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Why Men Hate To Hear Let’s Talk

Hey family! Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite Life and Relationship Strategist. You keep coming back to Marshaun O because you want to be a part of the top 1% of couples that have extraordinary relationships.

Don’t you wish your man could read your mind when it comes to the things you want from him and out of your relationship?

This is why he may want to go for a drive after a long talk or remain silent or go hang with the boys. This is also why he hates to hear the phrase Let’s Talk.

There are 3 reasons why men hate to hear, let’s talk. The first thing he is going to do is get very defensive because he is wondering what he did wrong, how he failed you or how he let you down. No man wants to think about how he failed his woman or how he let you down. So he is going to get very defensive. He hates hearing the words let’s talk. He hates it. I mean he hates it with a strong passion and starts to go down the list of questions,

What did I do wrong?

How did I fail her now?

What else is it?

 He thinks about all of those things. So it is his defense mechanism that is popping up in this very moment.

The second reason why men hate to hear the phrase let’s talk is because he is wondering how long will the talk be? He knows you are going to tell him all the stuff he messed up or did wrong. He does not want to deal with this today or any day. He has enough on his plate and this is just another thing he has to think about. Again, going back to, how did I not be the man that I said I was going to be? Not only is the talk going to be long he is also thinking about his failures.

Not only is he becoming defensive, a lot of times he will avoid the conversation, just so the talk could be over or go into attack mode. Instead of him taking responsibility for whatever it is that you need to talk to him about, he’s like, you know what? I did that because you did . . . or you always do that too or why is it only me? Instead of him just listening, taking in what you have to tell him, he is now attacking you or just shutting down and avoiding everything altogether.

A way for all of this not to occur, ladies, is for you to never use the phrase, let’s talk. You see, I learned a long time ago and from my personal experience as well as listening to other successful women never use this phrase. Which is, the secret ladies. It is not to ever have the talks that you want to have, you just never say, let’s talk. You never give him a chance to actually think about all of the junk. When you go speak to him, you just talk about the things you want to address. So that defensiveness never occurs because it is just conversation.

Him feeling like a failure never occurs because it is just a conversation. Him being defensive, that can occur but that depends on how you address the topic, how you address him. Are you going to blame? Are you going in criticizing or are you just trying to get an understanding? The best way to have the talk is to never say let’s talk. The best time to have the talks is to wait until you see that he is in a happier mood where he is literally laughing and joking, trying to tell you some jokes or playing around with you. This is the perfect time that you can say, ‘you know what I was thinking, then go into the problem. I was watching a movie. . ., I read a book. . .

You can get the thing that you have been thinking about off your chest. Now, he will try to solve your problem because men are fixers. Think about this, whenever you go to your husband, your spouse, your partner, and say, I am having such a hard time at work with X or with my boss and he might give you a solution. That is what happens. Now, he is going into solution mode.

I hope that this has helped you. How many of you are going to implement it into your relationship?

If you need any further help visit my website at www.marshauno.com  or book your FREE Life Changing Coaching Session with me by visiting my calendly link.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

http://www.marshauno.com

Why You Can’t Find and Keep a Man

Hey family! Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite Life and Relationship Strategist. I help single women figure out the tools and strategies needed in order to attract and keep the man she wants.

DATING!

Uh yes.

Dating can be tough even for the most seasoned dater. When I was dating, every time I went on a date I would hope that this guy was my last first date.

Can you relate?

I can remember preparing for these dates as if they were yesterday. The potential suitor and I would chat via an online site for about 2-3 days, then exchange numbers and continue chatting or calling one another for 1-2 weeks all throughout the day. Next, we would set up a date and time to meet one another, and because I am a romantic at heart, I would secretly hope that this was it for me. No more first awkward dates. No more catfishing. No more feeling lonely. This potential suitor would snatch me off the market and I would be claimed as his to the world. He would not only choose me, he would adore me and treat me like a queen.

Most of this was a fantasy because I had no idea what I was doing. I did not know how I should show up. I did not know the rules of dating. I had no idea what questions I should be asking and I never thought about setting a standard based off of what I wanted and/or needed. I had no clear direction. Sound familiar?

Because of this I feel compelled to give you the secret sauce. What is the secret sauce you ask? Well, this secret sauce is what I wished someone would have told me when I was on the dating scene. This secret sauce could have saved me many nights from tossing and turning in my bed. This secret sauce made all the difference in attracting and keeping my husband.

There are three reasons why you cannot find and keep a man. Keep reading!

The first reason why you cannot find and keep a man is because you have not taken care of your baggage. You have not released the stuff that you have been carrying around with you for years and years as well as from relationship to relationship. You have not taken the time to stop dating, evaluate why you two broke up and figure out what you can improve on to make you a better person and dater. You only have one goal in mind, which is to be swept off your feet and out of the market for good. Just as I did years ago you have continued to hope things would get better the next time around with the next man. You keep dating and not taking care of yourself.

You decide to stay on this hampster wheel of frustration hoping and wishing this next guy will be the perfect one to see your beauty, inside and outside, and show you the world, moon and the stars. You are constantly hoping this time things will be different.

The question is: Are you different?

You are dealing with the effects of all that extra weight on your shoulders, your back, your butt and your arms. You have got baggage everywhere! This baggage will continue to bog you down if you never take the time to care for yourself and, especially, if you never take the time to figure out the why’s.

Why can’t I keep a man?

Why can’t I find a great catch?

Why are the guys I attract all cut from the same cloth?

Why do all men cheat on me?

Why don’t any of these men treat me like the queen I deserve to be treated as?

A lot of that has to do with you, sis!

Yes! I know you think that it is him but it is actually you. The person, people and guys you keep attracting are a big reflection on the things you think about, the way that you really view yourself and even what you secretly believe you deserve. Even when you say things out loud, you say things like, ‘I deserve . . .’, ‘I am supposed to get all of this stuff.’ Secretly, deep down inside, you do not believe you are worthy enough to attract and keep the type of guy you verbally express you wished was in your life.

This baggage is holding you back. All of those why questions you keep avoiding, is what is holding you back. You not taking the time to evaluate each relationship you have ever been in, is what is holding you back. These relationships include your siblings as well as your parents or guardians. All of those previous and current relationships helped shape you into the woman you are today.

If you are reading as a man, it is the exact same thing for you. Every single part of your life comes from the relationships that you have been a part of, whether healthy or toxic. Sibling relationships, parental relationships, friendships, all these relationships combined help shape who you are attracting and have lying next to you in the bed. BOTTOM LINE, take care of your baggage.

The second reason why you cannot find and keep a man is due to you constantly blaming and pointing the finger at your partner or your ex. It is always someone else’s fault. It is never your  fault. You hardly ever, if ever, take any of the blame. It is always his fault. You often have these thoughts running through your head:

  • If he would have done this, I would have done that.
  • If he would have said that, I would have done this.
  • If he would have treated me like a queen, then I would have treated him like ‘X’.

All of this goes back to the baggage you are carrying around. This is why you keep attracting the same guys. You do not believe that you are worthy enough to be in a committed loving relationship. A relationship where you are honored like a queen bee.

To be in a loving healthy relationship, even if you did not grow up seeing something healthy, you have the choice to create the relationship that you want, healthy or toxic. You have the choice to stand up and say, you know what? I get it. I am from a broken home. I am from a home that society says I am supposed to behave a certain way. I am supposed to live a certain way. I am supposed to make a certain amount of money.

Guess what? You have the choice and you also have the choice to live a different life. You can decide to create a different legacy. You are making a choice each and every day, whether you realize it or not. Even if you are not making a conscious choice, it is still a choice.

 We all create our relationships. We all create the lives around us. All of us do. If you are still making the choice to say, “I would rather have a piece of a man than a full man because I don’t want to be alone,” sis, you are still alone! ANd you are living out your beliefs that you are not worthy of having one complete man to yourself. By the way you still cannot have him when you want to. You still cannot go out on vacations together. If you are going out on vacations, you are not going on vacations where you can actually share the pictures and tag him in it.

You blame every man that does not claim you  for the situations you are consistently putting yourself in. This all goes back to those why questions and your baggage. Ask yourself the following questions:

Why don’t I like being alone?

Why do I constantly feel like I have to be in a relationship?

You will never get to be the beautiful flower that you are and even believe to be until you take care of that baggage.

The third and final reason why you have yet to find and keep a man is because you do not have tough skin. Yes I said it! You do not have tough skin.

What do I mean by tough skin? Each time something does not go your way you start pouting. Each time he tells you no, you start pouting. Each time he wants to go out and do his own thing meaning his ‘me time’ you pout. Anytime he corrects or points out to you something you are doing wrong, for example, the way you speak to him, you take it personally.

Instead start looking for the gems to help you get better. Start telling yourself ‘I can use this information and help bring myself to a higher level.’ Stop jumping so fast to argue, fuss, and fight about any and everything because your skin is not tough enough for a gut punching truth be told conversation like the one mentioned above. You let everything hurt your feelings. You need to toughen up your skin and actually take the criticism. Focus and hear what he is trying to convey. Yes, his delivery probably does suck, but we are not talking about him right now. We are talking about the things that you can control. You cannot control what is coming out of his mouth, but you can control the way that you are receiving the things that he is saying to you. No matter how he says it to you. I want you to focus on the things that you can actually control. You can control this situation, how you take the information in and how you use the information later on.

Are you really hearing and listening to what he is saying versus how he says it?

Sis, if you tighten up on these three areas, you will absolutely attract and keep the man you want in your life. You will become his girlfriend. You will become his wife. All of this comes from you knowing who you are.

Apply these tips to find and keep your man, the relationship and the marriage. You have to do the work on you and you alone. Getting the help from someone like me, who can help you see what you are doing wrong can help you self-correct your path and do something different, to attract someone different.

It all starts with you!

Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

http://www.marshauno.com

The Advantages to Having More Sex

SEX! Sex is a subject that many are embarrassed to speak about in public. It is also the topic of discussion amongst men when in groups and amongst women when they get into groups of 2 or more as well. Not much sex gets discussed between the sexes it seems. According to a Penn State study women talk about sex-related topics more frequently with their best friend than men do with the exception of masturbation. It would behoove each of us to spend the uncomfortable time talking to our partner’s about what our sexual needs are so we can experience more enjoyable sex together and take it from theory to application and then bliss 🙂

Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite life and relationship strategist. I help women who are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved to feeling appreciated and understood all while creating the intimacy she deserves.

 Let’s address why having more sex is to the advantage of you and your partner, as well as the relationship overall.

Excited yet?

1. Sex rewires you for pleasure.

There are times we get out of having sex because we let the world take over us. We let life take over us. We let our children take over us. We let our schedules take over us. We let our careers take over us and sex has a tendency to take a back seat. Because we live in such a fast paced society, no one wants to feel left behind when it comes to their ideas of what success is. Sex helps you refocus on the things that matter, such as your family. The more you indulge in it, the more pleasure you bring into your life and into your relationship.

2. Sex can bring the passion back in your relationship.

Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. Lots of times the passion in our relationship goes away. This is usually due to our busy lives. We get into our work routines and we are not thinking of new ways to bring fun, to erase boredom or the stress from our lives. All the different ways to keep it fresh, new, sexy and continue to feel wanted by your spouse need to be spruced back up. We have to put our focus back into our love lives to bring the passion back so we never lose it. Three ways to do this is to add more excitement, sensual touch and intimacy.

3. Women with a higher sense of smell have better sex.

According to a study conducted by German Researchers in the Archives of Sexual Behavior women with a better sense of smell reported a higher frequency of orgasms during sexual intercourse which equates to about 60 percent of women. Women with less sensitive noses reported having orgasms only 17 percent of the time during sexual intercourse.

4. Sex can help you lose weight.

We know that exercise keeps us healthy but should we add sex to this regimen on purpose? The more rigorous your sexual activities, the more calories you burn. This equates to about 250 calories per rigorous sexual encounter. Having rigorous sex can be your new form of exercise. One study added having sex to the moderate-intensity exercise category which is where you want to be in order to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle.

5. Having more sex decreases the effects and the feelings of depression.

Depression weighs us down. When it is weighing on you it is also weighing on your partner. Depression is the top disability in the U.S. for people ages 15-44. However, there are many aspects of sex that can help to buffer depression’s side effects. One study found that depressed women who are exposed to semen had increased moods. The act of sex for men increased thier moods as well.

6. Sex decreases prostate cancer in men.

How does having sex do this? Sex decreases the blockages in men’s tubes by regularly engaging in it. About 50 percent of men, no matter age, race, ethnicity are going to get prostate cancer. A way to ward that off and not be a part of the 50 percent is to continue to have more and more sex.

7. Sex helps women with PMS pain.

Not every woman feels the effects of PMS but there are certain symptoms and signs that occur while on your cycle and PMS is one of them. A few other benefits of having sex with on your period are it can shorten your cycle, less need for lube and it heightens intimacy.

The more you talk about sex and the things you like outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside the bedroom. If you need to give your partner some instructions so your sex life can be better, the best time to address this is outside of the bedroom where there is no pressure to perform. This also enhances the chances that you both feel as though you received what you needed. So, the more you speak about sex outside of the bedroom, the better it is inside of the bedroom. You can say something like. . . ‘I really love when you rub on my. . .’, ‘I really love it when you touch me. . .”, ‘Touch me here next time I really loved that.’ Letting your partner in on what you like, need and want inside the bedroom will increase your chances of them pleasing you once you two get back inside the sheets.

Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship and having better sex.

All the best!

Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

http://www.marshauno.com

5 Ways to Prevent Your Relationship From Failing

Couples are enjoying a healthy breakfast at home

I remember growing up and not having a care in the world. I never had to worry nor think about who I had to be in a relationship or if it would fail. 

Nowadays, my life is different and I’m no longer a small child. I make my own decisions and choices regarding my love life. I do not depend on what my parents showed me while I was growing up. I decide what type of relationship I want, how I want to be treated and who I choose to take this life’s journey with. As I’m sure you do as well. 

Due to you making your own choices and showing up as your authentic self in your relationship, going the distance or not is also dependent on your own choices as well. There are ways to prevent your relationship from failing but keep in mind nothing is full proof. There are always two people in a relationship and both of their choices will determine if the relationship thrives or fails. 

Here are several ways to stop your relationship from failing, if you both are in it together:

  1. NEVER STOP DATING.

Dating is one of those things that seems super simple or that it does not make that big of a difference in the outcome of the relationship but trust me, it does. Dating your partner let’s him or her know that you are still interested in them. It’s also, usually, the time you two can be intentional about catching up on one another’s life. I’ve experienced getting busy and forgetting to check in with my husband. We all have done this at some point as life gets busy. Or am I alone? Have you done this as well? Dating let’s you two experience new memories together and even gives you both something to look forward to after a long week. 

  1. CONTINUE TO DO THE THINGS YOU DID TO GET HIM/HER. 

Don’t get so caught up in your relationship that you stop doing the things that made you you. Keep up with your hobbies and outside friendships. Many people, once they enter a relationship, either forget about or throw their hobbies, friends and family to the side as they are building a romantic relationship with this new person. This is great but it can also have negative results, such as your partner feeling as though they have to entertain you or be your everything or even be your entire source of happiness.  This can be a lot of pressure for one person to handle. 

  1. NEVER LET YOUR EGO TAKE OVER. 

Your relationship is surely to fail if one or both of you have a huge ego. E.G.O. according to Les Brown means edging God out. Anytime your ego gets involved you are thinking more about Your needs and Your wants. You disregard any thoughts of what your partner needs or wants. This can be very destructive to the relationship. Each time this happens, you are placing your ego before your partner’s wants and needs. This starts to take away from the love, the appreciation and the respect. Your ego starts to insert all the negative things that you can think of such as, disrespect, hatred and resentment.

  1. NEVER STOP LAUGHING. 

I love laughing! Laughter helps to increase your mood. It turns your frown upside down into a beautiful smile. Laughter shows your pearly whites. Laughter creates an environment where others want to be around you including your spouse. Laughter changes your thought process and it even lightens the mood whenever you two are having an argument. Laughter can take you out of a depressive state. Laughter is one of the keys to keeping your relationship and love life intact. Laughter is a way to connect with your spouse on a deeper level.  Laughter is one of those key elements I hear couples, who have been married for a long time, say is an essential ingredient within their relationship. They also mention that life is hard enough and laughter can ease everything.

  1. NEVER LEAVE GOD OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Leaving God or a higher power out of your relationship is just like saying I am the most powerful and I can make anything happen, no matter what. Although it’s great to have this attitude, God can and will help you through every situation. It does not matter the day, the time nor the hour,  God will be there. You can change your relationship completely around just by praying and asking God to guide your path, help you say the right words in your time of need and/or when you are tired and ready to throw in the towel. God can change your relationship from unstable, disrespectful and as if the world is about to fall in on you to you feeling loved, heard, understood and cherished. The key here is to allow God to speak to you and you to hear his voice. This only happens when you get still and quiet. 

Ever wonder why some people are always busy ‘trying’ things instead of flourishing? It’s because they have yet to be steered into the direction he should go. Instead of trying to do it all by yourself why don’t you ask God to help you out? Ask him to bless your marriage or relationship. Ask him to help you to discern and choose the way to go. Ask him to bless your husband or wife. Ask him to help you with the words and tone of voice that you use while speaking to your spouse. Ask him to bless any area in your marriage that you know is not working. For example, maybe you two fight dirty. You’re tired of fighting dirty and the only thing you want to do is to be able to hold an intelligent mature conversation where you talk about the problem as well as discuss the solutions. Pray to God and ask him to help you to keep your cool, to guide your words, and to keep your attitude under control. How much different would that conversation be if you asked for the help in advance? Ask for God‘s help and you will receive it! You have the power to turn your entire relationship around and to stop it from failing! The choice is yours. The power is yours.

If you need further assistance to ensure your relationship doesn’t fail, check out my journal UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE DEEPER. In this journal you and your spouse answer in-depth questions, discuss the answers and get to know one another on a much deeper level. After you two finish this journal by answering one question daily, you two will appreciate one another even more, see one another through new eyes and feel more connected than ever before. Check it out here: https://amzn.to/3gkrWuY

If you want to go even deeper into yourself or into your relationship send me an email at marshaun@marshaunolaniyan.com

All the Best!

Marshaun Olaniyan 

Life & Relationship Strategist 

www.marshaunolaniyan.com

Create a Solid Relationship With These 5 Tips

I grew up surrounded by relationships. It seemed everyone I knew who was considered an elder was in a relationship. I couldn’t distinguish, through my childlike eyes, if everyone of the couples were married nor did it ever cross my mind that they were not married. When you grow up around and continue seeing couple after couple everywhere you turn, your vision and even the possibility that there could be another side to relationships and even marriage does not exist. 

This happened to me. My vision and perception regarding relationships was skewed due to being around couples who seemed to always be happy and in love. Because of this, I did not realize how much I did not know about love, building a relationship and even being in a healthy relationship. 

As I matured and left home to begin my own life’s journey, I soon found out that I was never taught what a solid relationship looked like. Yes, I had a general idea but having the details broken down was something I never experienced  so when I started dating and tried to build my first marriage, it was no wonder things came crashing down. You and I can only work with the tools we are given until we are ready to mature and go to the next level in life and in love. 

Once I decided to take my love life into my own hands and not keep repeating the cycles from my past, I began to search for ways that I could create a solid relationship. A relationship where it has a fighting chance to last, be healthy and fun. One where I enjoy my partner and love him on purpose. 

Here are the 5 tips to create a solid relationship:

  1. Check in with your partner often. 

Once you get into your relationship do not fall into that trap of thinking your partner will know what he or she is doing right or areas he or she needs to work on. Do not allow resentment to build up. Do be vocal about what he or she is doing right. Do be vocal about what he or she needs to work on and be open to receiving the same feedback for yourself. This type of consideration for one another will help to deepen the understanding of your partner and will bring about more happiness for the choice you made in your partner. Be willing to put the areas that need some work into practice. This will show your partner that you did hear him or her and you want to be a better partner to him or her. 

  1. Give him/her your undivided attention.

When your partner is trying to have a conversation with you, make sure you get rid of the distractions, no matter how small. Whenever my husband is trying to speak to me, I make it a point (most times) to put down my phone or to step away from the computer or come into the room he is in so I can give him my undivided attention. Now, I’m not perfect at this but I am getting better and this simple step does make a difference. My husband also calls me on it whenever I violate this unwritten agreement. Sometimes I’m not aware that I’m not giving him my undivided attention. This is a work in progress in my marriage. I also call him on it when he is failing at giving me his undivided attention. It is a mutual way of being understood and respectful of one another. This also keeps our bond strong. 

  1. Connect more physically with hugs, kisses, holding hands and cuddling.

Keep your connection with one another through creating moments to embrace one another. These moments do not have to be done on a large scale or even made into a spectacle. They need to be genuine and practiced often. Did you know that infants need to be held and cuddled in order to stay alive? Well, now you know this. You and I are no longer infants but we need to feel the touch of our partner just as much. This makes the heart grow fonder towards one another. Touch brings about a thoughtful smile. Touch also decreases stress and lowers blood pressure. Who knew that touch was this powerful? Being touched by your partner and your partner touching you is an undoubted way for him or her to feel close to you and loved by you. 

  1. Don’t forget about the surprises to make him/her feel special.

Who doesn’t like surprises? Most people do. It makes your partner have a warm fuzzy feeling that you thought about him or her. Surprises can reassure your partner that you do know him or her and what they like. Gifts can also be your partner’s way of feeling loved. 

Do not get caught up in the amount of money you put into a gift because not all gifts need to be bought. You could give the gift of handmade art, a handwritten letter or a flower you picked on the way home. The art of gift giving has more to do with the thought that was placed upon what the gift is. Maybe your partner’s birthday is just around the corner and you know he or she loves picnics or movies or wine. You could present a gift around one of these areas. You could create a picnic in your living room as well as at your favorite spot in town. An area where he or she goes to think. Instead of going to the theater for a movie you could rent a projector and have a private movie in your backyard on the back of your house with a dinner set up for you two to enjoy. Instead of getting him or her a bottle of wine, you could take them wine tasting at the new winery you discovered. 

  1. Talk about your dreams, goals, aspirations, fears and current projects.

Get your partner involved with your dreams, goals and aspirations. He or she could have the best idea to help you get to the next level. Be open to receiving their idea as well. Do not think you have to try to accomplish everything you’ve been dreaming about all alone. You two are there to build the relationship together. This includes your careers and what you are afraid of. Do not look at this as being a negative. The best way to get over your fears is to face them. Discuss these things with your partner so he or she can support you on this journey of growth and self discovery. If you are scared of public speaking, you should find a way to speak in public even if it is a very small gathering of your peers or friends. Practice your speech in front of your partner. Listen to his or her feedback so you can get better. If you are afraid of flying you should totally go book your next trip to ensure you get on the plane. Ask your partner to travel with you if need be. If you are scared of having that difficult conversation then you must muster up the courage to have that conversation. This will help you go to the next level, create a deeper understanding of yourself (and your partner) and you will be able to push the limits in a healthy way. 

If you need further assistance to ensure you are creating a solid foundation in your relationship, check out my coloring book for couples, 365 Days of Love For Us: An A-Z Coloring and Activity Book for Couples. You and your partner can look at date night different with this coloring book. Each date you two will color one of the pages with a couple and a word that shows how much you love him or her. You two will discuss what this word means to you and write down ways you both will show each other what this word means. This gives you two a chance to create the foundational structure within your relationship. After you two complete this coloring book you will feel connected, understood, closer to one another and your communication will have increased ten fold. Check out 365 Days of Love For Us here:  https://amzn.to/3d0d032

If you want to go even deeper into understanding yourself or your partner send me an email at marshaun@marshaunolaniyan.com

All the Best!

Marshaun Olaniyan 

Life & Relationship Strategist 

www.marshaunolaniyan.com

Are You With Your Soulmate

Is there such a thing as a soulmate? 

How would you know if you are with him or her now?

Could it be possible you let that person slip away from you?

These types of questions can plaque you throughout your lifetime. If you are not careful with whom you ask or share your thoughts about this topic you could end up believing your soulmate is not out there or is in a relationship with someone else. 

Have you ever heard a woman constantly talking about a guy who is taken, that guy she let get away. Now she’s having the hardest time moving on and giving another man a real chance at winning her heart? This is a classic case of her believing that guy, her ex, was her soulmate. 

Let’s define soulmate. According to dictionary.com a soulmate is a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or a romantic partner. If we go by this definition then there is a such thing as a soulmate. your partner could be the soulmate you never knew you already had. 

Let’s discuss 5 ways to determine if you are with your soulmate, so he or she never slips away. 

  1. Are you completely happy and content with your relationship and spouse most times?

This question can help determine if you are just settling for that person you are in a relationship with. How much laughter is heard within your relationship? How often do you two have fun together? When was the last time you did something special for him or her? Can you two talk about anything no matter how big or small without feeling guilt, shame or being misunderstood? Do you feel heard by your spouse?

These questions can help you analyze your relationship and the way you feel about yourself while in the relationship. 

  1. Does he/she encourage you?

When you go share some wonderful news with your spouse, how is it received? When you’re not sure which direction would be best for you can you ask your spouse for guidance knowing he or she has your best interest at heart? Who do you immediately call to share your great news with? Is it your spouse or someone else? Do you hear more words of praise such as “you’ve got this” or “go get that new account” or anything that tells you your spouse wants to see you succeed? Do you feel you constantly have to prove yourself before the belief is there regarding your abilities? 

If you feel anything less than words of encouragement from your spouse even when he or she doesn’t believe in you, you have to keep going. You have to continue to prove this to yourself. It is your vision not anyone else’s. 

I had a client who went through this very thing for years. He is an entrepreneur at heart and hated working for other people. He had a 9-5 but often found himself daydreaming about his own company and what his life would look like. He shared his vision with his wife who automatically started asking questions like, what about insurance, how will we survive, I don’t think it’s a good idea, no, keep your job and a ton of other negative statements. 

My client decided he would pursue his dreams anyway. This put a ton of stress on their marriage for 2-4 years. However, before this timeframe was completed, the husband did start getting contracts and some income started to flow into the home. It wasn’t enough to cover the loss of wages from his 9-5 but he felt even more confident and determined to see his dreams come true. The more he believed in himself and his ability, the more he approached new business opportunities. The better he became at his craft the more valuable he became to the marketplace. The more valuable he became to the marketplace the more money flowed into his home. Moving into the present day, he and his wife are very happy and she never brings up the uncertainty from the past. She now encourages him to follow his dreams and goals when he discusses these things with her. 

Again you have to follow your heart, your dreams and your goals. If you continue to pursue them then your spouse will believe in you, your abilities and trust you even more. This I know first hand. 

  1. How often does he/she support you?

Having someone support your thoughts, dreams and goals makes a big difference in the outcome of your life. Let’s take the couple from above, there were many times my client did not feel supported. They had plenty of fights behind him walking away from that job. Also, many businesses do not make it pass the first year in business due to their spouse not supporting them and the constant fights that follow along with the stress of building your own company. 

Being supported can be a determining factor if you thrive or fail. Feeling like your spouse has your back in the good times and bad times is when you really can tell if he or she understands you. Also, look for and determine if he or she shows support in other areas in your life or is it only this one area that he or she does not show support? This can help you understand that your spouse does have your back most times. You also can have the conversation to see why your spouse is so nervous about you pursuing your dreams.ask questions to get their ‘why’ of him or her being uncertain. What will this do to him or her? Why does he or she feel the way they feel? Try to get to the root cause of their feelings. Look for ways to get him or her to believe in and support you. 

  1. Do you feel accepted by him/her without trying to change for him/her?

Feeling accepted is an essential piece to the puzzle and feeling as though you have met and are currently with your soulmate. How often has your partner wanted you to change something about yourself? This isn’t an instant bad thing as long as he or she isn’t asking you to violate what your fundamental beliefs are. Has the request been to say please and thank you or more along the lines of not speaking up, going along with his or her program, being disrespected or changing your beliefs in God? These two things are very different. Making requests such as asking you to say please and thank you is for the betterment of the relationship. It brings about a sense of respect as well as a pleasing aspect. Asking someone to change their fundamental beliefs is a whole new ball game. This is a violation to who he or she is, what they believe in and how they became the person they are up until this very moment. These core beliefs are deeply buried assumptions that guide each of our behaviors. 

  1. How safe do you feel letting down your guard in his/her company?

Letting down your guard should feel really natural when you are around your potential soulmate. You should not feel any judgment or fear of how he or she will react after opening up about a particular topic. Being able to open up and share your deepest darkest secret(s) and feel loved, honored and that feeling of being in this thing with that person makes all the difference in how close you feel with your partner. If you often feel you have to hide or share your innermost thoughts with someone outside your partner, it may be time to re-evaluate if this person is your soulmate. Your soulmate will give you the feeling that you can share anything no matter if they believe in it, want to have the conversation or not. He or she will respect and honor you in that moment and allow you to speak your truth without the constant fear and thoughts that he or she is being judged or looked at in a different manner. Letting down your guard, feeling like you’re able to speak freely and be your authentic self is the greatest sign that you are with your soulmate. 

In conclusion, you are with your soulmate if you can open up and be yourself, have a conversation about anything and feel the love he or she has for you even without a word being uttered. You feel honored, respected and can feel that he or she wants to best not only for you but for the relationship as well. Your souls will continue to bring out the beat in you and you in him or her. 

If you need further assistance to ensure you continue to learn more and more about your soulmate, check out my journal UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE DEEPER. In this journal you and your spouse answer in-depth questions, discuss the answers and get to know one another on a much deeper level. After you two finish this journal by answering one question daily, you two will appreciate one another even more, see one another through new eyes and feel more connected than ever before. Check it out here: https://amzn.to/3gkrWuY

If you want to go even deeper into yourself or into your relationship send me an email at marshaun@marshaunolaniyan.com

All the Best!

Marshaun Olaniyan 

Life & Relationship Strategist 

www.marshaunolaniyan.com