciated is one way to show them they are needed in our lives. It is the simple things we do and say that keep our spouse’s feeling important, cared for and needed. The more you tell your man how he can win with you, the more you will feel in love with him no matter what. Money is important but it is not the most important aspect of your relationship.

4. Ask for his advice or opinion

Giving each other space can be healthy but we also need partners who fill us up when we don’t have anything left inside ourselves. We want people in our life who push us forward instead of holding us back so why not ask your man for help? The best way to show a man you value his opinions and advice is by asking for them. It’s not an insult if he doesn’t have the answer, but it can be frustrating when we’re looking for feedback and don’t get any. If your guy gives good input, use that information wisely.

– Ask questions about what you need advice about.

– Listen without interrupting his thoughts.

– Tell him how much of an asset his advice is.

5. Share how much you miss him

Don’t take him for granted. Do things that you know he likes and do them often. Make sure to send texts and tell him how much you care about him, even if it’s just a cute little message like “I miss u”. There is no need to be clingy or needy but there should definitely be some showing of interest on your part.

Show appreciation in whatever way works for the two of you. If he does something big, thank him with words or give a gift (something small). The point is to let your man know how special he is and how your life would not be the same without him in it.

6. Exude respect.

When he gets home, don’t nag about the one thing you didn’t like. Instead ask him how his day was and let him know you’re happy to see him. Every time you go out with your

friends without a man by your side, make sure to take some pictures for him of all the fun that’s happening or send selfies in different poses so he knows what it looks like from where he is. (He’ll appreciate this even more if there are other men around.) Women often think they need financial support from their guy to feel needed and appreciated but really it doesn’t matter whether she needs her man financially or not – as long as she respects him!

For more tips on making a man really want to stay in the relationship, try these:

* Give compliments that are genuine. Don’t just say it out of obligation because he deserves it! Praise everything from his work ethic to personal interests. Let your man know when he’s done something good so he knows what behavior you like best. For example, “thanks for taking care of my car today” is better than “you always take such good care of me.”

* Compliment him often; don’t wait until Valentine’s Day or another special occasion. Make sure not all the compliments center around appearance either – praise other areas as well.

After reading this, I hope you understand that many men do not want to leave their partners because of money but sometimes need reassurance from time-to-time about their importance within the relationship. This way we can help our man know how much he means to you so that he will want to stay around and not be bothered by who is bringing in the most money. For more ways to show your appreciation pick up a copy of my book I’m grateful for you: an appreciation journal for the man in your life .

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist


How to Pivot Your Relationship and Change Things Around

How would you pivot your relationship when things are not going the way you envisioned them? Let me define what pivot means. According to Oxford languages, pivot means the central point, pin or shaft on which a mechanism turns or oscillates; turn on as if on a pivot. In your relationship this means that point when you know you need to go the other way, out of the abyss and in the direction of taking actions to ensure you can save the relationship. 

I remember helping this one client “Sherri.” She knew she was losing her boyfriend but had no idea what she was doing wrong nor where to start in order to figure things out. After we took a deep dive into her situation, I uncovered her knack for being very demeaning and unsupportive. After this realization and a few more coaching conversations, “Sherri” began to hold her tongue, speak more positively towards her boyfriend’s dreams and aspirations. She finally realized she did not need to agree with or see the vision her boyfriend had for their future but she needed to be there for him when it counted. 

So, how do you pivot so you can turn your relationship around? 

What are you doing that you know is impeding your relationship growth? 

Here are four tips to implement within your relationship in order to pivot in the direction of peace, harmony and acceptance. Sometimes, you may not realize that a few simple, yet effective strategies can make all the difference in shifting your love life from humdrum to awesome. 

You may even think at times, “I know what the concept is but now what is the next step that I need to do to change it all around?” If you want your relationship to not only survive but to thrive then you must evacuate the bad habits and toxic behaviors. Throw away all of the things that are hindering you from connecting deeply with your spouse. The only way to do that is to know, what is hindering you? If you do not know what that thing is, then do the opposite of what you are doing right now. So, if you are yelling, screaming and fighting, guess what you need to do? Stop yelling, screaming, fussing and fighting. Yes, it is going to be hard to contain and even hold your tongue, but if you want to change things around you must do something different because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you want a successful and healthy relationship, now is the time for you to admit and even say enough is enough, “I’m going to do something different.” That difference is how you are going to pivot your relationship. 

Here’s how you pivot in order for your relationship to head in the direction of peace and flow:

  1. Realize you can change your relationship around 

You have to realize you can change your relationship around. Realize you can change the way you think. Your mindset plays a big role in how your relationship is and how you see it today. You have to think differently about your partner, as well as about your relationship. In order to start to see things in a different light. You have to think differently about the things that he does. You have to think differently about why he is doing them. You also have to think differently about his perspective. Putting yourself in his shoes and thinking about his real intentions behind what he has said, you will start to see your partner in a different way. Maybe, he is not doing something intentional, like you believed. 

I remember when, before, I had a conversation with my husband, he likes to scrape the spoon across his teeth while he is eating and the sound would drive me crazy. So, instead of me internalizing this behavior and starting to resent him whenever he eats I had a conversation with him. If I would have never had the conversation with him I would have continued to believe my own story of him doing it on purpose just to annoy me. He told me he does this just because he likes to hear the sound. Simple as that. The thing about changing your thinking around is that whenever you stay up in your head, you are literally destroying your relationship. Because you are stuck in your head, the story you come up with will always benefit you and your beliefs. The REAL story usually has nothing to do with the “why” behind why your partner is doing that thing. We are so sensitive when it comes to our spouse that we always take things personally. We always think that he is doing something on purpose to annoy and frustrate us. You must think about your partner differently in order to change your relationship around. 

  1. Implement new habits

The second thing you must do is to implement new habits. Instead of you continuously not speaking up for yourself and holding things in expecting your spouse to be your mind reader, you must stop. You must speak up about the things that frustrate you. Most of us are great at talking about all of the things that are going to keep the relationship smooth, not realizing that the bad stuff that annoys you is also a part of making your relationship run smoothly. Hopefully you have a partner that listens to you and wants to make the relationship easier so the frustrations you bring up to him can be eradicated. Implementing new habits in order to get the new behaviors is one of the jury’s to making a pivot in your relationship. In order to get different results you must be willing to stop with the bad behaviors and bad habits. You must figure out what those bad habits are and guess what? They are probably a lot easier for you to recognize. Think about what your spouse has been complaining about and then, start there. Start working on the things that he constantly complains about with you and start getting rid of those things. Your thought process about your spouse will be better because you are being intentional about destroying the bad stuff. So, your relationship is bad right now, you want to get it to better. Better leads to good. If you are already good. Now let’s get  it to great. If your relationship is great already, let’s get it to extraordinary, so you can be a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships. 

  1. How you view your past

The way you view your past is holding you back from changing your entire relationship. You must eradicate that baggage. One way to do this is to speak to a coach, like myself, a therapist or somebody you trust. If you are not at the point in your relationship where your partner is your trusted confidant, where you can take anything to him. You are still responsible for getting rid of the things that hold you back from experiencing relationship bliss. Here is the thing: most of the time you do not realize what it is because you do not have the questions or the exercises you must do in order to help get rid of your baggage. When you do not have the tools or the information you go and find it somewhere else such as school or college. 

We did not know our ABCs, if our parents were not teaching us, we learned it when we got into school. The thing about it is you do not know what you do not know. So, if you do not know what is holding you back, now you are obligated to find somebody who could help pull that stuff out of you. If this sounds like something that you need, sign up for my free 30-minute coaching call, so I can help you. If it is not me, sign up with somebody else, but get the help that you need. You can go from where you are today to where you really want to be tomorrow and recognize that this is a journey. 

What can you learn from your past? The things that you should be doing, which is the good. Take the good stuff from your past and implement that into your relationship. Throw away the things you should not be doing, such as name calling and being the judge. Remember, you are two different people trying to come together and be perfect for one another. 

  1. How optimistic are you about the future of your relationship

The final tip to consider is, how optimistic are you about the future of your relationship? If you are a very pessimistic person, you are going to bring that into your relationship. You will have a tendency to only focus on the negative. Remember you have to change your thoughts about your spouse if you want to change your relationship around. So, if you are very pessimistic, you are going to always focus on the negative portions about your spouse. You have to work on becoming a more optimistic person. The way your relationship turns out depends on your views and beliefs.  Your belief systems, thoughts and words you use have great power. 

If you constantly focus on the relationship not working out what, guess what? At some point it will crumble and fall  apart. So, whenever you speak, your brain is not looking at whether this is the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do. Your brain is helping you win because your brain wants to keep you safe. There is research behind this.  What I am trying to bring into your viewpoint is your brain is helping you with. If you are focusing on this relationship is not going to work out, it will not. Even though it is detrimental to you, your brain is helping you win. The breakup happened in part because that is what you focused on and you already knew that it was going to break up, so your brain is helping you win by finding ways to let you see why a breakup makes sense. 

The power is in your tongue. The power is in your belief system. The power is in your thoughts and if you want to change your entire relationship around, you have to be conscious and aware of how you are showing up and the things you are focusing on. Your bad behaviors need to change into new behaviors. Those bad habits need to change into new habits. Start looking at your partner in a positive light. Change your old habits into being more optimistic about the future of your relationship. 

By the way, I have a book that can help you pivot your relationship from where it is today to where you want it to be just by taking a simple step daily. Check out my book,  I’m Grateful for You: An Appreciation Journal for the Man in Your Life. This book will change your perspective on your spouse and your relationship. Check it out and let me know your thoughts. 

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

How Personal Growth Enhances Your Relationship

What comes to mind when you think about personal growth? It is usually centered around oneself, which is correct but what if I told you it was so much more. Personal growth is a where a person recognizes themself and continually develops themself to reach their full potential. It refers to various techniques for improving one’s habits, behaviors, actions and reactions. Personal growth is an important part of a person’s growth, maturity, success and happiness. 

If your spouse is not growing personally on his own, then he will not be able to understand you or where you are coming from overtime. If he is not open to personal development, you will start to sound strange. If not nurtured you two will eventually start to grow apart from one another. Some are even scared to grow for fear that their partner will either get upset or eventually leave them behind for an upgrade. Personal growth is not the adversary in your relationship. It is a way to enhance your relationship so it can grow even stronger overtime, even if your spouse is not on board. 

This is really important. I want to address the fact that some spouse’s will not be on board with your personal development. What they are not realizing is that growth is a personal thing. It is right in the title: personal growth. It is about you becoming the best version of yourself. Your spouse has to make this decision on his own. Personal growth is about you growing. It is about you becoming better. It is about you taking care of you. Yes, your spouse is going to witness you being different, but you have to stay the course if you want to get different results. I always talk about creating the relationship that you want. One of the ways to create the relationship that you want is to develop yourself through personal growth and personal development. These two go hand in hand. 

Here is how:

1. Become a leader in this area

One of the things that personal growth does for you and for your relationship is that it helps you to become the leader in order to shift the energy and focus in your relationship. You must lead by example. See, whenever you are staying the course, you are becoming better. You are learning new tools. You are beginning to apply these tools in your relationship. Your spouse will start watching how you are moving now. Your spouse will start watching how you are showing up. Your spouse will start watching the things you say and the things you participate in. 

So, maybe the thing you need to work on is holding your tongue, your sharp tongue that cuts everything. Instead of you, spewing out everything that comes to your mind . . . You make a conscious effort to stop. You begin to think how you need to do better in this area. Now, in that very moment is when you have to make the decision to be better with your tongue. By showing up differently, even when your spouse ticked you off, you are showcasing your new found maturity and personal growth in action. It is a choice in the way you respond. Reacting to your spouse does nothing to improve your relationship, it only adds to the complexities and dysfunction of it. When you start to become the change you want to see within your spouse, your spouse will recognize this and will follow suit himself. If you want to make an impact in your relationship. You have to be different; you have to show up differently, you have to do something different. Responding your old way will not get the results you aspire to achieve because we all know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Allow your actions from what you have learned on your personal growth journey to help deepen the connection in your love life. 

2. You become more desirable by living the life you want to live

The second way that personal growth helps to strengthen your relationship, is that you become more desirable due to you living life the way you want to live it. Instead of daydreaming about the fantasy, you are bringing it to life. Remember, you probably will mess up sometimes and your old self will surface. Be aware that this is a new habit and a new behavior you are trying to make normal. So, you are going to revert back. You will go backwards sometimes but as long as you catch yourself, you have a chance to go back and say “I’m sorry”, and then do better next time. This is what the process of personal growth is all about. You are in the process of becoming your most authentic self. So, the next time you mess it up and then you catch yourself, apologize. The point is, as long as you are constantly moving forward, then your relationship will become healthier.  The growth, the personal development you are doing with yourself will translate into you becoming the leader and more desirable to your spouse. Before you know it, some of the things you do or say will rub off on your spouse and this is how you know they are listening. 

This actually happens in my own marriage. Sometimes my husband acts like he is not listening to me. He tells me all the time, “Do not coach me.” But here is the thing, he is listening to what I am saying because some of the things I say and do he will repeat them back to me at a later time when I am doing something he does not like or approves of. Trust me, your spouse is listening and watching you.  It is going to work. You have to stay the course. 

3. You communicate much better

The third way personal growth helps strengthen and grow your relationship is that you will be a much better communicator with your spouse. Much better communicator, because some of the things you are reading and listening to, are going to start rubbing off on yourself. You are going to start to internalize that stuff. Because you are internalizing the things you hear, the more your belief system increases about the things you are constantly feeding your soul with. You begin believing it more and start to live it. What happens is you will begin seeing some results from the things you are implementing. You realize and think, “Okay, this is good right here. Our relationship is not as stressful as once before but it still needs some work.” You will communicate a lot better. You will be a better active listener; you will be able to articulate the things you want to say much more concisely. 

4. You become more aware of your actions and how they affect your spouse

The fourth and final way personal growth helps to strengthen your relationship is that this helps you to become more self-aware of your actions and how they affect you as well as your spouse. As I mentioned before, you might have been the person with a sharp tongue when you get triggered. You say whatever you want because that is what you want to say. This is how you always have done it, but now you are realizing that “I shouldn’t be doing it this way. This is not the most effective way to get my spouse to do what I am trying to say. So, I probably need to stop popping off. I probably need to calm down and allow him to say the things that he needs to say. Let him get out the things that he is feeling. Let me try to dig a little deeper and ask more questions. Let me get down to the ‘why’, the real reason why we are actually arguing. Let me do some self-reflection.” If you want to be heard, lower your voice. Speak calm. Speak directly about the issue. Do not blame your spouse. Only focus on the problem and state a solution or two. In that moment you become more aware, they become more aware, hence you guys are growing together.

 Somebody has to start the process. Somebody has to become the adult in the relationship and act as if what you are doing will make a difference. Believe that it will. Continue to stay the course and work on you. This is the beauty of how we get to these relationships we really want to be a part of. What we are really trying to do is go from good relationships to great relationships and from great relationships to extraordinary relationships, so we can be a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships. 

Lacking in your personal growth? Sign up for your Free 30-minute coaching conversation here. I am Marshaun Olaniyan. I am a Shift Relationship Strategist. I help Christian women stop feeling disconnected and unloved and shift them to feeling heard, understood and appreciated. Now is your time to shift the trajectory of your relationship around for good. 

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

7 Things You Need to Throw Away in Order to Get the Relationship of Your Dreams

How do you get the relationship of your dreams?

Many people would focus on the material things that money can buy but what if I told you that was wrong?

Research has shown that the more a person is materialistic the more they are found to be dissatisfied in their marriage. 

So if gaining the relationship of your dreams does not come from outwardly possessions then where does it come from? It comes from within you. Your inner world has everything to do with how you attract a partner, keep your peace and view the world around you. 

In order to create the love life of your dreams there are a few things you need to discard along the way to finding your peace and happiness. Every person who is in their dream relationship has created it. They have given up the notion that they have to be perfect and that their spouse has to be perfect. The two of them know of one another’s flaws and accept them as they are. They both work on becoming the best version of themselves and they make a conscious decision to make their spouse happy by supplying the love each of them need. 

Here are seven things you must discard along the way to creating your dream relationship:

1. Throw away the need to be liked

The first thing that you need to get rid of is the need to be liked. You must show up and be your true authentic self. Stop trying to be someone you are not because the people that like you, the people that love you, the people that are going to nurture you, as well as be your cheerleader, those are the people that are going to like you for being yourself. So, throw away the need for being liked by everyone. If you are a people pleaser, please understand that you will never, ever please everybody out there. It is just impossible to do so. Since we cannot show up and please everybody, why not show up and like yourself? Why not show up and just be who you are meant to be in this world? Again, whoever is going to like you will do just that. They will like you without you having to act a certain way or make sure they are happy or what you can do for them. The opposite is true too. Those who are not going to like you will not like you, but that is okay, because you do not want everyone to have access to your inner circle. We want to allow those people into our lives and into our circles that we know have our back and have our best interests at heart. 

2. Throw away the need to be loved by everyone

The second thing to throw away is the need to be loved by the people you choose to bring into your life. Again, this is your inner circle I was just mentioning. Sometimes you may feel the need to show up and be somebody different, especially if you want it to be seen, heard, to feel loved, connected, especially if you are not already receiving these things. Sometimes you will have fleeting friendships and romantic relationships and that is okay. The people you want in your life and you want to build relationships with, including romantic relationships, are those people that are cheering for you. These people tell you, “you’ve got this” and are willing to “correct” you when you need correction. You want people around you that are automatically going to just love you, for you, so you do not have to show up and pretend to be somebody that you are not. You also will not have to force this to happen. Loving friendships and relationships blossom over time and are a natural process. Forcing anything will leave you feeling  heart broken and betrayed overtime. 

3. Throw away the idea that you have to earn God’s love

The third thing you need to throw away is the idea that you have to earn God’s love. Some people think they have to do a lot of things in order to earn God’s love. I am here to tell you, you do not. God just loves you because you are made in His image. Number one, he loves you because he sent his only begotten son. He loves you because all of your sins are already forgiven. You do not have to feel like you have to earn God’s love. He has already given it to you. Now, it is up to you to choose to accept God’s love. It is up to you to ask God for His guidance about the plan He has for your life and walk down that path so your life will be blessed beyond anything you have ever imagined. It is up to you to pray over your relationship in order to gain clarity about the choice you have made in a mate. This is all your choice to make. 

4. Throw away the idea that the things you purchase will bring you happiness

The fourth thing I want you to take out of your vocabulary and throw out of your mindset is thinking the things you go out and purchase, meaning the worldly possessions: the houses, the cars, the boats, all of the jewelry, Louis Vuitton and all of these things. . . Throw away the idea that these materialistic things you purchase are going to show you what you are worth and that you are valuable because you have these things because they do not make you valuable. These things, also, do not add to your worth. You have to know you are already a worthy person, whether you have these things or not. So, throw away the idea that the things you go out and accumulate are going to bring you happiness. They are not going to tell you how worthy you are. They will bring you momentary happiness. You have to understand that happiness comes from within. You also have to know you are already worth it and valued, as well. 

5. Throw away the fear of you not being accepted

Throw away the fear of you not being accepted because the one person that must accept you before anybody else accepts you, is you. You have to learn to accept yourself before anybody else is going to come in and accept you for you. If you are showing up and being somebody that is inauthentic, people are going to accept you for the person you are showing up to be, not the person you actually are. So, why not throw away the pretend game and just show up and be you? You have to learn to accept all of yourself; everything about you, flaws and all including the things you despise about yourself. You have to learn to accept them all because this is all you get. . . you.

 I remember when I was watching an interview with Kevin Hart. All of us know that Kevin Hart is short. He was being interviewed by Oprah and she asked him “how did you learn to exude all of this self-confidence?” He answered “you know what, this is it. This is all that God gave me so why not show up and be who I need to be, who I am meant to be, who God has called me to be”. Instead of trying to be somebody else, he has learned to accept himself and now, everybody loves him. He has accepted himself way before anybody else. When you start to accept yourself, your confidence and self-esteem are going to exude towards others. You will attract your tribe of friends. You will attract your mate by showing up in your confidence and your self-esteem. So, throw away your fear based thoughts that you are not going to be loved and accepted by anybody. 

6. Throw away the worry of what people think about you

Throw away the fear of what people will think about you. You are valuable just because you were created. Out of 400 million sperm, you were chosen. Everything about you is special but you have to believe it before anybody else will believe it about you. You have to show up, stand in your confidence and know that you are valuable long before anybody else is going to accept this fact. You have to know it. You have to believe it. You stand in it as if your life depended on it because it does. People are out here killing themselves. Life is very short. Throw away all of these ideas about you not being good enough and what people think of you. The truth is people will find something to talk about whether you are the happiest person on earth or the angriest. Make it a point to live your life the best way you know how and make every moment count. Love yourself. Do you no matter what. Throw away the worry about what people think about you because the most important opinion about you is your opinion about what you think about you.

7. Throw away the Fear of the future

You must throw away the fear of the future because none of us know what the future holds. So, why do so many people get wrapped up in thinking about the future? How about you remain present right now and what’s going on and deal with the things that are coming to you right now. You have the power to create your future. This is based off of the decisions you make today. If you want a life and romantic relationship to be awe inspiring then take small steps everyday to move your life in that direction. 

Need help? Now is the time to sign up for your FREE 30-minute coaching conversation with me today. Click here to sign up. 

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

What Does Working on Your Relationship Really Mean

When most people refer to being in a relationship I often hear “relationships take work” and sometimes this statement is true. Other times I believe relationships do not take as much effort as we believe. I know. I know, but hear me out. I believe when two people have healed from their past trauma, see their spouse as an extension of themselves and are willing to correct their “bad” behaviors that are brought to their attention, then how hard is this really?

I mean when you both are healthy, open minded people who want to see your relationship thrive and love being in that relationship together, what other way could your union go in other than in the direction of peace, joy and happiness?

I believe it is the individuals within the relationship that make it hard. The imbalance comes when one or BOTH parties are not healed, make everything about themselves and disregard their partner’s feelings about how something made them feel. This is often where the struggle comes from. The couples who make it on the other side, make a conscious decision that this is what they want their future to look like with their spouse included. They are not haphazard when it comes to creating their love life. They show their spouse that they are appreciated and it is the two of them against the world. They correct the behaviors their spouse asks them not to continue to do and strive to be a better person and spouse overall.

So, what does working on your relationship really mean? I have seven ways that, if implemented, will change the trajectory of your relationship all around. If you need to change the direction your relationship is headed down, then keep reading.

1. Address difficult conversations

The first thing you two must do is address the difficult conversations. You must address these difficult conversations because when you do not address them, you two are literally staying stuck in one place. When this occurs there is no forward movement. It is as if you two are stuck in time and frozen to repeat this over and over again. It is like a movie on repeat forever and ever. There is no growth and the level of frustration and annoyance is at an all-time high. Why do you need to address the hard conversations? It is because anytime you have resolutions to your problems, now, the problem does not seem astronomical any longer. Anytime you stop or never address the difficult conversations, your relationship will never move forward.

You know how you hear conversations or people in general, say that they are married to their best friend, the way that they get to this level is by not allowing the difficult conversations to get in their way. They are continuously moving forward because they are addressing the tough things as they surface. So, if you are wondering why you two are still having the same conversation 5 or 10 years down the road it is because that problem never got resolved. This is partially why you two are so distant from one another. As soon as you stop allowing your fears to get in the way of being judged or being made to feel guilty or ashamed and face it head on, you two will catapult your love life and remain happier for years to come. So, in order to stop being stuck, address the difficult conversations, come up with solutions and of course, implement them into your relationship.

2. Accept where you two are

The second way you can work on your relationship is to accept where you two are today. A lot of people do not accept where they are currently and then they wonder why comparing their relationship to others comes into play. They wonder why they are so unhappy. They wonder why their friend’s relationships look better. It may seem as if the grass is greener on the other side. This happens because you are not accepting where you two currently are among other things. Some of this, maybe not all of it but some of it definitely has to do with you two not addressing the difficult conversations nor asking yourself “how did our marriage get off track?”

I remember when I was dating my now husband, he mentioned that he and I could have gotten married a lot sooner but we did not because he felt that I was lacking in a particular area. Instead of becoming angry I listened. You see, when we see something that alarms us, you should slow down and pay closer attention. The point of the story is, after I asked myself “Wait a minute, he was talking about marriage and then all of a sudden he stopped talking to me about marriage. What happened?” Instead of me running away from that conversation because I did not want to know what he had to say, I wanted to know because I also wanted to know am I wasting my time or is it something that I can work on? Also, am I willing to work on that thing? Number two, was he asking too much of me. After I let that fear out of the window, I was able to deal with the current situation. Addressing the issue at hand helps you know where your spouse is. You need to figure out where they are in their mind about you and the state of your relationship.

3. Figure out the root cause

The third thing is to figure out the root cause. Figure out the root cause of the breakdown and why you two are in the predicament you guys are in. Now, this could be on something that you are dealing with personally or something you need to release yourself. It could be all you but it could be the both of you. Why are you in this predicament today? What can you do differently in order to shift the relationship from where it is to where you really want it to be? When you figure this out your relationship will be so much smoother. It might not be 100% smooth because there are still going to be some valleys and mountains to climb along the way, however, once you take away the fear and you address things as they are instead of what you believe they should be, you can work on moving your relationship forward. This is what working on your relationship really means.

4. Stop making excuses and start taking actions

The fourth thing is to stop making excuses and start taking actions in order to turn things around. Many of us make excuses as to why we are where we are at in our relationship. We also start to take some actions but when we do not see the results as fast as we believe we should see them then we stop. So, you stopped doing the thing, not realizing that as soon as you stopped doing the thing to make your relationship better, you now start from ground zero every time you start, stop, start, stop, start, stop. Instead of continuing to implement the behaviors you know that you need to do and that you have control over, you give up. Do not make excuses for what your spouse is not doing when you are not disciplining yourself to stay the course in order to plant the seeds and reap the benefits down the road. Y 

ou see working on your relationship and yourself is a process. The current state of your relationship will not change overnight.

5. Be patient and kind

Number five is to be as patient and kind as possible. Most of us are not patient because we live in a microwave society. We no longer warm our food in the oven. The oven takes a lot longer than the microwave. When we use a microwave it makes the food heat up instantaneously. That is how we want our relationships to be built. The faster you build it is is as fast as it will crumble. When you build your relationship on a weak foundation it is going to sink and fall apart. So slow down. Be intentional. Be patient when you are trying to figure out why things are not going as smoothly as they should be. One way to do this is to get curious and ask questions. Asking questions is the only way to gain the insight and answers you seek. Anytime you hold things in, you are allowing the frustration, the annoyance, the effort, the guilt and the shame to build up over time.

Speak up. Only you know you have an issue with the things your spouse is not doing. This is what working on your relationship really means and what it actually looks like. It’s not what you see in fairy tales. It is not what you read in romance novels. This is the work: asking the questions, getting down to the root causes and figuring out why there was a shift in your relationship. This is what the work actually looks like.

6. Set and keep your boundaries

The sixth thing is to set and keep your boundaries. When we get into our relationships, we think that just because we are in a relationship with somebody that there are no longer boundaries. Well guess what? There are still boundaries that need to be set and enforced. Anytime you set a boundary and do not enforce it, your spouse will not believe you the next time. It is not that you are doing this to be mean but you are setting the stage for how you want to be treated in your relationship. I talk to a lot of clients that have this issue of not setting or enforcing their boundaries and they wonder why they feel taken advantage of or disrespected by their spouse. Setting boundaries is not a form of punishment. They are healthy ways for you to recharge and remain at peace as well as keeping you both in harmony.

7. Seek outside help

The seventh way to work on your relationship is to seek outside help when you need it. You know whatever is happening in your relationship you cannot or do not know how to handle what is happening nor have the tools to turn things around. There are coaches and counselors out there, myself included, who can help you go from where you are today to where you really want to be in your relationship. That can only happen if you seek outside help. All of your frustration and annoyance that has been built up; the breakdown in the communication, the breakdown in the intimacy or trust, all of that is occurring because you guys do not know what you are doing. You have not learned the tools and the strategies you need in order to pull you out of the situation, the frustration nor the conflicts you guys keep going through. This is why you two remain on the same hamster wheel over and over again. You lack the correct tools. You do not have the correct strategies, so you need to seek somebody out that can help you get from this crazy state the two of you are in to the state of bliss in your love life. It only occurs for a very small number of people. Those are the people that learn the lessons and become a part of the top one percent of couples that have extraordinary relationships.

My name is Marshaun Olaniyan. I am your relationship strategist and I help Christian women that are married or in long-term relationships to stop feeling disconnected and unloved and shift them to feeling heard, understood and appreciated. You are reading this article and have made it this far because you want results in your love life. Definitely book your FREE 30-minute coaching conversation here.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship

When you think about self sabotaging behaviors, what comes to mind?

Let’s define self sabotage. Self sabotage is when we take counterproductive actions which prevent us from reaching our goals. These goals can be anything from your career, your life’s goals and of course your relationship goals.

Why would someone sabotage themselves? There are plenty of reasons why someone would do this. Most times it happens and the person self sabotaging is unaware of their behavior. One thing’s for certain: if you believe you are supposed to make a certain amount of money and you go beyond this threshold, you will find a way to cool things down and revert back to making the amount of money you are comfortable making. This is self sabotaging behavior. You have the potential to be and do so much more but you do not believe you can or should for one reason or another. Your relationship is no different.

If you believe you should be dating a certain level of person but then you meet a man who seems to good to be true or is too “nice” or treats you in a way you are not used to, you will find a way to sabotage that relationship by doing things such as starting fights about anything or repeating how he must be cheating on you because he’s always so nice so something must be going on.

Here’s how to stop these self sabotaging behaviors for good.

1. Decipher the past from the present.

The very first thing that you must do is to decipher the past from the present. Most people do not decipher. They do not come up with the difference. They put everybody into the same box and all of a sudden everybody’s going to do the exact same thing. Well guess what? That is just not true. Everybody is not the same. All men are not the same. All women are not the same. The people that did you wrong in your past are in your past, so keep them there. Please decipher the people, the situations and the things that are happening. Look at the full picture. Look at the full person, not just one incident, and now all of a sudden, they are being put into the bad box, such as the box where you can no longer trust them. This is how you are sabotaging your relationship by putting everybody into the same box. In order to stop sabotaging your relationship you must decipher the people that are currently here today from the people that actually did you wrong, as well as their behaviors and the entire situation.

2. Identify what your triggers are.

The second thing that you must do is to identify what your triggers are. Most people do not realize what their triggers are. Only thing they realize is that they are angry and blowing up. Knowing what and who triggers you will give you a jumpstart on being a better partner and keeping yourself out of these sticky situations. The thing that stumps people and keeps people stuck is they do not realize what their triggers are. This is where you must sit with yourself and figure out when you got angry, what was said or done to you in order for that thing to trigger you and to make you get angry and come out of your character. When this is done it has everything to do with you, not the other person. No one can make you feel

something about yourself that you currently do not believe about yourself. You have the power to stop this toxic behavior by getting to know yourself deeper. Once this happens you will notice the same things will not affect you the same way anymore because you now have an understanding of what is happening internally.

3. Learn how to build stronger bonds

The third thing is to learn how to build stronger bonds. By understanding what your love language is, your attachment style and how to set boundaries you will build stronger, healthier relationship bonds. The self sabotaging behaviors come from you not knowing your love language but expecting your partner to be able to give these things to you without you ever making them clear. Self sabotage also happens when you do not realize which way you feel attached to someone. If you do not know this then how can you expect to know how you are behaving is acceptable and/or normal? You cannot and neither can your partner. Also, some people believe that just because they are in a relationship, there are no boundaries that need to be set. This is the furthest thing from the truth because we teach people how to treat us, including our partners. This is showing your partner how much you love yourself. This is, also, showing your partner how much you respect yourself. You have to be willing to show up for yourself. This is where you are building stronger bonds. By understanding what your love languages are, and then being able to articulate them to your partner, by understanding what your attachment style is and why you are showing up the way that you do each points to disarming your self sabotaging behaviors. You must first be able to understand yourself so your partner can understand you as well. Finally, setting boundaries, you must be able to set boundaries and enforce them as well. What are the consequences if somebody crosses the line? Do not fall victim to these traps of self sabotaging behaviors. Stop them in their tracks.

4. Getting outside help.

The fourth thing to think about is getting outside help. You must think about getting outside help if you cannot come up with the answers to the “why” questions. If you have not been able to figure this thing out by yourself, do not look at yourself as being the weakest link. Do not look at it as, “I don’t want anybody in my business.” Because if you have not been able to solve this riddle, as of yet, you probably will never be able to solve this riddle because each of us can only take ourselves so far with the information we currently have. Whenever you go to school and you are trying to get some form of education, you are going there to get that education because you do not have the answers already. Getting outside help for your romantic relationship is just as important. It works the exact same way. You are seeking help to get the information that you do not currently have, so you can pick up the strategies you do not have, so you can turn your entire relationship all around.

Understanding yourself is the key to stopping your self sabotaging behaviors. Becoming aware of who you are in a holistic way stops these behaviors in their tracks. If you want even more ways to stop your self sabotaging behaviors then check out this video.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

Warning! Signs You Are Sabotaging Your Relationship

There are times in your relationship when you do things and you are unaware of the consequences of your actions. You may not know how doing these things will affect your relationship until the damage is already done, especially if you do not know the things that can add pressure or damage your partner’s feelings for you unless these things are brought to your attention. 

For example, I was dating this guy, years ago. Whenever he told me “no” I would pout and even ask a million and one questions as to why I could not have my way. He later told me that that was a turn off for him and it sent a red flag waving in his mind so he broke things off with me. I had no idea this was a “bad” thing. I just really wanted what I wanted, which was to spend as much time with him as possible. 

This happens and the other person has to move on and you are left wondering what could you have done in order to be aware of some signs that you could be secretly sabotaging your relationship. The signs below will help you for future reference that you are actually sabotaging your relationship whether you realize it or not. 

1. You are overly critical

Ask yourself, do you or does your partner say that you can be overly critical? Do they consistently ask you this question? Do you often hear them say they feel like they cannot do anything right in your eyes? Maybe you are overly critical with the things that they do, the things that they say and anything in between. Do you find yourself constantly complaining about just about anything? Does it seem as though your mission is to make their life a living hell on earth? Like you are never satisfied. You may be an overly critical person who is unhappy with yourself but you take your frustrations out on your partner instead of placing the blame on the person or situation that is really at the root of your dissatisfaction. Being overly critical kills the love and heightens the frustration between you and your partner. 

2. Blaming

How often are you blaming your spouse versus taking responsibility for how you are showing up along with the things that you can control? Do you find yourself blaming your spouse for everything that is going wrong within your relationship? Blaming is where you are taking the easy way out. Instead of you taking a long look at yourself, you often look at your partner as the scapegoat. You never take responsibility for how things are working out or the part you played in your life. Therefore it is not delivering the outcome you envisioned because it is 100 percent, always, your partner’s fault. Intellectually, you know this is not true but in your reality this is what is said and how you view your life situations. 

3. You constantly pick fights

Maybe you are constantly picking fights for one reason or another. Now your partner avoids you, avoids conversations with you and even avoids being in the same room with you because every time he comes into the room, you are constantly picking a fight about the smallest things. Why pick a fight? Why not ask about the things that really frustrate you and ask how this thing can be resolved? When you constantly pick fights your partner sees you as a troublemaker and starts to lose the love for you slowly. He will find ways not to be around you in order to keep his peace. Think about it. When we feel good being around a person, we want to be in their space. However, when someone makes you feel guilty, ashamed or constantly finding ways to argue, this is a turn off and we find excuses to not be in their presence. Your partner is no different. 

4. Withdrawing

What about withdrawing? Have you heard that you withdraw too much or too often? You seem to be anywhere but with your partner and family. You are checked out, even though you are physically in the room you are not really there because your mind is occupied with something else. So, do you withdraw from your partner and the relationship? Do you find that your partner has to beg you for your attention for you to return back to the conversation or for you to actively be present in the relationship or for you to open back up to him or to her? Withdrawal creates a sense of distance between the two of you and can create insecurities within your relationship. It also prevents your relationship from moving forward. 

5. Addictive or Recurring behaviors.

 Maybe you have addictive or recurring behaviors. Now what does this actually mean? The behaviors you constantly repeat that reoccur in your relationship which distract you from addressing the real issues. Like, you looking at your phone while your partner is trying to have a serious conversation with you or not turning away from the television to fully engage in what is being brought to your attention. The main problem never gets solved because your focus is being shifted to this new problem. This is also why these behaviors are distracting because now you are focusing on this new thing and the original issue does not get the full attention it deserves. This moves you further away from a resolution. You can only go so far in a relationship like this before you are ready to throw in the towel because you are constantly stuck in this cycle, in the same place over and over and over again. 

6.  You have distrust

Maybe there is a lack of trust in your relationship. Yes, distrust. This happens because of past behaviors from an ex, from a friend or from a family member who found a way to break the trust before and now you are pretty much punishing your partner because of those past issues of trust. Now you question your partner about everything that he does. This lack of trust will surely lead you down the road of sabotage. This distrust comes from the baggage you never took care of prior to you getting into this relationship. Now it is keeping you stuck on this merry-go-round and you cannot find your way off of it. A few ways to build your trust is to check to see if your partner is true to his word. Also, check to see how honest he is and you are being with yourself. Finally, be open about your feelings and show that you care. 

All six of these are signs that you are sabotaging your relationship, even if you are unaware that this is what you are doing. A lot of these behaviors can be corrected by you taking a long look in the mirror and asking yourself the hard questions. You may be wondering where to start this process of healing and showing up better in your relationship. I suggest you check out my book You Can Get Over Your Ex: The Women’s Healing Hournal to Say Goodbye for Good and Mean It. As you know, my mission is to decrease the divorce rate, while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate. One way to do that is to provide you with some tools to help you overcome areas that are holding you back. 

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

What Are Some Things to Look for When a Guy is Really Invested in You

When a guy is really invested in you, you can feel it. You don’t have any questions or very little questions that would make you think otherwise. When he is really invested in you he asks about your thoughts and life goals. He also likes to be in your company whether there is physical involvement or not.

When I was evaluating if my own man was invested in me, I looked for several little signs to see if he was into me or just into my body. Signs like how often he mentioned wanting to have sex with me, if he was a man of his word and how often he wanted to see me after our date ended. The guy who is thinking about a deeper connection will be looking to see how he can move the relationship to the next phase or level.

Here are seven more things you should be aware of while dating in order to determine if he is invested in you or just in your physical body.

1. He will try to keep you safe in every aspect of the word.

He will make sure you are safe and that you feel safe. He makes sure you are safe, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and in every other area you can think of. Safety is his priority when it comes to you. He will make sure you can open up and just be you without feeling like you are going to be judged based on the things that you reveal about yourself.

2. He talks about the future with you.

I remember when I was dating this one guy. He never talked about us when he referred to the future. It was statements all about himself. That is how I realized that he really was not into me. It was because when we briefly talked about the future, he would literally say, “When I go and buy this house. When I go and do X, Y and Z.” Obviously, he did not think about taking me to the next level with him. His statements were always, “I” focused.

When a guy is truly invested in you he will hardly use the “I” statements and focus more on the “We” statements. If he is constantly using “I” statements this should be your wake up call to move along because he does not see you in his future. It’s okay that he does not see you in his future but it is also okay for you to choose you, and not waste any more of your beautiful time.

3. He introduces you to his sacred friends circle.

He introduces you to his sacred circle. I say sacred friends circle because you might have heard about his friends and his friends might have heard about you, but you guys have never met. He may tell you stories about his friends but at this point you have not crossed paths with any of them, including some family as well. Also keep in mind that the time frame you two have been dating may play a role in why you have never met them but another thing to consider is he is trying to decide how much longer you are going to stay in his world. He knows that if he opens up the door that he cannot protect you nor himself from the scrutiny and all the questions that come with seriously dating someone. He’ll keep you close to him until he decides on you being a part of his future.

4. He starts to get his finances in order.

He will start to get his finances in order if he has not already started. This also depends on the quality of man you are dealing with. Some men already know that they want a relationship and settle down so

they already start working on their credit score and saving money. Other men, wait until they are inspired by a woman and then start to get their finances on the right track. So, if he is getting his finances or has already started to get his finances in order this has a high probability of meaning he is invested in you and the relationship.

5. He always wants to be around you.

He always wants to be around you. He enjoys your company and wants as much as he can have. Even if he is a busy man, he will willingly carve out and plan to fit you into his schedule. He knows there is something about you and he does not want to risk you being swept off your feet by another man. He also wants to be around you whether or not sex is involved.

6. He makes you a priority in his life.

He makes you a priority in his life because nine times out of 10 he has a busy life. Because he has a busy life he wants to make sure that the people that are important to him take part in his busy life. This comes in the form of calling, texting, FaceTiming etcetera. He’ll call just to see how you are doing or to tell you he was thinking about you. He will also make sure you two have plans to talk or spend time with one another at a later time. He will also make you feel very special to him.

7. Sex is not the priority and he is continuing to ask a lot of questions.

He wants sex but it is okay because women want sex too. The point is that, although he wants sex, it is not going to be the biggest priority for him because he knows that there are bigger things, other priorities and other things that must fall into place in order to have a very secure, healthy stable relationship. So yes, he is going to want sex but it is not the priority. It is not every waking moment; it is not after you guys. Another way to determine if sex is his priority is to pay attention to how many times he brings up sex and what he wants to do to you sexually. So, before sex, he asks all the questions in the world about you, the way you grew up, what you like and dislike and any topic in between. If he’s only after sex then after the act he will no longer ask about you, your childhood or trying to get to know you on a deeper level. You are no longer the priority and get less and less of his time and attention.

Remember there are plenty of other things to be mindful of. This short list is to help you become more aware of the way he is showing up with you and how he is invested in you and the relationship over all. Be conscious but also have fun with putting yourself out there to increase your chances of attracting and keeping the man you can grow old with in a healthy way.

Also if you need help with trying to figure out if he is into you and invested in you, do not hesitate to sign up for your FREE 30-minute coaching conversation here. As my mission is to help to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one conversation at a time.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist


vested in You.

When a guy is really invested in you, you can feel it. You don’t have any questions or very little questions that would make you think otherwise. When he is really invested in you he asks about your thoughts and life goals. He also likes to be in your company whether there is physical involvement or not.

When I was evaluating if my own man was invested in me, I looked for several little signs to see if he was into me or just into my body. Signs like how often he mentioned wanting to have sex with me, if he was a man of his word and how often he wanted to see me after our date ended. The guy who is thinking about a deeper connection will be looking to see how he can move the relationship to the next phase or level.

Here are seven more things you should be aware of while dating in order to determine if he is invested in you or just in your physical body.

1. He will try to keep you safe in every aspect of the word.

He will make sure you are safe and that you feel safe. He makes sure you are safe, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and in every other area you can think of. Safety is his priority when it comes to you. He will make sure you can open up and just be you without feeling like you are going to be judged based on the things that you reveal about yourself.

2. He talks about the future with you.

I remember when I was dating this one guy. He never talked about us when he referred to the future. It was statements all about himself. That is how I realized that he really was not into me. It was because when we briefly talked about the future, he would literally say, “When I go and buy this house. When I go and do X, Y and Z.” Obviously, he did not think about taking me to the next level with him. His statements were always, “I” focused.

When a guy is truly invested in you he will hardly use the “I” statements and focus more on the “We” statements. If he is constantly using “I” statements this should be your wake up call to move along because he does not see you in his future. It’s okay that he does not see you in his future but it is also okay for you to choose you, and not waste any more of your beautiful time.

3. He introduces you to his sacred friends circle.

He introduces you to his sacred circle. I say sacred friends circle because you might have heard about his friends and his friends might have heard about you, but you guys have never met. He may tell you stories about his friends but at this point you have not crossed paths with any of them, including some family as well. Also keep in mind that the time frame you two have been dating may play a role in why you have never met them but another thing to consider is he is trying to decide how much longer you are going to stay in his world. He knows that if he opens up the door that he cannot protect you nor himself from the scrutiny and all the questions that come with seriously dating someone. He’ll keep you close to him until he decides on you being a part of his future.

4. He starts to get his finances in order.

He will start to get his finances in order if he has not already started. This also depends on the quality of man you are dealing with. Some men already know that they want a relationship and settle down so

they already start working on their credit score and saving money. Other men, wait until they are inspired by a woman and then start to get their finances on the right track. So, if he is getting his finances or has already started to get his finances in order this has a high probability of meaning he is invested in you and the relationship.

5. He always wants to be around you.

He always wants to be around you. He enjoys your company and wants as much as he can have. Even if he is a busy man, he will willingly carve out and plan to fit you into his schedule. He knows there is something about you and he does not want to risk you being swept off your feet by another man. He also wants to be around you whether or not sex is involved.

6. He makes you a priority in his life.

He makes you a priority in his life because nine times out of 10 he has a busy life. Because he has a busy life he wants to make sure that the people that are important to him take part in his busy life. This comes in the form of calling, texting, FaceTiming etcetera. He’ll call just to see how you are doing or to tell you he was thinking about you. He will also make sure you two have plans to talk or spend time with one another at a later time. He will also make you feel very special to him.

7. Sex is not the priority and he is continuing to ask a lot of questions.

He wants sex but it is okay because women want sex too. The point is that, although he wants sex, it is not going to be the biggest priority for him because he knows that there are bigger things, other priorities and other things that must fall into place in order to have a very secure, healthy stable relationship. So yes, he is going to want sex but it is not the priority. It is not every waking moment; it is not after you guys. Another way to determine if sex is his priority is to pay attention to how many times he brings up sex and what he wants to do to you sexually. So, before sex, he asks all the questions in the world about you, the way you grew up, what you like and dislike and any topic in between. If he’s only after sex then after the act he will no longer ask about you, your childhood or trying to get to know you on a deeper level. You are no longer the priority and get less and less of his time and attention.

Remember there are plenty of other things to be mindful of. This short list is to help you become more aware of the way he is showing up with you and how he is invested in you and the relationship over all. Be conscious but also have fun with putting yourself out there to increase your chances of attracting and keeping the man you can grow old with in a healthy way.

Also if you need help with trying to figure out if he is into you and invested in you, do not hesitate to sign up for your FREE 30-minute coaching conversation here. As my mission is to help to decrease the divorce rate while simultaneously increasing the marriage rate one conversation at a time.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

How to Prepare for Marriage: How Supportive Are You Pt 10

When you look around in your everyday life, whether you are in a relationship or not, are you a supportive person to your partner, friends and family? What does being supportive mean? It means to give help or assistance or to hold something or someone up. For example, if your partner wanted to become a tattoo artist, you could show your support by paying for his training or by being understanding with his odd working hours.

Ask yourself if you are the person your partner can come to to ask questions?

Below are several ways to determine if you are a supportive partner in your relationship. This list can also help you see the areas you need to work on.

1. Declare you two are a team.

When your partner is your team member, you two are not working against one another. You both should recognize that being on the same team means you two are working together for the good of your family and your future together. Declaring you two are a team allows you both to remember that each step you take and each decision you make should benefit you both. Being on the same team means working towards a common goal.

2. Put your partner first often.

This is where you implement selflessness which is not one sided. Your partner also must put you first because if you are putting your partner first, and they are putting you first guess what, you two cannot help but win. Putting your partner first means making sure that every decision you make benefits not only yourself but also your relationship. Being selfless can seem impossible to do at times but the rewards lead to a long lasting blissful relationship.

3. Pay attention to him in all things, especially the small things.

We constantly think that whenever we are going hard, that it is the big things that matter. Do not get me wrong, the big things matter, but it is really the little things that make you see a future with this person. How is he with the children? Does he visit them often? Does he help with homework? Does he help with the chores? Does he remember your favorite flower or show you love the way you need it? Is he willing to drop what he is doing in order to go that extra mile? When you fall in love with somebody it’s not the big things that make you fall in love with them, it is the small things. It is the everyday things you are doing and that they are doing for you.

4. Offer help frequently.

How often are you offering your help even if it is just a listening ear? How can you help your partner? Have you asked? Sometimes being a great listener is the thing that is helping him out the most because a lot of times, if you just sit back and let him vent, he will end up solving his own issue because he was able to express what he needed to express. So just listen then offer help in any way you can provide. It’s a wonderful feeling to know someone has your back in life.

5. Talk with him about his dreams, goals, and aspirations.

When was the last time you talked with him about his dreams, goals, aspirations, and then asked how

you can help? Maybe you cannot help at all. But maybe you can help more than you know. You just have to ask. This is also where you can offer your unconditional support. After you find out about his goals and dreams then see how you can hold him accountable so he can reach them. Having someone check in on how you are doing keeps you going and it feels good.

6. Check in regularly.

Another thing couples do not do often enough is to check in with their relationship. Check in regularly. This is where you ask your partner about the areas he believes you are doing well in and those areas you need to improve in. This also gives you the blueprint so you do not have to guess about where your partner is not satisfied. The key here is to find your weak areas and to start making them stronger. It does not matter if you have the information if you do nothing with it. So, get the information and then start working on your weaker areas and being making them stronger.

7. Celebrate his wins enthusiastically.

Celebrate your partner’s wins enthusiastically as if the accomplishments were your own. This shows you are supportive, do not have a competition bone in your body between the two of you and you are genuinely happy for his wins. Being able to celebrate his wins helps to strengthen your relationship and shows this is your teammate. Since you two are on the same team you should naturally feel as though the win is for the both of you. If you find yourself feeling a little envious ask yourself what about your partner’s success makes you feel this way? Acknowledge your feelings. If they are negative then you must dig deeper to the root and find out why you feel this way.

Being a part of a supportive relationship requires you both to be aware of how you are currently showing up. This type of relationship will help you both get through the tough times, help you both enjoy the good times and helps you both know that you have a cheerleader in your corner for life. You should be able to not only supply reassurance but you should be able to provide a little push when he needs it as well. He should be able to provide this for you too. Access how supportive you are. If you do not already possess the above ways to be supportive then you must figure out how to add these into your relationship in order to be his go-to listening ear and trusted confidant.

By the way, if you are struggling with being a supportive partner it may be due to you not feeling happy with yourself. In order to get some answers as to why this may be happening, pick up a copy of my book, I’m Not Happy. Why? This journal will help you get to the bottom of why you are not happy and how to work on it.

All the best,

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist

How to Prepare for Marriage: How Fun are You Pt 9

What does fun mean to you, especially when it comes to you being in a relationship? Have you been known to get into a relationship and after some time passes you get stuck in the rat race of allowing life to get in the way of you being a fun person to be around? Do you allow life’s stresses to overshadow you?

I would like for you to think for a moment. Challenge yourself when you ask yourself, “How fun am I to be in a relationship with?”

How much fun are you to be around and to be with? When your potential partner thinks about you, will he smile? Or will he frown? Think about all of the wonderful things you two have in common and the things you do together? How much fun do you two have intentionally?

I love having unscripted fun. Sometimes my husband, daughter and I will get up and randomly start dancing around the house. We also make random noises at any given time. Our home can be quite lively. I personally can find the humor in just about anything so I laugh a lot about the little and big things in life. You see, life is stressful enough. I want to counterattack the negative that is bound to happen and replace it with as many fun memories as possible.

Did you know research shows that having fun can have many health benefits such as reducing stress, better quality sleep, increased creativity, keeps you feeling youthful and can help to heal your emotional wounds? These are also a host of benefits that can help to improve your relationship as well.

Think about how you can start incorporating fun into your relationship. Life is serious enough. Nobody wants to come home to a serious person all the time. Your partner wants to come home and be able to laugh and joke with you. I am intentional about running around and chasing my family. Again, I want to build happy go lucky memories, the things where my daughter is able to look at me and my husband and say, “my parents are actually fun. I like hanging around them.”

What about your friends? When your friends talk about you, do they say that you are fun? Do they usually call you for a good time? Now, they can call you for other times too but do they call when it is time to have fun? Do they invite you to the party? Or are you strategically left off the list? Are you the serious one with a judgmental face just watching everyone instead of joining in?

The fun list factor is really big in relationships. The fun does not and should not go away when you become his girlfriend and certainly not after you two get married. There should be planned and spontaneous fun moments in your love life.

Here’s how to determine how much fun you are to be around and in a relationship with.

1. How spontaneous are you?

Think about how spontaneous are you. Do you have to always know what you guys are going to do? Do you always have to have a plan before you say, “okay, I’m on board with doing this.” How spontaneous can you be? Can you think of a thing you want to do or go along with a non-planned outing with a potential partner? Or is your go-to answer, “I can’t do it right now. I need a few days notice in order to go.” How much of a stick in the mud are you?

2. Can you bust out a dance move or belt out of tune?

Whenever I feel it, I am going to dance. Dancing is one of my things. I can also belt out a note at any given time. Can you dance like no one is watching, even if they are? When was the last time you belted out a random song and enjoyed every moment of it. Are you caught up on what others may say about you? What’s your go-to song that gets you moving no matter where you are or who is watching? Have you told yourself or has you partner mentioned that that is inappropriate in some way so now you do not engage in such acts?

I give you permission to loosen up and go for the fun memories. Be as playful as possible.

3. How often are you open to trying new things?

How often are you open to trying new things? Being open to try new things adds to the excitement and spontaneity of the relationship. Being open minded adds to you being able to think critically and rationally. Stepping out of your comfort zone and into the unknown will make you a more well rounded fun person and partner.

4. How often do you laugh?

How you do one thing is how you do everything. How often do you laugh? Laughter is good for the soul and your emotional state. Laughter can boost your immune system, relax your whole body, protect your heart and laughter lightens the environment when you are angry. Did you know that by finding something to laugh about during an argument you can shift the energy during that argument and help to reset the stage. Find more ways and times to laugh with and without your partner.

5. How friendly and supportive are you?

You do not have to always be a serious person, especially with your spouse or family. Let them see you let your hair down. Let them see you build fun memories so they can say “I remember this day when Coronavirus was around in 2020, we had to stay home when we were in lockdown. And guess what? I was not bored at all! We were in the house dancing. We were in the house playing games. We watched movies. We ran around playing tag. It was the best year and most time I spent with my family in a long time.

Be spontaneous. Be able to think on your feet while having fun at the same time, because that is totally going to bring some laughter to you, as well as help to build a new skill set. On top of that, figure out where you are at today and then make note of how you are going to get to where you want to be. If you are not fun today. Guess what sis, you will not be fun tomorrow, unless you start working on this new skill set. Find a way to laugh. Find a way to smile. Find a way to brighten somebody else’s day by making them laugh. You can do this by simply making a fool out of yourself. Can you do that? This is my challenge to you. What one or two things can you implement this next week to start becoming a funnier person which will correlate with you being a fun partner.

Life is what you make of it. Do not allow the pressure we often feel with life happening to us. Make an intentional effort to show up differently in order to attract a more qualified partner, someone you will be happy with for years to come. You also want to be able to grow alongside your partner.

Having fun is one of the key elements to a lasting relationship. What one thing can you eliminate in order to make sure you are open to creating more fun in your dating life?

By the way, if you are feeling stuck and want someone to help you get a handle on how you are showing up or why you keep attracting the wrong type of guy, then sign up for your FREE 30-minute coaching conversation NOW! It is all about you making an effort to be the best version of yourself.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Relationship Strategist